Calorie-count:

Press the scales pic to visit the calorie-window.

 The Contents scroll....

Press on any item below and it will arrive in the main body.

Welcome!

Chapter 1 - The smoothie lite, and other cold drinks

Chapter 2 Hot Drinks,

Chapter 3 Pizza, cold, hot.

Chapter 4. Food u can eat cold: Tinned beans,

Black pudding, Haggis.

All about a tin-opener

Chapter 5. Cool places for keeping food edible.

Chapter 6. Heat sources.

Chapter 7. Pans, lids, and containers.

Chapter 8. Hotflasks and some recipes for them:

Chapter 9 Uncooked stodge

Chapter 10 Stodge for cooking

Chapter 11 Fruit, and salad vegetables.

Chapter 12. Cooking veggies: for how long.

Chapter 13 Protein.

Chapter 14, Sweet foods

Chapter 15. Biscuits, bread, and cakes.

Chapter 16 Marmalade & Jam.

Chapter 17. Alcoholic drinks and their antidote . Hangover palliatives.

Chapter 18. Spices.

a) Spices and Herbs

b) Pickles, Chutneys         eating, and making.

c) Sweeteners

d) Poisonous Plants

Chapter 19 Height above and below sea-level for slower and faster cooking.

Chapter 20. Hardware for cooking. Including gloves.

Chapter 21. Looking after yourself: fitness training, manners. Don't spit.

Chapter 22. Site history.

Fun Food For You

In singleton sizes for ease with the math.

Welcome!

To help u to move the site's three scrolls, press here  .

 What's this all about? Getting tasty food down yr neck as neatly, as easily, as quickly and as comfortably as we can. The recipes are designed to be as cheap as possible, too. Being 21st century, I'm adding calorie-counts and fat amounts for everything. They're in a separate page, which u can call by pressing the scales pic top left. There's some cholesterol levels in there, too. Very modern.   On cleanliness, check out "kgloves" in the Glossary [the right-scroll], and in chapter 20 c) in the main scroll; it's important.                                              This cookbook includes buying the food, preparing it cleanly [with cooking, if needed], eating it and drinking it; feeling good after, and clearing up all of any mess. For every food, there's eating it on its own, and also with other veg and other protein and other stodge.           However, there's not much guidance on portion-sizes. This is because the amount eaten by a rugby-player in training is vastly different from that eaten by a dieter, or anyone smaller: One person might eat two tins of beans and someone else only half a tin, or less.  For the same sort of a reason, there's not much of "Have that amount of this food, and this amount of that food". People have different likes, and might squeeze a whole lemon's juice onto a cooked plaice; whilst someone else, or on another occasion, there might be none or only a quarter of a lemon's juice on the fish. Similarly, some folks might (almost) have no stodge in a meal, whilst others might be stocking up strength for a foray into the snow.   But there is comment on what food tastes complement other ones, for many folks; and what tastes mask other tastes; and what foods will settle a stomach-upset caused by another food.

 In detail, the chapters are mostly in order of importance....

Chapters 1, 2, and 17 are for drinks: a cold reviving drink, hot drinks, alcohol.      

Chapter 3 lets u meet pizza; hot and cold. Cold first, for its ease.                               Chapter 4 helps with tinned food, and some other pre-cooked foods. For when there's no time for cooking nor for waiting for a Takeout to be prepared for u.                            Chapter 5 is for keeping food, so we can buy it before we need it.  We keep food and drink in fridges, freezers, cold cookers, under a damp cloth, and in a larder.                        Chapter 6 details Heat Sources for cooking it. We can use less power by doing it lo-heat, like in the sun, on a radiator, in a microwave that cooks, the mwave [see right-side scroll]; as well as on a hob, in the old-fashioned way.  U'll find the same food cooked in all these ways.  Chapter 7 is for keeping it & cooking it: bowls, cartons, pans, pressure-cookers.    Chapter 8 has Hotflasks ; and recipes for. It can be a coldflask.                                  Chapters 9 & 10 are for Stodge: uncooked and cooked. Such as the stodge, protein & vitamins of spuds on their own; or having them with other foods.                              Chapters 11 & 12 are for Vitamins: fruit and veg; uncooked and cooked. Lots of.      Chapter 13 details Protein with lentils or dahl and some other beans; then, cheese, chicken, eggs, fish, farmed meats, majoring on lamb; and finishing with game. In the game section there's venison; and skinning a rabbit [or any mammal, marsupial], removing its innards, and preparing it for cooking and eating; & how to pluck a pheasant [or any bird], before preparing it for cooking and eating.                                                                   Chapter 14 is for sweet foods; "Afters", basicly; lots of them.                                        Chapter 15 for breads, biscuits, & cakes.  Making, keeping, eating.                           Chapter 16 continues with sweet foods: marmalade, jam. Making and eating them.  There's buying them, and getting them home, too; for most of this stuff.                                  Chapter 17 has Alcoholic drinks...There's Antidote, hangover helps, the different sorts of alcohol and their usual abvs, tastes, and calorie-counts: beer, wine, fortified wines, spirits. Cocktails include the Cosmopolitan, the Alabama Slamma, the Manhattan, the Martini, the Pina Colada, the Staten Island Ferry, the Whisky Mack and the Whiskey Mick, and a few more: the Long Island (Sound).                                                                                      Chapter 18 Spices has, in section a), got 30+ different spices in alphabetical order.  How long each one lasts once u've bought it, what they taste like, how medicinal they are.... including allspice, basil, caraway, cumin, garlic, jerk as in jerk chicken, mint, parsley sage rosemary & thyme, salt, sumac, and vanilla.                                                                    section 18 b) for the pickles and chutneys;                                                                      section 18 c) has the sweeteners in, natural and artificial.                                                    and 18 d) is about poisonous plants which you might easily meet.                              Chapter 19 is  unusual, on heights above and below sea-level; but Is useful.              Chapter 20 is more ordinary: on chopping-boards and cutlery, crockery.                Chapter 21 also seemed useful, on Keep-Fit @ home.                                                Chapter 22 just tells u where the book is coming from.   

On the left there's a Contents Scroll: In this "Welcome!"-ing Introduction, find the chapter u'd like to read, then scroll the Contents Scroll to that part of it, and press on the bit of the chapter that interests u.                                                                                                           On the right, there's a Glossary called "New, rare, and short-hand words found here", 'cos it's seemed useful to tell folk of words that they might not be familiar with; and to invent a few words for the 21st century, like "the mwave" as the microwave that cooks; "cfilm" for clingfilm that's heat-resistant so stays there in mwave-cooking; "mdf" for mixed dried fruit, a really delicious item; and "tiny" as a verb. Also, for the deeply down-to-earth there's hotgloves made from motorcycle inner tube. They're Truly Low Maintenance, but a bit rough visually.                                                                                                                                                There is now a chatroom, too: www.foodnow4u.com/chatroom .

Chapter 1, of 22. A lovely tonic to live from: The Smoothie Lite.

1 a) The Smoothie Lite is a home-made version of what u can buy in food-stores. A pick-me-up for when u feel the need: on getting home from work, coming inside from gardening, waking from a good night's sleep; and also a hangover, it does seem to help when u're feeling down. How to make this lovely item? Have a drinking glass for u. Pour in a finger-width or so of fruit cordial [= fruit squash]. Pour in to about halfway with milk. Top it up with fruit juice . (Stir it and then) Drink it; With a smile, for sure. The fruit cordial’s sweetnesses envelop any tummy upsets as they're chilled by the fruit juice's sharpnesses and clean sweet-nesses too, so the milk’s proteins feed u easily; and u’ll Glow happily ! . Just call it nectar, if u like ; or ambrosia. It’s the smoothie lite .

It is, too, an antidote to alcohol, as well as a bit of a hangover cure...the milk reacts with the alcohol to neutralize it, so you can carry on drinking. (There is the smallest side-effect of a tendency to produce ~~Wind~~. But this is very minor compared to its helpfulness.) . Or, u have one before the drinking session, so u get less drunk.

Variations? U could use (fruity) yogurt instead of/with the milk, for a double-strength drink. And/or a shot or so of hot sauce, added whenever. (Tap on some powdered cinnamon/black pepper/paprika/sugar/drinking chocolate/chopped chives to mix in.) The milk can be full fat cows’, semi-skimmed, or soya; yr sort. (A twist of fresh mint leaf, thrown in whenever; to be caught on the swallow and chewed).                                         Amounts: Of cordial, Choose a finger/go for a thumb/use someone else’s as yr measure. Of juice/milk/yogurt , varying their ratios from choice or need; from none to only, as u like. The flavors are up to u: U can contrast them, or complement them: Such as apple juice with orange cordial and a spoonful/little carton of black cherry yogurt mixed smooth within some (fat-free) milk. Plus ! ! , u get to chew its delicious cherry-pieces!. If u leave it, it’ll likely curdle. Indeed, if the milk’s a little old, it could curdle as u add the fruit juice. U then drink instant fruit yogurt, with a tasty whey below. Totally delicioso!. If u stir it smooth as smooth as smooth, and leave it to warm in the sun, u’ll drink a nectar-ish kind of an item, u will for sure agree.

 U can, sometimes, get what you want, as soon as ; and it’s all that u need.                                     The Gary Sunbeam Experience is here for you   :-)))  . 

 1 b) Other cold drinks; and some of their calories:                                                                      Tap water, bottled water:    Zero calories.                                                                                       Fruit cordials such as Ribena©:  websites say that its calorie-count is as low as 8 per 500ml bottle for the lo-cal versions, up to 46 cal per fingerwidth.                                 Fruit juices are about 45 cals per 100ml drink.                                                                  Moving on to modern manufactured drinks such as Coca Cola®, an ordinary 500ml bottle has about 210 cals. Pepsi Cola®, is about the same. Red Bull® is said to be 27 cals per bottle, or 100 cals per 250 ml can.  Red Bull Sugarfree only 2; or 10 in a can of ordinary. The web says that Lucozade Energy Drink has 240 cals in a 12fl oz bottle.

Chapter 2 Hot Drinks

Chapter 2 Hot Drinks, The 21st century way: tea, coffee, drinking chocolate, and night strength drinks

2 a) Hot drinks are far too hot for drinking when u've made them, if u make them only with very hot, as in Boiling, water. Many folk do; sad. Yet here is comfort, so please read on.... u Only heat to do the dissolving and the stewing, a half or less of the water that u’ll drink; it’s enough. U heat less water so u use less power, which is cheaper and it chills Mumsie Nature. It takes less time and it tastes nicer, too. Win win win win :-))) . U don’t even need it at boiling point, neither; Hot water from a sink tap is fine. So, even less power used means even More money saved, and Mumsie Nature is chilling yet more.

  It’s totally quicker than the old way when u're either sipping it too hot, or leaving it forgotten until it’s cold; Which Is ok to drink ? [Right ! with a cream-line, and dust on it]. Plus, If, sadly, u tip the glass a bit when u're doing it, it’s no big deal, ‘cos it’s only half-ish full. So, drink rarely spills out in the making; ok!. And, this way is easier to cosy, ‘cos u only must cosy half of it or less. But still be sure to lid it as it stews; to hold in its smells and radiant heat, for now. Once everything is ready, in a couple of minutes or so, u (remove its teabag(s) and) add extras like sweetener and milk. Now, top it up with tap-water at the right heat(s) for maximum comfort in the drinking. Stir it thoroughly for certainty, testing the liquid’s heat from that of the spoon on yr lower lip to catch its drip; if u like. Drink it with a smooth smile of joy and the spreading of good vibes . U can use cold water and tea(bags) in an mwave: half-full, on High for half-a-minute as u bring it up to the boil, off the heat, leave it a couple of minutes, then doing it again, twice... really stewed tea.

 b) Stock-cube soup. Put a stock-cube or so in a glass, according to taste. Like, u can break/slice from a couple of cubes, a bit of each to create variety in yr cup of soup. Add the hot tap-water, prod it smallest with a fork's tines, cool it with added water/(red) wine/beer and drink !. Thicken it into broth, if u like, with a little flour dropped onto the fat which will be on top. Stir it enough until the flour's cooked, and Then add the coolant. 

2 c)  Coffee. I)  Like, this is instant coffee; not hard labor. Better than tea because no teabag;  so less waste, and less to do. The world’s easiest-to-make hot drink.

  How to do it?: Have a mug the size that’s right for u. If it’s an ordinary mug size, put into it about a coffee-spoonful of instant coffee, with sugar or other sweeteners. [The milk: if u like it scalded, put it in before the hot water; if not, after the coolant.]  Pour in water out of the hot tap to about half full. Stir everything liquid. Fill it up with hot/cold waters to get the drink at the right heat for u and Drink it instantly, smiling happily!. To make more, u just add more coffee, milk, water; to suit. One mug all day; but Do wash it thoroughly clean occasionally, for comfort's sake. 

  For an easy cold drink, like, in summer, try instant coffee in cold water.....the same caffeine-hit, or better. How?. Use a finger-width or two of hot water for the dissolving, and fill up with cold water/milk, as u like.  Deelicious  ! ! ,                  

          It's the Instant way to Coffee-flavored Milk [see 2c III, please].

 

 2 c II)  Instant coffee is fine, but u can make coffee from beans. Sadly, coffee-making equipment with its Plungers and Pistons and Filters are washing up gloom of effort and complication and taking lots of time to wash Clean;  Baaad.  Life’s too short.  Aand, it takes up too much space when stored.  So, What?  THIS real coffee made by u Has No Machinery. It is low maintenance high fun from beans ground Turkish fine [as in finest fine]. Coffee-grinders are a hassle to clean and get the finest coffee; so buy it ready-ground. It'll brew up very strong, if u like, as Turkish coffee can. Have a steel hotflask; small or large.  First, warm the hotflask. Next, using the same spoon, add Sweetener to taste [’cos sugar in coffee usually ok, but coffee in sugar is mostly uncool]. Then add the Turkish-fine coffee, about 4 or so rounded coffee-spoonsful of coffee per half liter or so.  Pour in very very hot water to about halfway, stirring thoroughly.  Stop the pouring to max the stirring, then continue pouring till the jug’s full enough.  Lid the flask and Cosy it (?to be doubly-sure). Leave it to settle for about 10 minutes, then u stir away the grounds floating on top. And mebbe excite the ones further down, too. [It’ll then take a Really really long time to clear.] Wait a while/multitask (pour some out and dilute it if it is too strong, add milky extras if u do, and) Drink.

  How often d’u drink coffee? How often d’u wanna Make coffee? If u make the coffee too too strong, u can dilute it to taste in yr drinking mug before drinking it, and there’s less work ’cos u’re making coffee less often. So, Add the coffee to the pot by the pudding-spoon load, and u’ll be sorted for the day! and maybe up the sugar by the same amount Ok. Thinking it through, there’s more of the pot filled with grounds, so there’s less coffee to drink; but not much, compared.

  Or, we mwave it in a half-filled glass/jug:  bring it to the boil on High 3 times, then leave it for at least 3 minutes. Then, let it settle well for 10 minutes. Once out of the mwave, smell the coffee’s lovely hot aroma as u off its cfilm lid, then cool the item to drink-warmth by adding cold water/milk to the drink, to drink it as u like. 

 

 2 c III)  Stir the coffee-grounds with milk after u've drunk its coffee, to make Coffee-flavored Milk: In a glass jug, this looks lovely as u mix the milk with the swirling coffee-grounds which slowly settle in their own time and way. Then drink the coffee-flavored milk with joy when it’s settled enough for u!. To make coffee-flavored milk with instant coffee: since milk doesn’t dissolve foods as easily as water does, we help: start with a little hot tap-water and stir the solids until they're dissolved, then add the milk.   The Rhode Island state drink is coffee milk which is milk flavored with a coffee syrup; "Coffee Milk" is a registered trade mark. Sounds OK to me; it's sure to taste good too. 

 

 2 c IV) Or, u can easily vary the coffee-taste by switching one spoon of coffee for drinking chocolate and/or night-strength drink.  Add a little vanilla or a crushed clove or a crushed clove of garlic; peppercorns/chili seeds, crushed or not. (Instant) coffee made with crushed chili seeds as an extra explodes yr insides, well.

 

 2 c V) Black coffee and alcohol fit easily. [see also 17 g]. Whisk(e)y, and ginger-wine, other spirits,  fortified wines. One of the many easy ways to get yrself drunker than u think u are. 

 

 2 c VI) If u leave made ground coffee longtime before drinking, like in a hotflask, most of the grunge around the top edge will have been dissolved by condensing moisture, so it’ll have nearly gone.  If the coffee’s in a cosied metal coffee pot put on a bit of hot pipe of an indirect hot water system with an automatic timer, then yr coffee/tea/whatever will be as hot as hot needs be when u want it to be. Heated by the hotpipe/radiator that it's sat upon.  Neat, ok?.

 

 2 c VII)  The coffee grounds. U could get a second use of them,  by refilling with hot water to get a weaker brew.   Eventually u gotta Get rid of the coffee grounds. As solids, in a bin/recycled. Even Turkish-fine coffee grounds will sit in a U-bend; and they'll coat a waste-pipe's insides. So recycle/bin them too.

 

2 d I) Tea. This lovely drink has been around for a very long time, because it is so nice and calming. Have the tea-leaves loose, or tucked into a tea-bag. There's strongest tea such as Assam through Earl Grey to the ways that many folk brew China tea, weak without milk.  There's many sorts of China tea, too. And ginger tea, camomile tea; both said to be specially medicinal, even more than the well-known pickmeup quality of all teas. Green tea is also said to be specially healthful. How many teabags?: Many folk suggest that two or three per half-liter is about ok; more if they're herbal t-bags, which tend to be smaller. 

 

 2 d II) The British/American way to make tea is to stew the leaves/bag in a preheated cosied teapot in boiling water, then pour some out into a drinking vessel, add sugar and milk, wait for it to cool; and drink it. Done my way, no need for the wait 'cos u only half-fill with hot water, and finish with cold; so it's instantly drinkable. Instead of a cosied t-pot, a steel hotflask is quite as good if not better. Or, in an mwave, put the tea(bag) in an mwaveable lidded glass half-full of tap water. Bring to the boil on High or Medium and let it settle, for two or three goes; take it out, off its lid and sniff the lovely smell, stir in the sugar and milk if u're going to, fill it up with cold water, give it another stir to even the heat and drink :-))) .                Tea without milk is popular in many places, with a squirt of lemon juice instead; either hot or cold. Cold/iced tea is Very refreshing; with and without milk. Iced cold lemon tea is a big favorite for sunbathers, who often cool their foreheads with its drinking-glass before drinking the tea. Milk-free tea takes honey very easily as its sweetener. [Honey curdles milk].  Mint tea isn't only mint on its own, u could twist a couple of leaves which u add to a tea-pot as u add the tea. Very nice every way. The same with camomile.

 

2 d III)  Tea and alcohol are not often linked. Yet milk-free tea with a shot of rum is well thought of. Spicy dark rum to enrich the tea's strong flavor, with muscovado sugar. Drunk from a straw can be exciting as the hottish tea hits on the back of yr throat, the hot alcohol vapor fills yr mouth and u feel the need to hiccup; Be Warned !. Be Doubly-Warned against too-hot tea scalding the back of yr throat; this is seriously difficult to medicate for: Gargle in milk.     Vodka too goes well with hot tea, but it Can give u hiccups if drunk too swiftly, like rum; and brandy [evaaan, without the tea]. Or if u sniff their alcohol-rich aromas, u might be persuaded to sneeze. [Medicinally, it's a way to clear a blocked nose. But be sure to have a large hanky ready to catch yr sneeze's explosion.]  

Spirits are even more the stuff if drunk in cold tea with a  squirt or two of lemon juice. Mebbe u ice-cubed it cold. Such as, Earl Grey tea with white sugar left for a while to dissolve in the hot tea and cool, then add ice-cubes, a shot of lemon juice, vodka to taste.  U're much less likely to lose any from involuntary body reactions. They are delightful hot-weather drinks.

 

2 e) Drinking Chocolate. Per ordinary mug, one or two teaspoons fullish of drinking chocolate, half fill with hot water in the usual way. Add sugar to taste. If u don't add milk, honey is a cool sweetener; nor will the alcohol be wasted, if it's there. Add cold water to suit, sniff, stir, sniff some more, and Drink ! .                                                           The same with night-strength drinks such as Horlicks® and Ovaltine® .

Chapter 3 Pizza, cold, hot.

3 a) Pizza bought cold and brought home.  'Deep pan' means that u pay for bread. "Thin and crispy" pizzas weigh less for the same protein and veggies. Take yr choice.           If it's one of a stack, say four, that u bought in one go, take out the one at the bottom to stop its placcy-wrapping top from sticking ever more solidly to the top of the pizza within, oh baaad. Open its cardboard box by breaking its seal along one long edge. Lift out the pizza and put it aside. Fold in the box's long edges to make a tray. Put the pizza on it. Open the pizza's placcy wrapping, by lifting from a corner if one's been made ready for u. If not, find a weakest seam-point and pull it open from there, out up and round. Slice the usually round pizza with (kitchen) scissors, by the thumb-length or so. This tends to be an easy-to-lift-out size. Cut each piece from the outside in, until about halfway. Then, cut each slice from the inside out.  Eat it any way: By hand is usual, when wearing kgloves is comfortable for fingers. Any pizza left in the center, eat with a knife and fork. Or, eat it all with a knife and fork. Eating pizza cold is immediate and chills Mumsie Nature 'cos we use no power, so it's a total win . Tastes different than hot: cooler, quieter, easier. Quite as nice, if not more so :-))) . It's an open sandwich, really.

On the side: olives, salad, coleslaw; stodge such as bread, crisp-bread for alternative texture, french fries/chips [french fries tend to be smaller than chips as sliced potato lengths; more skin, less food, so less fattening. ]

3 b) Hot pizza. Buy it like that or diy. If u have a cold one at home to heat,      Do it either under a grill, which is Not recommended...the item might easily catch fire. Or, in an oven....lots of space to heat for just one pizza; or in an mwave, which is smaller. Or, u think of the pizza as part of a stewy feed on a hob: put in late as the stodge. Mwavely, U put pizza pieces in a pan . Add veggies, like the ones already on the pizza if u're matching. Do the same with protein if u like. Put them in the mwave, for the time that it says on the packet; plus some more time for the food that u've added, about the same again. Sorted.     Or, in an mwave, oil the enamel base-plate, put the pizza on it, cover with cfilm and mwave on Medium until the cheese begins to bubble, about 7-8 minutes. It'll take longer if u add extra mushrooms, Spam®, sliced onions, other protein and/or veg.

Chapter 4. Tinned beans and other prepared food

4 a) Have a tin-opener as a lucky charm if u like, against a non-ring-pull event. But have one: dull, simple, easily useful.  Tins of beans are edible cold, 'cos they say "Baked Beans", not 'to-be-baked beans'. It's the same with all tinned food: a tin-opener and a spoon and u're fed. Very nice too. If u rinse out the last remains and drink them, there's zero waste and maximum food-eating per money spent. And less to wash up after. With the spuds in the tin, add sliced-in cooked chicken/other protein /(tinned) veg/mayo as u like, using the tin as yr mixing-bowl; adding more as u go.

U can heat tinned food in the sun, or on a radiator or hotpipe. Turn them from time to time, so that all gets the heat. U can also heat a tin of food in a pan on a hob...still in its tin, in water that's boiling something else.   Or, in an mwave, out of its tin and into a lidded mwave bowl; with extras, if u like. Like, with beans, stir in some paprika powder; add tinied spring onions, red onions, olives, mushrooms, curry sauce, crushed chilis, tinied carrots, caraway seeds, sliced cabbage, tinned anchovies. If u add the (ex-tinned) beans and extras to mwaved noodles, u have yr stodge with yr protein and veg; all together. Ready for u  :-)))    .

4 b) Black/white pudding, haggis, pies & pasties, all them: they'll keep months, in the cool and dry; airless. In a working fridge, years (?) for sure; for they are already as fully cooked as u need. Any warming that u give them is purely for effect. Totally ready to eat; like, broken into a salad. If they're tinned, then u're talking of them keeping for as long as the tin. Like decades, man.  Same in a placcy wrapper.   Salamis in their skin need to be hung in the air; with cool and dry around...not worth it. Sliced salami/ham in a placcy packet = perfect.

Chapter 5. Cool places for keeping food edible

Food from the freezer?. To eat now? u jest; (:-((( . Too cold . Hurts yr teeth. Those of us with planning ability, time, and who never have surprises, move whatever we need from the freezer to the fridge, beforehand. And we leave it there for long enough so that this food’s temperature rises right thru to be at fridge cool not freezer frozen. The good news is that food in the fridge is edible Now!, if u've set it not-very-cold. Except that it’s a little on the Cold side, so is coolant food in summer; Nicely! .

How long for frozen to become edible if u need it Now?: To break freezer-solid food, u need a mallet and a chisel; both clean. But worth it?.Not really.  Mwave in Defrost mode, Or, mwave for 5 to 10 mins on High as the first part of an ordinary High-cook. It just cooks for longer. Or, with its paper label(s) off, leave them in hot water. Like, with yrself in the tub; if u’re sure that the packaging is watertight. Or in sunlight.

Fridges are where most folk keep eat-now cold food. But, ovens and mwaves are insulated both ways, so are a cold-store in hot weather; when cold. Add ice-cubes in a bowl to help the chillin'. If u need a cool place, water getting air-borne from a linen tent laid over will chill the contents within from the effort needed to be airborne. Like, a tea-towel put over fruity foods on a bit of a frame and wettened with a water-spray. Otherwise, places in the cool and dry and dark; but airy, not stuffy. 

Chapter 6 microwaves/mwaves, Cookers. The sun's free heat, and yr hot-pipes' and radiators'.

For zero maintenance cookery, use a microwave that cooks and doesn't just warm thru. Called the mwave by me 'cos it waves a quiet hello to blissfully happy cookery : Prepare yr food/buy it ready to cook. Put yr lidded food in the mwave in an mwave-friendly pan, press the correct few buttons enough times and it'll ring a little bell to tell u when it's done. Is that cute, or what?.

How hot and fast can u organise it?: In the mwave, as High as u dare considering how full the glass is. Which adds on time until it's slower than a hob, perhaps. Still zero maintenance, almost; and so still cute. Some recipes say that u must stir it once or twice, but it's rarely needed; like never. It's a very relaxing way to prepare food that's nice to eat. The mwave is as good as a hob and it's faster than a hotflask. It's faster than a hob, too, when it's on High; takes about the same time on Medium; on Low or Simmer, it's quite as long as a hob, and longer; but it's Still almost zero maintenance cookery. Bliss on !. Totally different attitude towards the cookware, mind. Er? Yr mwave pans are glass or pottery, which are fragile, so it must be treated with care and discretion at all times, 'cos there's no metal allowed in the pan-department here. This is Not like cooker-pans of aluminum and copper and iron which u can bash about any old way, Oh, No! It's Delicacy-time when cooking mwavely. Nor are the portions large: feed two, basicly. So families might need two; three?. Like hobs on a cooker; u don't have just one of them, mostly do u?.

Another zero-maintenance cooker is the sun, which is also free . Ok, so the sun heavies leather and hurts herbs and spices, but if it's beaming into a glass with stew in it, it cooks the stew. As a cooking bowl, a smooth drinking glass is excellent 'cos u can put in what u like: rice, water, stock-cube, salt, tinied onion and another veg or two, lid it and leave in the hot sun. When it's cooked, leave it if u like, then (pour off and) drink its liquid and add a coolant for comfort. Recipe time: water with lentils and mdf, onions. All of them long-keeping items. Or, red wine and sliced ginger root with mint and a lamb chop and chestnuts. Or, minced meat, tinied leeks, mdf, salt. Carrots, evaan. I don't much use carrots 'cos they take forever, but a day's summer sun will cook carrots in water/beer/wine. With caraway seeds is often nice, and cross-cut celery. Being in a glass, u can finish it in an mwave if the sun runs out. No sun at all? into the mwave at the start :-))) . Make porridge in a glass (bowl) in the sun, with mdf and sliced fruit; lidded, of course.

There's also hot-pipes and the tops of hot radiators; more free heat. Both are fine for cooking from, if u can balance the food securely and are prepared to wait. U can cosy these a lot, easily; for even cooler cookery, the 21st century way. Ok.  If the hot-pipe is part of a timed central heating/hot-water system, then it'll be hot when yr house is, when u return home to it. Total bliss! . Cosy the pan, for completeness. 

Old-fashioned hob cookers with a grill, u can use their grill as yr room-heater. If its top is flat, then u can put pans on top of its vent to be cooked from its heat; it works, freely. Cosying?, the heat can be tremendous, so it's safer to only cosy pans that are on the back of the grill-top, and only insulate the top. It doesn't need it at the sides, anyway, 'cos of heat around. 

Pan

Chapter 7 Pans, lids, and containers . pressure-cookers

Mwave pans are fragile, as cooker pans are robust. Oven-proof glass bowls/dishes, or earthenware; always lidded: with a lid/saucer/plate/cfilm. Porcelain apparently tends to crack; this is hearsay. Enamelled metal hob-cooker pans need a soft-ish stirrer such as placcy or wood, but they do last. Sadly, metal pans tend to dissolve in acid such as lemon juice and vinegar. This leaves them pitted, it's called, with little holes in them. Dirt keeps in those little holes, Baaad. So, have enamelled pans for yr hob-cooking.

Lids hold in the usually very nice smells of the food, for yr nose to enjoy; worth it, lids. When cooking, lids also hold in heat and vapor, nicely; so are well-useful energy-saving items, too.

Containers. Airtight. Very useful, such as emptied and cleaned food containers: Screw-top glass jars, metal/placcy tins, yogurt/cottage cheese placcy cartons. Placcy cartons: If u clean them and be careful, then they'll last. When storing food, put the food into the container in its packet if u can, so u get more protection and lose less.

Pressure-cooker. A bit scary, with their hissing and steam and heat and "PrESSure!". U wonder how they'll explode, for u do hear stories. Basicly, if u keep it clean and do what it says, u'll be ok. But, when u're cooking with one they DO need Constant attention, to stop it Blowwing Its Safety plug, or offing the weight to let out the contents in a vertical spray which drops as rain which is a total mess. So, run it on Medium-high, not High as such; or do it on something Lower, for less hassle but it takes longer. Happily, explosions are rare if u check that the pressure doesn't get too high. If the pressure gauge is well-above the "High" mark: Off the heat and lay a damp cloth on its lid, centered over the weight. Ordinarily it does hiss around the base of the weights. U can help steam escape easily by lifting the weight with the far end of a long knife or carving fork, wearing heat-proof gloves against emergencies. But Don't give enough help to the internal pressure to off the weight and let the contents spurt out. 

Hot Flasks

Chapter 8 - Hotflasks and some recipes for them

8 a) to buy a hotflask- what sort? a preferably steel vacuum flask. Glass ones go to pieces if u drop in a spoon. Where to find one, in the UK 2010?; At Argos so cheap, by Thermos so solid: Check it out at www.argos.co.uk  [Argos's "A-Z Index" is unusual, as it reads left to right instead of down each column]. There's almost zero heat-loss over 8 hours.... this is cool.; especially if u up the insulation with wooly hats.   Mumsie Nature and yr cash-flow jus' Love the hotflask 'cos there's only the One little heat-input and a Total cook. This is super-neat :-))) .

U can make yr morning hot drink in it the night before and u'll have a truly made hot drink. Such as Turkish coffee: do it like 2 cII above, with variations in 2 c IV.

Or, several sorts of tea: think richness, and a Massive tannin-hit which could cramp yr tummy unless u chill it with milk. Details on tea-making in 2 d .

Or, u Do it before u leave for work, making a truly succulent really easy stew with veg and stodge too; for when u return. It'll be ready; without u doing anything :-))) .             To max the heat input, leave it in the sun, covered in a woolly hat or two.

8 b) Stuffed noodles = stodge and protein all in one. Have salad on the side, and u're sorted. How? Warm the hotflask with some hot water, lid it, and find the noodles and some butter. Empty the hotflask of water, shaking out the last of it, if u like. Put in a little butter or similar fat to swirl around the insides, and to lie atop the hot water to seal in all the goodness. Next, add some of that hot water for the noodles to land in. Put in the noodles. Fill with hot water, seal, cosy-cover, and leave in the sun. How many noodles?. Noodles roughly double in size as they're cooked, or more like triple. Are u wanting to drain water after cooking, or to eat them as a semi-solid, with a spoon? from the hotflask, with ketchup stirred in with chopped chives as coolants. Using plain noodles, why not add some pitted black olives, ground black pepper, pour in the scrambled eggs to get cooked around the noodles and the rest as u reseal the flask and shake it lots .

U can do this very easily with spuds as yr stodge with root veg like turnips and swedes . But, after the cooking, there IS its boiling water to drain off and drink. Or, u use this hot spuddy water as a broth-base, so u pour it into a glass with bones and paprika powder already in with a bay leaf; which is cooked yr way: in the sun and/or mwaved.

8 c) Stew in a hotflask. Warm the hotflask, tiny the veggies and put them in. Add a stock-cube to taste. Add your protein such as a lamb chop, diced meat pieces, lentils, tinied chicken, totally-tinied sausage. Fill it with hottest water and leave anywhere for a few hours. Cosied, in the sun, is best. Shake it if u like, every now and again. For stodge, rolled barley is nice: As in, it's as tasty and full of goodness as yr whole barley , but is much quicker to cook because flattened.

 Goulash has paprika powder, (crushed) caraway seeds, honey as the sweetener, a bay leaf, mdf, rolled barley and lamb: as in lamb chop, diced, mince. After half a day in the hotflask, strain off its juice either straight down yr throat or into a glass for cooling beforehand with poured-in fruit juice or red wine/brown beer; or keep it on one side as the liquid base for a soup in another meal. The goulash will be almost paste. Eat, happily :-))) . U could add noodles halfway, as stodge; but they're more solid than rolled barley . Spuds are cool, too, sliced quite thinly for ease of cooking and mashing into a purée.    So is rice (with crushed curry-making spices) with (?) tinned dahl to add at the end to cool it.                                                                                      Curry: sharp hard spices like crushed cardamom, crushed cumin, crushed clove, ground black pepper, crushed chilli seeds, they see off germs. Which is why they were first used [it's a hot country item , right?]. Add some or all at the start of the hotflask preparation as u put in veggies 4 u, protein u like, and some stodge if u're going to. Fill the already hot hotflask with hottest tap water, put on the flask's stopper, and leave it for a while. To max the heat, cosy it and leave it in the sun. At eating time, strain the juice and drink it. Add curry paste if u like as well or instead of the u-crushed herbs; mix them together and leave it all to seep in more . And cool to a cool heat, then eat.

8 d) U can use a hotflask as a cold-flask when u're chilling; it's heat intolerant both ways. Put the open flask in the fridge, to cool it before filling.

They're so useful, that I have two; of different sizes. 

Chapter 9 Uncooked Stodge

9 a) Stodge such as Fresh bread: If u've fresh bread then ok eat it; it really is nice, isn't it? On its own with nothing else And there's so many sorts....black, brown, white; solid as rock, almost, called pumpernickel; frothy as a baguette or a croissant; in between like sliced white, (sliced) brown. It's in different shapes too: loaves, buns, plaits, torpedoes like baguettes; a cob is two round-ish lumps, one atop the other. There's the crust and the body; crust is flakey, so the more crust which is crumbly, so there has to be more care in the eating, and more clearing up after. There's sometimes extras like seeds on top and in it, such as caraway seeds, poppy seeds. There can be dried fruits, too; and chocolate-flavor. All of them delicious.  Just bread and nothing else can be a meal. OK, a soft drink to clear yr mouth, and we do need liquids; and fruit for the vitamins, but there's protein in bread as well as stodge. A very cheap option to feed yrself with.  As a carrier for other foods, there's So much that u can put onto bread... sealant like butter or goose fat or margarine, followed by delicious like jam which drips thru without a sealant below; nutritious like cream cheese which tends to be as solid as butter and is nice with chopped chives and celery [sliced across a lot so that there's less stalk to chew]; there's tofu, peanut butter, salami slices, hard cheeses, semi-soft cheeses, beef slices, salad.   It's often easier to hold down loose food on a slice of bread, with another (buttered) slice on top. It's called a sandwich. Stores sell them, or u can make them yrself. Deservedly popular.    Breadboards? chapter 20 a).

 Flatbreads like naans and chapatis in an airtight container will last. These make really big sandwiches; like, with kebabs and salad in them. Or, u could cut them into quarters to make less large more ordinarily-sized sandwiches.   Matsos are Very fragile, very thin, crisp flatbread. They too will last, if unopened or just air-sealed; bit of a minority taste, for they Do shed crumbs all over. They're white bread and taste very wheaty nice.  Pumpernickel is solid black bread sold sliced in small square packs. It really will last years in the cool, if sealed against the air. Good with pears, their tastes compliment/complement each other; with Emmenthal cheese, too, and dressed celery salad.  Baguette is in the Glossary.                                                               

  Sandwiches can have different sealants on each slice. Such as butter on one and mustard on the other with grated cheese between; goose fat on one and peanut butter on the other and nothing in between. And some bought ones Will keep for years, frozen for sure; and u gotta Defrost them....Baaad !. Yet even after weeks in the body of the fridge, they'll still be ok if stored at the back. Store-bought and still-sealed cooked kebabs/cheeseburgers/ hamburgers the same. But **better throw away than throw up....don't eat unless u're Sure that u're not borrowing [u'll not be giving it back].***     Cutting sandwiches into four: to their corners makes easily-bitten bite bits, its corners; but food-bits do tend to fall out.  Cut squares are easier shapes to lift and hold than the sharply-cornered ones, but biting in isn't quite as easy; some say. Others say that the triangular ones are an affectation.                                                    Sandwiches are a meal in one: Stodge in the bread; vitamins and roughage in any salady foods; and protein in the cheese/sausage/whatever. Delicious ! . The sandwich is a cold Takeaway; excellent. Buy sandwiches ready-made, from stores and holes in a wall. Or diy, if u’ve the time.   The safest way to eat a sandwich is from a bowl with a knife and fork.  Why Tomato in a sandwich is lethal: they always spurt or dribble seeds and juice; so eat tomato sandwiches with a knife, fork, and spoon, from a bowl, carefully. Tomato on lettuce has a smooth ride out. Even laying tomatoes onto absorbent bread  [which is most sorts of it] doesn’t always work for some will usually dribble thru. Tomatoes are best as puree or ketchup; or cooked into a solid-ish stew. Egg white fliES out of even a very gently-squeezed sandwich. Don’t tell me, u dressed it with oil thoroughly to lubricate its very speedy exit; Baad. Mushrooms are civilized, and tasty.          Spring onions are good. Celery slices, too: if this is diy, the smaller that u tiny them beforehand, the less work in eating.                     Chicory, prawns, the same: tiny them.  

  Lettuce in a sandwich is often in long strands which must be noticed and bitten thru with certainty, 'cos pulled-out lettuce Always brings lots of food in its folds, which is impossible to manage so drops onto yr chest or lap or the table; or the plate if u're lucky. Even when u hold the crusts to keep food in, it'll Back up and u'll have to use more hand to hold that, at the same time keeping control of the crust at the front. So, only put in small bits of lettuce; ok?; lots of it,  in small coin-sized portions.

 

  A hamburger in a roll is a hot sandwich. As is a cheese[with meat]  burger, a chickenburger [much lighter in flavor] or a tofuburger. But they’re all a very great deal messier than a sandwich. Eat with a knife and fork from a bowl. Or, with great care, holding the burger in a liquid-proof wrapping from below; so u eat it by leaning over it, from above-ish.  None must dribble out.  Heavy, doing it; but often worth it.

 Peanut butter and jelly sandwich; the pbj. Peanut butter is purest protein. In white soft-crust floppy sliced bread for the stodge.  And jam or jelly on the other bread-piece...the jam seeps out of the bread to yr finger-ends unless u seal the slice with a smear of (peanut) butter/goosefat/margarine. Then the jammy food might seep out the sides. Best eaten with cutlery from a plate.  Swap the sweetness of 'j' for jam for the tartness of 'c' for chutney so it's a pbc; Or, the 'g' for pickled gherkin so it's a pbg; or the 'm' for mustard so it's a pbm;  Or, the 'r' for relish so it's a pbr. And/or add bits of lettuce, spring onion, spanish onion to try to stop the peanut-butter from sticking to the top of yr mouth so that it's a peanut butter & salad sandwich or a pbs. A Cucumber's juiciness helps to free stuck peanut butter; so eating sliced dressed cucumber from a bowl on the side is a very nice side-salad with a pbj sandwich.

Potato chip sandwich. The basic recipe is to have a slice of white floppy sliced bread on a plate, and to cover it (deeply) with potato chips. It’s easier if u put stickum on the bread such as margarine or butter or peanut butter or goose fat or marmalade or chutney or jam and/or mustard to keep the chips in place. Lay on this feed another of the same sort of bread, matching corners; buttered up with the same or different stickum.  Press down with yr fingers [using knuckle-side or palm-side], rolling them across the sandwich to tiny the chips in as many ways as u like.  Eat very carefully by holding the crusts with fingers long on top above and below just  inside the crust to keep in the chip pieces yet lets u just munch on.      

There's marmalade/chutney and bacon sandwiches, jam sandwiches, cream cheese and lettuce sandwiches, scrambled eggs in a toast sandwich with a few wisps of cress  [and English mustard paste as one side's sealant], Spam fingers with sliced radishes and mustard in granary loaf, thin cucumber slices with cottage cheese in thinly-sliced white bread cut diagonally, meat paste with tinied spring onions and horseradish sauce in a bun; and plenty more.

9 b) Toast prolongs the life of stale bread, and will even refresh slightly moldy bread. Moldy bread: first u shake off its spores, then lightly dust off the mold. If u try to suck off the mold with a vacuum cleaner, u'll likely lose the toast up the vacuum-cleaner's tube; not advised. Hair-driers on cold just blow the mold all over the house unless u aim it right. And some will blow into the toast and stay there, even if u blow from both sides; not really advised. And it's nice to do to fresh bread, too. U can toast a piece, like ordinary and have it like that. And, perhaps then lay on some protein like cheese or luncheon meat to be lightly heated below a grill or in an mwave.                                                                                                                          Or, go for melba toast by removing the toast's crust then cutting the toast with a big knife between its two big sides, lengthways down, and lightly toasting the untoasted side of each. It's diy crispbread. Or, u cut it small to become croutons as u toast them while stirring them about so that all gets toasted evenly.

9 c) Creamed rice in a tin, ready to eat; delicious. With some or none of (granulated brown) sugar, mdf, powdered drinking chocolate, fruit cordial. (Tinned) fruit can be added when there's space or u're eating from a bowl; like a segmented satsuma, scissored within the rice to catch their spurts.

9 d) Tinned spuds: if u're solo, u can hole the tin opposite sides, and drink its juice. Then open the tin enough to either get a knife in to tiny the spuds, or make the hole big-enough to jostle out the spuds and/or eat them from the tin. If u're eating from the tin, it can be yr mixing bowl, too; adding more as there's more space. Such as mayo and spring onions, protein like cottage cheese . Spuds are a very nice meal in one: tinned, dried, fresh; boiled, fried.

Chapter 10 Stodge for cooking.

10 a) Porridge. Oats simmered in a liquid. Often, with sugar [of yr prefered color and taste] and/or salt [of yr sort]. Dieters might use water. Usually cows' milk. On a hob, on a low heat warm the liquid and add about a third of its size in oats. Stir. Mdf a favorite extra. Keep on stirring. Off the heat when it's fairly solid, and let it finish in its held-in heat. Add salt, sugar. Eat. Takes an easy 20 minutes. Easy extra is sliced fruit/bought fruit salad which cooks along with the oats.                                           Mwaved porridge: it depends on the setting, but only 2:1 liquid:solid; and for 5 minutes or fewer on High. It takes longer on Low; but u can cook more, 'cos it's simmering not Boiling!. To have coolant for soon-eating, u could over-solidify the porridge in the cooking, then thin it with cold liquid. Fruity extras like (cooking) apple/pear: slice in at the start and they'll cook along the same as on a hob. The crushed clove is well-liked here, in both ways of cooking. A ripe plantain might provide enough sugar; put in late on as a contrast to the now-cooked apple that's in at the start. Mdf in whenever.

Crunchy porridge: Add (salted) peanuts, crisps/chips; whenever. Tinned anchovy fillets also nice. Add to cold porridge (in summer) one or more of chopped cucumber, sliced tomato, pitted olives, smoked mackeral pieces; with salad dressing or mayo, if u're Really out-of-it.

Hot muesli. Make it like porridge instead of eating it cold.

10 b)....ordinary rice is long-keep, easy keep; easier than spuds. Tastes nice. Folk often add salt to rice; [but too much salt is bad for yr heart]. 15-20 minutes stir-stewed on a hob; 5 or less on High in an mwave. U can add the brown bit which is its husk, that makes the brown rice brown and takes ages to cook. It's called chaff. Lots of the rice's goodness is in here, the brown husk.  It cooks in no time, really, when it's off the body of the rice; it's in muesli. This is easy-go wholegrain cookery; speedy, too.

Ratios of water to rice in the simmer: on a hob 3:1, in an mwave 2:1 'cos they're so efficient. The rice-grains stay whole, too. Double nice.  Boiled rice Plus. A major building block of many meals. We all need stodge to keep us going. Getting rice to be cooked can be Really easy. The utterly basic recipe. Is what? About 150-200gms of rice, and water multiplied up ; Or, a third to a half of a glass of rice with one to one and a half glasses of water; washing any stuck rice-grains into the cook-bowl. On its own or with only salt, it's food. Plus, easy-keep vegetables like onions. Mushrooms, too. Any veg, really; even the long-coook ones, which u start first. It'll cook lentils and meat for protein. It'll warm up beans and other cold cooked protein. Cheese is an easy-keep item; very nice too. Added after. As are tinned meats. Mdf, whenever. Spices? a bay leaf, 10 black peppercorns, thyme, garlic. Curry sauce, bolognese sauce added as coolant at the end.

10 b I) Quickest way on a hob is to peel and chop the onion as 2/3 of the water boils in a kettle while 1/3 of the water comes to the boil in the lidded pan where u’ll be putting in the onion. As the kettle boils, u pour its water into the pan while u next pour in the already measured rice to take the heat, and then lower the heat to simmer mode. U refill the kettle with hot water, to comfort its element. Then, if u're cooking the protein, it's in either before, with, or after the rice and veg. Then u balance the lid on the pan for it to breathe!. Add quick veggies, starting with the onion. Stir it often, thoroughly. Once everything is nearly cooked u can off the power. Keep the pan lidded, and let it continue to cook in its retained heat. Then when it Is cooked, add the coolant foods. If u need it soon, put the pan in a sink of cold water, and stir it in the sink; maybe adding tomatoes to cool it. Add the by-now chopped cheese that u didn’t snack on as u cooled the rice. Eat :-))). Absolutely basic and Delicious! And quick: a quarter hour for preparation, the same for cooking, plus some to let it cool and it's gotta take 45 minutes. Think an hour and u'll be ok.

10 b II) Mwaving rice ...get the food bits small-enough for the mwave bowland for easy eating; put them in and cover them with liquid and lid the pan. 5-10 minutes on High Or u mwave in two goes:- the frying when u sprinkle the food with oil; the boiling when u add water to about half-full plus a bit: Half-hour, tops, on High; and curry-sauce as coolant . That’s powered time, when u multitask. It omits the work routine, of preparation and taking it out and putting it back in, twice. Reckon preparation-time as long as cook-time, and the time taken is still less time than on a hob.

10 b III) Veggies with boiled rice, such as Onions half-cooked in fry mode with a sprinkle of paprika powder continue to cook well when boiled. Paprika powder copes with both boil and fry. Salt absorbs heat. Celery fries and boils very nicely. Or saurkraut, tinied and added to cooked rice and onion; broccoli ok here, if u rinse it in a sieve.

10 b IV) Cheese added as protein to the boiled rice and veggies. Yr choice. Hard cheese is probably best such as Cheddar, or cream cheese. Perhaps best to avoid the softies on this one....unless u’ve been boiling the rice in white wine, Or adding it as the thinner after final cooking after the heat turn-off. Cottage cheese kinda dissolves and goes meltingly small. Tiny the cheese of yr choice, as u mix it into the food. It’ll melt very easily. Really totally appetizingly. If u sadly put it in too too early, then it will Overcook and become stringy going on silly munchies seriously difficult to eat, thus u’ll both be totally stressed. The only thing to do with cheese that’s as stringy as that is either melt it in alcohol [if it will] or throw it out or chew it as hard cheese and warn yr stomach of what it is about to receive. Better put in late than early, cheese.

10 b V) Meat bits as the protein with boiled rice plus. Stewing steak fried in a pan on a hob with veggies before u add the water and rice. Salami slices mixed in whenever. Quality meat like sirloin steak, bury in the rice after 5 minutes. Chops the same, or a bit later. Offal, slice small, and add late. Liver likes lemon (juice); in 5 minutes after the rice. Baked beans are a very acceptable alternative or extra.

10 b VI) Fish, Or fish fillets, as the protein here. Fish takes less time than meat, so put it into the stew towards the end. Evaan, as u off the heat: The retained heat of 200gms or so of boiled rice and veg will quite cook a fillet of sole, even one with lemon juice squirted on it before-hand !; if u mash it in thoroughly and leave it, with it's lid still on.

10 c) Spuds are a meal in one, and they Have got character, I"ll grant u that; each one had quite a life as u find as u meet it to prepare it, and cook it and eat it. That's why they're less easy than rice. But they're more of a meal, as there's more vitamins, stodge and protein in them than in rice; nice though rice is. Lots of spuds' goodness is in their skins, and it's easier to scrub them than to peel them. So this is a win-win situation.....Scrub them clean. How? Soak them if they need it to soften their dirt; then, wearing kgloves, use a scrubbing-brush or pan-cleaner. Finish with yr fingers so the spud feels smooth. If there Is some skin that doesn't look appetizing, u can knife-slice it off, or use a spud-peeler.  Then, gouge out the little black bits called eyes with the sharp curved end of a spud-peeler; or, as u tiny, u cut around them to remove them. Tiny the spuds yr way, cutting off the green-skinned parts [if there are any], which are not really ripe-enough for eating, and could give u colic if u ate them. Put the tinied spuds in the right pan for how u're cooking them and simmer the small pieces in yr chosen way: hobbed for 15 minutes on the simmer....if it drops from a skewer or prodding knife, it's cooked. In a hotflask, twice that, plus a bit more time, perhaps. In an mwave on Low, about a half an hour, too; and almost as low maintenance . Some folks add salt before during after.  Or, add the spuds to root veg and/or stewing meat already cooking. Spuds don't take quite as long.                              After they're cooked, strain off their juice for later soup or drinking; mash them as finely as u like, then lightly thin them with a little milk and u could fatten the meal with a little butter or goose fat. Tinned anchovies in oil provide the extra fat, with the protein and saltiness, all in one; OK! .  Or, u eat them in the shape that they have after cooking; daintily sitting on a plate next to other veg and some protein; with a folded napkin to one side. And/or add no-cook coolant food flavorings such as tomato ketchup, pickles, chutney; pitted olives and tinned mushroom soup are a second veg for u. Protein like tinied cheese, tinied Spam, mdf, scrambled eggs to be cooked in the spuds' remaining heat. Spuds are really tasty, so they're worth boiling/mwaving for eating; even without any extras. A meal in one. If boiled with tinied onions, u've two veggies for the effort of watching one.

  Plus, there's the hot-weather option of letting boiled spuds cool to saladify them. On their own or with lettuce and other veg; and/or a cold boiled egg, very popular. Just add dressing u like, tiny in some parsley/chives, and u're there. Deep-fried bacon bits are also well-liked, bringing their own saltiness, to save u the trouble. Salted peanuts are less well-known as the protein input here, but they do the job ok.                                                                                                                                                *** NB: almost all of a spud is poisonous, apart from its tubers; which is what we eat. So, Don't experiment with its leaves and stalk.***

10 d) Why no spaghetti?. It's tiresome to carry, to store and to cook with its long fragile length. If u like it, follow the instructions on the packet, but there's noodles instead.  Noodles are easy-go spaghetti. Stuffed or plain. Delicious. Follow the instructions on the packet, and u'll be ok. After their boil, and u've strained off the last water to either drink or throw, why not chop in some chives, sliced tinned meat, and a knob of butter slithered in? delicious .

Chapter 11. Vitamins

 For vitamins, usually, we buy and eat fresh fruit and veg: in salad or as they are; or ready-cooked from a store. When we've no time even for that, it's nice to know that we have tinned backup. In ultra backup, there's tablets of vitamins.

11 a) Fresh fruit. With skin around, is usual; some skins are edible, some not.  banana skin [inedible] will split along one of its seams if u hold it gently but firmly along its length in the palm of both hands and give it a bit of a gentle turn against itself. One and another and another of its seams breaks open from within and u can see the flesh and poke out a break-line of banana to eat. Down to the end, that side, perhaps; or bite each side alternately. Some bananas will be so ripe as to be liquid-enough to be licked out with yr tongue. If u don't finish the fruit within, the skin will likely refold as if unbroken; if u rest it right.

Oranges and grapefruit and others like that [inedible skins, but can add them to a stew to add zest].... gently massage their rind off their flesh with the soft insides of yr hands. Then, at about 1 o'clock from the top u puncture the skin: in a bit then up and round; with a finger-nail/spoon end. U thus lift the rind and pith from the very delicate juicy fruit within. [ the pith is the semi-soft stuff between the rind and the fruit.] It's best to wash the skins of fruit and veg that u'll eat.

The avocado pear is a fruit to know about, for it has many different delights of taste as it ages and so ripens. And different physical firmnesses to go with.... becoming softer and sweeter and yellower with age. Its skin gets firm and can crack. By contrast, when young and firm with its syrupy smooth sweet fat flesh still slightly tinted green from youth, it Can be delicious; if u have a strong tummy. For it could also give u tummy-cramps if it's Too young. A dose of vinegar then helps. After that, bread and cheese overwhelm any acidity still there. More usually, to eat the fruit inside, we cut thru the shell all around at its fullest size or top-to-bottom, and keep cutting thru the delicious fruit to its Large kernel. Do this all the way around. Once that's done, we lift them apart with a bit of a twist to separate kernel from flesh in at least one side. One side will have the kernel, probably still stuck in. Often, it's easier to put down the other [empty one], remove the kernel [which u recycle] from the one in yr hand and u now can eat. How? with a teaspoon, straight out of the item and into u. Or via a mayo plate and in. Or, u put it sliced/mashed into a cucumber salad with dressing of yr sort, and crushed walnuts/hazelnuts more than peanuts, perhaps. Ready-fried cold chicken goes with avocado pear; as does the pear fruit. It's a very tasty item, but Not very easy to keep, the avocado. Except in the fridge and even then not forever, as they ripen in-fridge; a bit, sometimes.

Dried fruit are not very juicy, but still have lots of goodnesses in them and are delicious as mdf, or Mixed Dried Fruit; very nice indeed.There's dried apples, apricots, bananas, figs, pears; probably strawberries and blackberries too. The main ones are the four at the front. All need to be soaked to soften them: in water/juice/ alcohol; (sun-)warmed, or mwaved or hob-heated. For hours and parts of hours, rather than minutes.

Fruit salad. @ its most basic it could just be fruit that's so ripe and/or squashed that it's inedible by hand, but it still very definitely Is edible. U either bought it like that as a job-lot late on a Saturday, it got like that on the crowded bus-journey home, or u forgot them and they matured of their own accord.  So, on with the kgloves, wash as much skin as can be found, remove pips and kernels and see that in the bowl there's some quite mashed plums, peaches, grapes, bananas, melon pieces, or whatever. Eat with a spoon as is, or clever it up with undamaged fruit to suit, plus some sugar/lemon juice to taste, some mdf or/and sultanas; and, if it's Very ripe, add some spiritous liquor to stem its move into an alcoholic stew.          More-ordinarily made fruit salad often has one or two light fragrant powdered spices tapped on and mixed in: cinnamon goes especially well if u added honey as yr sweetener. Nutmeg is often thought well-of, as is allspice; they fit well around sliced banana and sliced Cox's Orange pippin [a Very green apple] with mdf. U can, of course, buy fruit salad ready-made in stores; it's Fine.

11 b). Salad What is it? Raw veg. Most usually lettuce, but often with tinied radishes, celery, cress, fresh raw spinach, white cabbage; protein such as cold sliced hard-boiled egg, tinned prawns, tinned salmon, smoked trout; less usual maybe mdf, salted peanuts. Cucumber salad is Very popular. In more detail, below.  Salad dressing..What's it for? To cold-cook the food which it surrounds. It'll turn lettuce almost liquid if u leave it for a while, lidded, in a corner. With tinied celery, chicory, red onions, to be softened yet stay whole, as the cucumber too dissolves to make smooth soup with mushrooms which disintegrate. How to make it? Either add mayo or salad cream from a container, which u maybe dilute with oil/vinegar. Or make it yrself: The basic is cooking oil and vinegar 2 or 3 : 1; stirred vigorously into one fluid [not easy]. Tap in some ground black pepper/paprika/sugar/salt. Add mustard paste and/or (ground) mustard seeds. If u're fond of garlic, tiny a clove or few; crush them beneath a knife if u like; add to the dressing-mix or straight into the salad. And/or, use garlic-flavored oil/vinegar.         Old salad recipes such as Mrs Beeton's of 1861 add protein to the salad such as mashed cooked egg-yolks and thick cows' cream. Other folk suggest mashed sardines; this is nice; it turns the mayo into the meal's protein-input.  U could do it with baked beans too, if u liked; or cottage cheese.  Noodles are easier stodge than spuds to add and to deal with; and u then get a meal in one bowl: vitamins, protein, stodge .  This is nice 'n' easy.

Celery. Very popular, very tasty. A fresh one is quite low maintenance, and keeps quite well. How? Put it in water to let it drink; it might have a dirty bottom, so best to lightly scrub it clean and fresh. Or slice off that bottomest part and then let it drink.  To get some to eat, cut off some of the item: either chop across from the top down; Or, some of one stalk if that's what u want; Or, u pull off a stalk, rinse its lower parts free of dirt, and then either nibble from the top , or chop it across many times to cut its chewiest bits for u. Then eat, or salad it (with red/white wine (vinegar)). Or, cooking it in a stew with bacon, caraway seeds, a bayleaf and some paprika powder to suit, and rolled barley, is often thought well of by stomachs; mwaved or hobbed. Chicken and celery go well, with peanuts; mwave fried for five mins on High. Add a light liquid, put it back in on Low for 20 minutes; or use Medium for less time, but it splashes almost as much as when it's on High, so u can't cook as much.

Chicory is on the bitter side, but some folk like it to clear their palate. In a salad raw; or cooked in a stew when they Do become sweetish.

Cucumbers wilt from the moisture evaporating from them. But, if u leave them in their placcy covering, this doesn't happen, and they stay fully-sized and best to eat; but they are still edible if they're a bit shriveled.

11 b I) On their own, cucumbers are fine if we remove their placcy wrapper and then wash the skin clean with the soft side of a scrubber, and peel off the stuck-on labels, before we start to cut and dress it before eating. If some of the skin is marked and u’d rather leave it, check out a potato peeler for removing that part.

 Cucumber is a bit of a silly in sandwiches ’cos sliced cucumber is slippery and slides out; it's often put there already, ok. A very easy eat: u dress it to be left to ripen, as u multitask, and then u'll not so much eat it as drink it; since the dressing which u gave it will have cooked it to a Slippery Smooth Yumminess. Recipe time: Tiny the clean cucumber as u wish: usually ridden across a slicer, or cut on a chopping board with clever fingers and a knife.  Add dressing such as mayo/lemon juice&olive oil/black pepper+vinegar, and Stir and Eat. Or, add some of the usual extras: mdf, thinly scissored salami, cooked spuds, lettuce, mushrooms, cress, celery, and . Salt & white sugar give zip to cucumber.

Or, u shred the cucumber with a potato peeler,lengthwise to a tapering point. It becomes mashed, which mixes easily with chives and cottage/cream cheese, mustard.  Or, u pull/push/twist the cucumber's open end across and around the cheese-grater part of  a cheese-grater, for utter pulverization of the item; Wearing kgloves, for this is deeply messy; which u might lick clean.. Then add the other items; as usual.

 

Or, 11 b  II Only do this on yr own because this is Not delicate 

eating: Try Biting into the middle of a cucumber, to split it; then u eat the two parts. U chew it in as big or as little a bite as u like. Savor it around yr tongue, gums, teeth, and cheeks. Let it sooth your eager throat that slides it into yr equally eager welcoming tummy!.  Pause to enjoy what u've eaten, then u do it again. At hangover time, this wonderfully cleanses yr entire mouth/throat/tummy and digestion ! .

 

 11 b III) All cheeses hang in there with cucumber. Cream and cottage cheese, as above; with hard cheeses, on the side.  Fish and cucumber match up: such as chopped cooked prawns and/or smoked fish sliced/ bought very thin. In summer, for instance: with now-cold but cooked noodleswhich got chilled in the fridge, u add cucumber salad and smoked mackerel to that.Cucumbers mix well with tomatoes and spring onion, lettuce and just about everything. With a dash of hot sauce in with the mayo, if u like.

 

11 b IV)  Cucumber as a coolant food: sliced into scrambled egg after the toast, to chill it for quicker eats; with tinied olives (pitted, and stuffed with anchovies)?. As a (dressed) salad; very very nice indeed on a hot day.

 Lemon-juice squeegees are long-keep vitamin C;                                                                                                             in the fridge for longest life. Lovely.

Lettuce, best to wash the outer fronds and mebbe not eat them 'cos they're tough; the rest is fine, best with dressing.

Mushroom salad is wonderful: on their own just munched; or, tinied with mayo, and/or with oil 'n' vinegar, + mebbe some hot mustard and/or salt'n'pepper. Add celery for contrast in texture, chicory for contrast in texture and taste. Once dressed, the longer u leave them, the more dissolved the mushrooms will become; till they're almost liquid.  Dried mushrooms are OK, too. They really give u a taste to savor: Chew them in yr mouth?: all dry and a bit weird. Better: melt them in oil-and-vinegar/dissolve them in a stew/pickle them/add to a stir-stew.

 Spinach. Fresh, rinsed clean and eaten there and then, or put in a salad, or added to a warming pan of stout with crushed peppercorns where it'll be simmered into a puree if u keep at it for 20 minutes or more; or u leave it in pieces, so stop the cooking earlier. Spinach cooked in tins too is fine. Often liked with bacon, (rolled) barley, lentils, noodles.

11 c) Coleslaw is mayo with cabbage and carrots. Delicious. Add it to mushrooms, lettuce, other salad veggies, mdf, and there'll still be mayo around. Or, u eat from the coleslaw carton and put in extras when there's room from what u've eaten. (Salted) peanuts?; for their protein, ok.

11 d) Vitamin pills. Vitamin C pills, usually dissolved fizzily in water or fruit squash; taste nice. Usually, one at a time. Lots of other vitamins also come in pills; bought on prescription or over-the-counter. Good for u, if taken as advised.

Chapter 12 Cooking veggies: for how long. With their skins on, for their goodness and street-cred.

If u're hob- cooking hulled as in white rice as stodge, the root veggie protein goes in 10 minutes before the rice, meat with the rice, and fish after. Mwave or hob. Mwave is easier: on Simmer or Low, for 30-50 minutes while u multitask. :-))) .              If u're keeping veg, onions and root veggies such as yam and parsnip Do last, but u'd better pack 'em right for them to last months for u....in the cool and dry and dark. The yam's tough skin holds in moisture, but root veggies with edible skin, most of them, they wilt from moisture-loss, unless in a fairly airless environment, where they could go moldy if not dry.

Aubergine and eggplant, put in before mushrooms; everything's after carrots.

12 a)  Artichokes. Two very different vegetables:                                               12 a IThe leaf artichoke is a leafy item of a globey round shape. {It's also called the globe artichoke.} U can keep them freshly alive when storing them by letting them drink by resting their stalk-ends in water.  They'll thank you by filling out. Before u cook one, rinse it clean in cold water, then remove any leaves that u don't intend to eat: they'll look old, dried, cracked. Its edible bit is the soft yellowy flesh at the base inside of every leaf.  And the heart of the leaf artichoke is delicious; concentrated leaf-food. It merges into the also-edible stalk. This is below little spikey bits, its smallest leaves. Cooking: Either, Put it into boiling water on a hob for a half hour, covered, salted. Or, Mwaved: Cut off all the stalk so that the artichoke sits in the small amount of water that u can have on High. Slice the stalk lengthwise, once or criss-cross, and lay these bits around the leaf artichoke in its bowl. For 5-10 minutes, depending on its size, its age, and the tenderness desired. Plus, their cooking-juice is drinkable (or, with flour to thicken it. And with broken-in sage it's a soup). After cooking, u  lift it, turn it upside down above its pan, to drain it of its hot water, and leave it upside-down on a draining board to let it cool and drain a while longer.

  Eating the leaf artichoke: (Wearing kgloves for cleanliness)... u pull off a leaf by easing it back with maybe a (s)light twist and u look at the fleshy cup-shaped end to check that there's no dirt built up down in there. Wipe it away if it's there. Then, put its fleshy end in yr mouth, fleshy side down or up, about halfway in; dipped in ketchup if they're hot; in mayo if they're cold; or as they are. Hold in with yr teeth its smooth yellow underflesh as u pull the leaf out and down (or up) and yr other teeth are pushing in to max the cut, but to not bite through. The flesh is soft and sweet and  delicious squashed against the roof of yr mouth by up-pushing tongue;  squelched thru teeth to cheeks which play with it before allowing throat to slide it down.  Do this to every one with a grin until they're too small and turn all spiky.  Right at the very end, when that's all that's left of the leaves, they're sitting on a concentration of leaf-delight called the heart Slice the artichoke lengthways down its center, into the stalk; hold the flat side topside and eat out the heart that's showing, down into the stalk with a (mayoed) spoon; until u meet the spikes from inside; which u leave. 

 

12 a IIThe root artichoke is a root tuber: edible raw and cooked; sausage-shaped, its edible skin is a light brown color; about 4cms x 10cms. It's also called the 'Jerusalem' artichoke; dunno why. Tastes nutty and crunchy; nice. The food of it isn't starch, as most stodge is, but inulin [no 's': inulin] . Inulin promotes wind in some folk, which is perhaps why this food isn't as popular as it might be. Recipe time: Whole root artichokes rolled inside bacon slices, laid across lengths of celery; With sliced spuds above, and a tomato or two, and a sprinkle of paprika powder.  Lightly covered by veg oil, with 2cm of water in for the stewing side.  Boiled, sliced, simmered on a hob,  5-10 mins, depending how thin and how cooked u do them. Mwave on medium, for half that time; with other veg, if u like and it'll take longer.

 

12 b)   Brussels sprouts keep best when they're still on their stalk, which u put in water and they'll thrive. Brussels sprouts' outer leaves are a bit too chewy so are usually peeled off before cooking. Cross the stalk of each to let hot water in for quicker cooking, but not so far that u destroy the item. Add these bottom-cut lightly-peeled brussels sprouts to the rice-stew at their best cooking time. In at cabbage-time, which is before the rice/spuds.

  Butternut squash. This delicious vegetable has a toughish yet edible skin, with soft scrumptious flesh within. Its seeds are edible too, if cleaned, dried and grilled, then de-husked and u eat the item inside. The main veg: clean its skin, then slice into finger-width roundels which u lay flat to chop into bite-sized convenience. They hob-fry/boil in about 10 minutes, mebbe a little more. Mwave, the same on Simmer.

  

12 c) These days celery is as everlasting as carrots, so be warned about time. 20 mins, easy on a hob, stewed; even if u tiny it smallest.

  Its near relation fennel is just as tasty and more compact. Never eaten it raw, but folk do; in a salad.  Very nice cooked, fennel:  mwave it in small-ish pieces in a veg stock stew with sliced ginger/bacon bones/lentils/(split) barley, bay leaf;  On Simmer,  for about 20 minutes.

 

  On yr own, u can munch cress from their grow-box, 'cos it's nicely edible uncooked. Most folk use scissors. It's a nice pert little extra on cheese, cress is; and on its own.

 

12 d) Purple sprouting broccoli like peas, a runner; life's too short for all its little bits across its top. The name alone is a warning, right?. Except, it does taste ok. So, if u want to go ahead with it, preparing it in a large sieve will save most of it. First, rinse it, then remove spider-nests and rotten parts; then tiny it as small as u like and either boil, hotflask or mwave. Its stem is quite tough, so must be tinied small; and it'll all take about 15 minutes; except on High in an mwave, when it's more like only 7 minutes. 

    Cauliflower. Also best prepared in a large sieve, or bowl. Prepare as per the broccoli. Tinied as small as the broccoli, it'll be as quick.  plus, there's the world-famous Cauliflower cheese....{it'll arrive}

 

12 e) Asparagus, from a tin; eaten cold (with mayo!); and crispbread for contrast ?. Nice, but pricey.  Fresh asparagus to cook? Boil on a hob until tender; for about 10 minutes, in a lidded pan. Very ok. Its rich round soft flavor contrasts crispy bacon, cottage cheese, cucumber salad. With cold new potatoes and parsley, white wine; or granary bread and mayo. Sprinkled parsley looks nice when u serve, and tastes nice too.  Or dressed in a salad alone or with any of the above.

 

12 f)  Cabbage takes a lot of stick. Most unfairly. There’s the frothy deep greens with abundant exuberant foliage; they always seemed to me to be a lot to wash and lots of effort to seriously tiny for what u get as food. Tight white solid, they're nice; and tight red solid, also nice; the torpedo-shaped ones like chicory, also nice. Check the web.  All of them are probably edible raw, yet they tend to be a lot more edible when they're cooked and/or dressed. They’ll last in cut state, if u sort of cover the cut bit a bit, maybe with a stray leaf of itself or on a plate, cut-side down.. And put it somewhere quiet and dark. As it keeps well, it's easily there for Boiled Rice+  and other meals. U can boil cabbage with caraway seeds and/or ginger, which is Really nice. Cabbage is a starting place for lots of meals; and it is ok, so

 

12 f I) Tight-headed light green cabbage. It’s nice in salads, as coleslaw; and hob-boiled here.  Recipe time: Have a pan and a heat source for it. Start to heat the water; either all in the pan, or some in the pan and most in a kettle from a hot tap for most speed. Which u add to the pan’s load when boiled.  Tiny the cabbage into bits so that it fits in easily, and put it in.  Add herbs such as a bay leaf, 10 caraway seeds, ginger root chopped a bit.  Add the rest of the water, boiling from the kettle. Let it come back to the boil then turn the heat down to simmer and lid the pan with an airvent.  Add some salt too, perhaps, and some bones from wherever if u’re going to. Mince is an easy meat input. Barley should be rolled, for easy-cooking. 

 Cabbage is hard work for a stomach, so it’ll thank u to cook yr cabbage thoroughly, ok?  Soft = sweet = cooked.  With scissors u can tell how cooked the cabbage is by how easy it is to cut down to easy-eat size, When they’re nearly as soft as yr teeth would like, about 45 minutes usually on a hob, off the heat and let it cool to an easy-eat heat; when it's cooked.  Mwaving cabbage generally takes under a quarter hour, even if cook lots. Same ingredients, but a fragile dish.  Add water only up to at least 50ml below the top, lid the dish and mwave it on High. The water should just about cover the food.  Do it on Medium for 10-15 minutes, depending on how fresh the cabbage is [the fresher, the longer], what thinness u’ve sliced the veggies to, and how cooked u like to eat it . Off the heat and leave it until u’re hungry, when it’ll all be fine. Keep the (strained) juice to drink when cool.

 

12 f II)  Red cabbage. A meal on its own, cooked this way. Hard work, ’cos lots to do the whole way through. But worth it. Like when u’ve nothing else to do.  Try it in the ratios of 4lb/2kg red cabbage, 1 cooking apple; 1 large onion, maybe a red one for its sweetness; 2 tablespoons of plain flour, 1 large spoonful of dark brown sugar, 4oz/100gm olive oil or goose fat, mdf to taste, 2 tablespoons of vinegar, and/or lemon juice, 12 peppercorns, a bay leaf.  Hob-cooked...Have a big ol’ deep size pan, like 200ml+ down and across, and set the oil or fat to slowly get a bit of a heat in itself as u tiny the onion to easy-fry sizes and put them in.  As the onions go clear in their slow-frying, divert the heat’s attention by adding chopped up red cabbage to the cooking process. In the following cool time, add some liquid such as stock or water to boil the cabbage in, like for a while stirring it to lift any stuck onion from the frying before. Add the peppercorns, whole.  If this stock is vinegary, it’ll speed the cooking, but u might not want yr cabbage tasting vinegary when u’re eating it, so sugar gets put in later on if u like. Meantime, the vinegar is softening up any remaining bones in the stock for easy chomping. About halfway, 25 minutes into the simmering, [did u think that I was Joking about the time?]  add the apple, or later;  mdf and sugar. Keep on stirring and tinying with scissors.  Cooking done, off the heat, add plain flour and stir it in. Lid it, and let all stew for a bit in the heat that’s left. The flour will absorb the remains of the liquid that u boiled it with and so will move it from liquid to solid, for easy cleaner eating!        :-)))  .

  That’s the basic.  Options.....  

  Stock-cubes and fresh mint need no cooking so can be put in near the end, Before the flour. [Dried mint, earlier]. How?: Stock-cube broken in, mint leaf put in, stirred around to be sure that it's all mixed in enough. Add the flour, stirring away. Lid back on, drape over it stuff that needs drying, like a wet teatowel, and multitask while the flour totally absorbs the stock-tastes and mintiness. Multitask till it’s cool enough to eat and u’ve stirred it a lot to make sure .

 Lots to do. Worth it . Takes an hour or two.  Mwaving it... as for the white cabbage, Medium for 10 minutes, except there’s taking out and stirring and mixing in more ingredients. So it could easily become 20. But that’s still less than an hour or more .

 

12 f III)  Saurkraut. Uncooked, it's sour. Have it if u like it. With malt loaf as a coolant, sweetener, and thickener and/or mdf. Best to cook it. Mwave 5 minutes on High with brown sugar, salami sausage, ’cos it’s still chewy even after all that time in brine. After u've cooked it for a bit, the saurkraut is nicer and sweeter. Easily eaten with bread; cooked, or preserved fish; or with (cottage) cheese which antidote's its acidity, a bit; and mdf.

 

12 f IV) Bubble & Squeak. Leftovers of cabbage and spuds, are reheated by frying with any other leftovers; whether veg or meat. Why it u reheat it, I don't know; except to warm a cold human. U can make it more of a meal with spices or sauces.

 

12 g) Carrots whole, hob-simmered, 30-35 minutes. Sliced as thin as a coin and it’s only 10 minutes [if u drink their stock, u eat everything]. Fried ok, Taste very nice if long-roasted. Or, mwave to fry on High mixed into fat before, for 5 minutes; caraway seeds are nice mixed in here, and so is chopped fresh ginger-stalk.  Full of goodness. Edible raw, in salads;  but not very easy to digest. So not That worth it, perhaps; unless softend by dressing make a cloeslaw-ish item. Its minerals apparently help you to look beautiful. It's a health food.            

 

 Turnips, swedes, parsnips: basic healthy long-lasting foods, full of goodness, vitamins, and protein. They keep ok in the cool and dry, and sunless. If they wilt a bit, they're still edible. Their skins have loads of goodness in themselves, so scrub them clean, don't peel them off. They take a while to cook, but the smaller that you tiny them, the quicker they'll become edible. 10-20 minutes, small;  they'll take half an hour  thru to a full hour if they're boiled entire.                                                      Mwaved, on High, just covered by juice/ stock/water  they'll  take only 6-10 minutes, depending how small u tinied them.

 

Sweet potato. More veggie vitamins than a spud, and lots sweeter. Its skin is more obvious, but just as edible as a spud's is. Boiling times, tinied:  20 minutes on a hob; mwaved on High 10-ish minutes; on Warm, hours, but zero splashing. They taste fine; good with spuds, carrots, celery, dahl, bacon, barley, caraway seeds.

 

12 h)  Aubergine/eggplant. A quickly-cooked veg. Wash it clean, then tiny: easiest is  perhaps crosswise in finger-wide slices, then lay flat each slice to cut down thru the skin every fingerwidth or so. The flesh inside will collapse as u cook it, so it'll be in easy-to-eat sizes. How to cook it? Fry, boil on a hob, in an mwave. 5 minutes, or a little more if u're low with the heat.                                                                             Courgette is French for the Italian zucchino [-o singular, -i plural, in the Italian]. Clean them by wiping them down to be rid of earth and other dirt, then tiny each into coin sizes, and cook as for an eggplant.                                                                     Capsicums [? see Glossary] are edible raw. Cook them as much as u like, if u like. Their pips, however, have a tendency to be really rather spicey-hot, soa re seldom eaten voluntarily.

Beetroot. This is a root veg. It is strongly flavored and strongly colored scarlet deep red. Rather alarming.  It tends to dominate what it's with. Totally ok boiled or pickled before buying. If u'recooking it, a quarter kilo will need an hour or more simmering on a hob. Barley goes well with it as an antidote, being both bland and soothing. So does a pinch of salt and some sliced celery. Or, u slice it [which releases its color to the stew], and mwave, a quarter kilo on Medium in vinegary water (with a crushed clove, 6 peppercorns whole or crushed) for about 5 mins. 

               Full of homeopathics and vitamins. Worth getting used to.

 

12 i)  Rhubarb. This bright-red vegetable tastes very nice indeed once prepared beforehand, tinied and cooked. What goes in?. A singleton-small serving suggests two lengths of rhubarb, washed clean, + one small-ish (cooking) apple, three coin-sized slices of root ginger, two thumb-widths of water, a cup of mdf, sliced root or pickled ginger, mdf. Herbs such as (crushed) cloves go well here, and cinnamon, allspice. Brown sugar in at the end.  The frondy bits of rhubarb leaf are edible, so put them in. The skin sometimes is a bit chewy just up from the root. The way to get rid of this is to check how it is at the base...in a slightly wavy line, a bit bubbly from their juices which have seeped back out, evaporated and solidified. U can lift that off, bit by bit, by pressing some of it with a finger-end onto the top of the blunt side of a knife, Then pulling away and up until it disappears; recycle. The rest is for eating:

Recipe 1: tiny it into an mwave bowl in thumb-width lengths. With mdf and a squirt of lemon juice, sliced apple, (melon). Into the mwave for 5 minutes on High in a half-filled dish. Or, 

 

 Recipe 2: do it on Simmer or Low for 10-20 minutes, with more in. It's the same time-span as a hob, but zero to do.  Or, 

Recipe 3: hob-simmer the rhubarb, stirring it attentitively.  When it's cooked to almost liquid, off the heat, add sugar, squeeze in juice of a lemon, wait till it's cool, and eat it; happily. With a rusk, perhaps; or similar crispbread.                          

With all of the above, custard goes very well indeed. How to make it is ch 14 l).

12 j)  Olives.  Black, green, whole, pitted, stuffed with prawns, in brine, in oil; fresh,  tinned, in bottles, in placcy packets in juice, dried. Have what u like. Very tasty. And full of goodness. Some cats like olives and their stones. Swans do too; & some dogs. 

Gherkins, another bitter pickled fruit. Also delicious, and of many sizes. Eaten out of the jar, they're an amazingly effective PickMeup if u're feeling a bit rough/hungover. It Jolts u awake !, a gherkin does. Drinking its briny juice hits on yr acid stomach in a homeopathic eye-to-eye, which it wins, to yr tummy's comfort.[But a smoothie lite is often nicer !; unless yr tummy really needs it.]

  Most pickled onions are sweeter than gherkins so are a softer hit. Very nice.

12 k) Yam. Tastes delicious: turnip-like, like a root veg does. And there is a puna yam; said to be sweet, like a sweet potato. Yam's skin is strong and solid and Not edible, which means that it's easy to carry and easy to keep. They grow big, like more than 2 meters long, So u could buy one yam per week/month, store it airily in the cool and dry and hob/mwave bits of it until u buy another one. To prepare one: Clean all the dirt off and Skin a yam piece before u tiny its food part for cooking it, 'cos it's most-easily done when the yam's in one lump. How to cook this easy item? It takes as long as other root veggies, depending on how much u cook, how tinied it is, and how old it is: Tiny the strong, slightly fibrous food, and put it in an mwave bowl. With 12 caraway seeds(?), bay leaf, half an onion. Cover it with the liquid for u,  and lid the pan. Cooking yam: Mwaved < 10 minutes on High. On a hob, stir-stewed simmer, 30-ish minutes.  After both, strain off its cooking-juice to let cool before u drink it, and mash its solid lumps around the sweetly translucent onions that were in with the spuds for stodge; with coolant protein.                                                                    Eat :-)))  It's Very nice indeed.

12 l) Leeks. A very nice vegetable. Just about all of it is edible....from its washed roots all the way up its delicious body to its dark green ragged-ended leaf-tops. It's grown in a fine black compost which isn't too pleasant to eat, and its leaves get muddy, so there's a bit of work in washing it clean. U can snip off and recycle the very topmost raggediest leaf-tops, instead of eating them. No-one will mind.  How to cook leeks?. They're good with barley, with bacon, with carrots, with dahl. Leeks herb well with peppercorns and bay leaf; garlic's a friend, but not special.

    I tend to simmer just about everything, so that is first....cleaned leeks, cut across every finger-width or so and then halved, on a hob, dropped into a simmering pan of water/stock or barley/tinied carrots that've been going for 10 minutes. Let it simmer on, lidded,  as u add tinied onions, a knuckle-end of bacon, tinied King Edward spuds for the stodge-input. Allow an easy 20 minutes more, and it should all be cooked. Next, kglove clean the bacon knuckle, returning the bacon to the stew, then recycle its bones and gristle. Thicken the soupy stew with a little flour sprinkled on and stirred in, or have it as is.  In an mwave, put the above bits in an mwave-bowl, lid it, and simmer or warm the first few for half an hour, then add the other ingredients and continue the cooking for another 45 minutes + . 

   There is a baking option. U sprinkle paprika powder onto both sides of a few bacon rashers, roll these around leek-lengths, settle them in a heat-proof glass bowl, and pour on a little veg oil for them to be cooked in. If there's space around the rim, u might add some mushrooms and/or tomato-halves, before the oil-pouring. Sprinkling on More spices is often liked, such as a pinch or two of caraway seeds, a little spoon's fullness of yarrow pieces, a few twisted mint leaves, spud-slices laid on top; all, put in before the oil-pouring. This lot u lid, and bake: in an oven on Gm4 for half an hour or so. In an mwave, on High for <10 minutes. 

 

12 m)  Mushrooms are delicious fresh either raw or dressed. And also tinned, pickled, softened from dried, or in packet/tinned soup; or cooked by frying, or boiling in water/milk/alcohol.  The most basic thing with mushrooms is garlic. They Really get along, mushrooms and garlic do: Every way: boiled in a soup/stew, fried in ghee; with the garlic crushed or only sliced into a salad.

 

12 m I) Fresh mushrooms. Buy them, take them to eat somewhere, nibble & munch as u like.  Eat them from their grow-box or the ground, if no-one's looking; Except, each stalk-end might have earth on itself, which u wipe off with a rag (as it's lip-held) .

 

12 m II) Mushroom salad.  Fresh mushrooms, of the sort(s) u like. Tiny them as finely as u like into a right-sized bowl. Them and spring onions go well [sweet 7 sour]: tiny the long green bits of the onion as a counter to the sweet mushroom. Add the onion’s roundish bulb, as a totally different flavor and consistency, perhaps chopped or even pureed in yr kgloved hands. A Surprise!: in lumps, or softly all around. Celery also goes well, a delicious opposite.  Dress yr mushrooms with oil and vinegar of the sort u like. Putting the oil on first makes a cover for mushrooms’ ability to dissolve if it absorbs the watery vinegar. Then, add the vinegar and/or mayo. Mayo and mushrooms are nice!.

 

12 m III) Creamed mushrooms. Recipe-time:  Fresh mushrooms 200gm, 2no serving/eating-spoons of plain flour, milk 150ml, ghee 60gms. How? In a smallish liddable frypan on a lowish heat on a hob, melt yr ghee and tiny in the fresh mushrooms  safe for easy-eats, [or are there scissors to hand for in-pan snipping?]. Stir the mix at lo-heat thru to cookedness;  in a while . Once the mushrooms are cooked, off the heat, and add flour to soak up the fat. Add milk to liquify the fatty flour and then return the heat, stirring as u go. Vary the flour and milk amounts and thus the cooking-time according to as u like it: fork-solid or drinkable as soup. It'll take 5 minutes, tops.

 Or, mwave 1 puts into a lidded glass bowl some tinied fresh mushrooms, tinied garlic, with ghee laid over, on High for 4 minutes. (Might be a good idea to stir it halfway.) When these are cooked, take the pan out of the mwave, pat the flour into any liquids in the pan from the cooking of the veg, stirring as u go. Multitask while the flour absorbs the juicy gravy; stirring it as u pass, to help it. Next, start dripping in the milk where the flour is thickest and stir all to smoothness with yr wriggling wooden spoon; letting the milk be absorbed by the flour. Followed by mwave 2 on High for maybe only half a minute.  So u add more milk, so it’s too soft and in goes more flour. Stir away and then do mwave 3 at least, as above. Delicious. 

 

12 m IV)  Dried mushrooms. Mushrooms get tastier to eat as they dry and curl and look weirder. Store them airily and move them a little from time to time to stop them from sticking.  A little bit of mold is no big deal. If one of them Has Stuck to the newspaper that it was sitting on, wetten it off.                                                                       Recipe 1:  If u’re softening the mushrooms with hot water, then just do it in a cosied half-fulldrinking glass; or                                                                                           Recipe 2 they're broken into a hotflask and are cooking and unfurling in hot water with crushed garlic and (crushed) rosemary and/or a stockcube.                                 Recipe 3: in a screw-top jar in the sun. used to have jam in it, empty enough, clean enough; not yet washed.  Best to wipe around the outside of the jar-top where there’s often old dirty jam. And maybe wash its lid inside, especially the screw-slots; it must be done anyway, before recycling. Now, Break in the dried mushrooms , add (alcohol and) hot water, shake, stir and leave for as long as u want with or without crushed garlic and other herb such as a bay leaf; asittin’ in the sun feelin’ waarm!. Condensing water dissolves the jam-bits which sweeten the mix, and lessens the washing-up. For how long?. Think hours, then lift out a piece, chew it and decide to eat, or mwave, or leave it longer. Drink the liquid and eat the solids.                         Recipe 4:  Milk-softened dried mushrooms[for a day or few in the fridge], put in a pan on low on the hob with their milk and let simmer till soft. Or, mwave on Low for 3-4 minutes in their glass. Or,                                                                                                           Recipe 5: they are almost totally dissolved in alcohol for two days in a lidded jar with(?) a littlest extra of honey & a stock cube/crushed cloves, sun-warmed/on a hotpipe. Way to go!. Shake the jar, once or so. Heavy beers tend to suit mushrooms. It’s a black-on-black experience; and loves black pepper, whole or ground. But so does lager and white wine: mushrooms aren't much bothered about the color of their liquid. They just Love being soaked; after years in the dry, or freshly picked.

 

12 m V) Mushroom soupRecipe 1:  Buy a tin of it, get it home, open it, eat it. Or, put it in a bowl with lo-cook veggies (and tinied ham) and mwave on High for three minutes or so.  Or, Recipe 2: have a packet of it. Do what it says to do on the packet and u'll be ok. If u keep some of the water back to add as a coolant, it'll still be ok; even if u add beer/wine/fruit juice instead. Or, thicken it with flour/rolled barley and then thin it with the coolant liquid; after cooking, apu. 

Or, Recipe 3Needed are Mushrooms, tinied into a pan then tinied further in the pan with scissors, quarter-kilo; onions, a quarter kilo tinied quite finely. Paprika powder, patted onto the mushrooms as they cook, a teaspoon of.  Garlic, thinly sliced, a few cloves of.  One/two stock-cubes of yr sort(s) dissolved in hottish water. Butter/ghee, 60gms-ish. Plain flour, 2 or 3 spoons. What to do?On a Hob: Melt the ghee; tiny as u put in and quietly fry the garlic and then the onion, until they're almostsee-thru, then add the mushrooms, stirring away; and paprika powder, stirring as u go. When the mushrooms are cooked, as in Really floppy and fallen apart, sprinkle on some of the flour and let it meet the pan’s juices and absorb them.  Add a little of the water, then the rest of  the flour., then add the stock-cube(s), stirring away, until all is smooth. Off the heat and multitask for the flour to be totally cooked in the soup's heat. Stir in liquid to get it soup-thin and at best heat, and drink it.  Or,  

Recipe 4:  Mwaving:  Liquify the stock-cube in a bowl. Tiny the m'rooms, spices, onions into the bowl. Pour on a little veg oil. On High for 15-ish minutes. Take it out to find out. Either put it in again for more or sprinkle on some plain flour and add the rest of the liquid, Then put it in on Medium for 5-sh minutes. Mdf(?).

 

12 m VI) Fried mushrooms. Fry the mushrooms as gently as usual; in ghee. Tinying them before/during/after cooking. Edible raw, so don't hob-cook for very long, and how small are its pieces? as small as u like. On a hob, 10-15 minutes; mwaved. With any member of the onionish families including chicory, celery.  It's a sweet'n' sour together item, again . Tomatoes fresh/tinned/puree'd go well with mushrooms. Add kipper fillets, they hit it with fried mushrooms(and tomatoes); and u puree all as u stir  in some plain flour. Add thin-sliced apples, smoked bacon too.  Black pepper-corns or ground pepper are spices to use. So are thyme and mint.When to put in these? When u like ...apples fresh or cooked/bacon crisp or soggy/pepper sharp and nutty or a bit less so.  Or,  Add a tin of, like, soup or stew to the fried mushrooms and onions  :-))) .  Or, Make it into a soup by thinning the flour-stiff mix with milk/ water/stock-cube/beer.  To be drunk or eaten, depending how thin it is.

 

12 m VII) Pickled mushrooms. Have a big liddable jar. Tiny in mushrooms. This is a useful way to deal with dried mushrooms. Add a bottle ofvinegar and keep on adding broken-in mushrooms, mdf. Celery pieces may be easily added;  so can mustard seeds, paste; with crushed cloves, garlic cloves (crushed). Leave this in the sun for a while; shaken and stirred. Mwave-Simmer for an hour-ish. Lid it and they'll keep well.

 

12 n)  Spinach has a good strong taste. Full of iron, which is why it's so popular with Popeye® the sailor man. We need iron. If the spinach is  fresh, rinse it clear of grime. Then u can eat it as is, or in a dressed salad. Cooking it yrself: in water, mwave on High took 10 minutes. Tiny it small before eating it hot, or twirl it with a fork in a spoon. On a hob, 10 minutes' simmer.  Goes with mdf, sliced root ginger, beer/wine,  apple juice, stock-cube, with mango chutney in a sandwich. Recipe time: Spinach with rolled barley by mwave in Guinness , < 5 mins on High; and it will be purée smooth ! .  [Curried] Baked beans are easily added at the end as a delicious coolant. Or, add raw spinach, and dried onions or  [sweet] Spanish onions to nearly-cooked noodles. Drink the stock and eat the solids! .  Or, Straight out of a tin totally cooked is really nice; cold, with bread and cheese; added to noodles; dressed into a salad.

 

12 o) To peel an onion, and then cook it.... Are u eating All of it or only half, or less?.  Whatever, onion vapor moisturises eyes Ba a adly.  So, wear goggles or do it under water wearing kgloves. The vapor'll get up yr nose, too. So wear a face-mask or a full-face crash helmet; or a corner-folded hankie over the bridge of yr nose, so over yr mouth, and tied behind yr neck. Peel off the onion's loose dead crinkly skin, that was protecting it. Now scissor/cut/tear off the crinkly bits that merge into the edible part. Then, slice it along its equator on something solid, holding the onion in a finger-bridge with the knife between. Next, rock the blade forward and back with a little pressure on. Keep on going until u’ve cut it thru, then pull-lift out the knife as yr finger-bridge keeps the onion in one piece. Yr knife-hand returns with a saucer to put on one half-onion. At some point the root must be cut off unless u wash it. Tiny as much as u need [all of it, or half, or less], then Simmer it, lidded, in oil or fat on the hob for a good 10 minutes thru to 15+ if u like them sweet.

   Sliced carrots take as long as, so should either go in first, or with. Bacon bits: the earlier that u put them in, the crispier that they'll be. U can boil onions: simmer them in milk (with bay leaf, clove) or beer such as lager or stout, or in (spiced) water; for about as long...10-15 minutes. Its stewy liquid? thicken with flour, or pour off to drink, or both.  Mwaved: on High, 2 minutes; very slow on Warm, 20+ minutes.

 

12 p) Peas. Why no fresh peas? Whole ones run away. Lotsa work. [Like broccoli and cauliflower with their little beady heads. Prepare 'em in a sieve and u'll be ok.] Tinned mushy peas are cool. Dried are ok too, if u roll them to split into halves so they can't can't escape. Soak them overnight then mwave on Simmer for an hour-ish with bones, lentils, parsnip, and onions, ok! . 

Chapter 13 Protein.

13 a) The only beans worth cooking are lentils. 3:1 water:lentils on a cooker's hob or in an mwave. They're nice.   Simmer them for an hour on a hob to get dahl/dal/dhal. In an mwave, on Warm, for longer, but Zero Maintenance. Spice them as u like: chili, caraway, thyme. All of the other beans take far too long to cook; they're nice already cooked from a tin. Like, baked beans on their own in a tomato sauce, or with sausages already in there; or curried. There's options for us; all tasty: Cold or hot, and eaten from the tin or not.

13 b) Cheese. Basicly edible as it is, and long-lasting; good for us. Parmesan cheese is famous as the extra with spaghetti: grated bits sprinkled on. This is 'cos it's such a truly hard cheese, this is just about all that it's good for. But it is ok. There's hard cheese, soft cheese, semi-soft cheese, smoked cheese, cream cheese, cottage cheese, cheese in wrappers and in placcy packets. Red cheese, blue cheese, green cheese.  English hard cheeses carry very well, keep very well, and taste excellent. Cheddar is the most world-famous, justly so. There's Lancashire and several Yorkshire ones such as Wensleydale; Red Leicester, Caerphilly, Double Gloucester, Lancashire, the Cheshire varieties . Just about everywhere makes its own cheese; including Scotland & Wales, Ireland, America, China, Italy, Germany, France. Most continental cheeses tend to be softer than English cheeses, [except Gruyere] like Tilsit, a very nice smelly cheese; quite like Emmental. Celery, cress, and radishes go well with cheese; all salad does. Blue cheese like Stilton and Gorgonzola are alive with bacteria which will eat the cheese unless u cull them with small amounts of alcohol such as port poured in thru deep skewer-made holes; or, u eat the cheese faster than the microbes. There's cream cheeses and cottage cheeses, usually in fairly fragile placcy tubs; they're lovely. With or without extras already in, such as chives or olives. Mdf mixes in well with these; so do apple bits or pineapple chunks.  Soft foreign ones like brie, camembert and rocquefort are described in the glossary; all, delicious. Boursin is another French soft cheese that matures into runniness if left too long; often with extras already in, like chives, garlic, fine herbs, paprika, apple. Tastes fine; good with (cheap) wine. Feta is a soft Greek cheese. And there's goat's cheese which is soft and low-fat, buffalo cheese is low in cholesterol so could gain in popularity, and there's camels' cheese.

13 b I) Welsh rabbit: [Caerphilly] cheese, English mustard/horse-radish sauce, fresh cows' milk. Warm a fingerwidth of milk on low, add a teaspoon scoop of one or both of the spices and stir in, add 100gm of thinly sliced or grated cheese and keep on stirring. If u made a couple of pieces of toast beforehand u can easily break it in now, then u off the heat and put the pan onto something cool to prevent the cheese from overcooking which turns it stringy,  which is            Baad!.

Cool extras are ground black pepper, chopped chives and/or mint, a light sprinkling of cinnamon powder. Break in toast to soak up damp and thus firm it for easy carrying to mouth: do it early and the toast dissolves; do it too late and the crusts stay crusty.

Welsh rabbit, u can make with beer such as milk stout such as Guinness instead of milk. Or Dutch cheese with Heineken and Dutch mustard, it could be Dutch rabbit. With Dijon mustard, French white wine, rusks ; French rabbit. Yeah, right. Best to not get carried away on this one, so if all else fails it's Welsh rabbit. Dieter's rabbit could use water.

What cheeses? best to stick with the hard cheeses here. They melt the most easily. Or, u use white wine or lager with soft cheeses and blue ones. Add pitted olives and eat with a baguette-style of bread which u can dip in with, into the rabbitted cheese; perhaps.

13 c I) Chicken. Its legs do lots of work, like its wings. So the legs' meat and the wings' meat is quite strong and sinewy in its lovely tastiness. A chicken's breast doesn't do as much, so is a softer meat to eat. The rest of the body's toughnesses are between these two. This means that a chicken cooked in one will have all sorts of cookednesses for u to eat. So, What to do? Buy pieces u like, slice them thinly and cook each for as long as; or buy ready-cooked pieces. This goes for all birds. The crispy breast-skin of a thoroughly roasted chicken breast : in an oven @ 180℃/mwave High, with fat on top to start it, and with fat still below. This is delicious. Veggies are set around, oiled from the start. U can roll them in the oil as u set it out. The drumstick skin can go crispy nice tasty too. Same with goose, the breast-skin and the legs'. Less so with pheasant, 'cos game is lean; and they are small. [Turkey I know nowt about, except that it's a bit dry for me].

How long to cook it for? How big is it? Is it now in bits in its stew?. How old is the meat, so tougher? Leg of chicken separated into its muscles, in a hob-stew takes an easy 10 minutes. When it falls off the bone, it's cooked. The breast flesh disintegrates in about half that. In an mwave, in a stew, 15-20 minutes on Low or Simmer which allow fullish pans. Mint often goes with chicken. Root veggies such as parsnips and spuds go well with mwave chicken-stew (and a goulashy little paprika powder, a bay leaf, some caraway seeds; and/or a stockcube).

13 c II)  Goose pieces. A goose piece: cook it for as long as it says. If it Doesn’t say how long to cook it, then Recipe-time: To let the goose-fat easily run free of its skin, slice across the skin every thumb-width or so; both ways, if u like. In a stir-fry on the hob, start with its fattiest side down, on goose-fat or other fat in a deep fry-pan, at the usual low-ish heat for 5-10 mins. Then, with the veg that u now put in, and inies as the goose was cooking, let the goose-piece carry on simmering, 10 + minutes a side, and it has three sides.  A few times, prod it with a knife-end as a bit of a carve and if its meat softly falls from the bone, it’s totally cooked. Add liquid to lower the work and make a stir-boil stew, with rolled barley to absorb the goose-fat.  It’ll easily take a half-hour of constant care.

  Goose is good with apple [ the cooking /eating sorts], in slices; with mebbe one or two twisted mint-leaves. And/or in a liquid such as apple juice and/or cider as the stew-liquid.  Lay the goose-pieces of the sort u like, each of them of quite a size, in a liddable glass dish of size, with the goose's fatty skin side sliced as above and put downside onto leeks. Add yams, marrow, zucchinis and eggplant, tucked around; lay on it celery/onions; pour on some cooking oil and about half-fill with hot water to let the herbs spread, and infuse the food. Caraway, with chicory’s sharpness matches goose’s sweetness, garlic, peppercorns, and and. Lid it and mwave 10 minutes on High. Have a look at it halfway, to baste, taste and stir it all. Put in some spuds which will begin to fall apart after 10 minutes on High; some, after fewer. I wouldn’t curry a goose, for it has a strong-enough taste of its own to shrug off even a vindaloo.  Goose prefers cuddly herbs, as above.

 

To roast a whole goose: Check if its innards are in its body-hole. If so, take them out to cook separately [Mwave them in Guinness on Warm for 40 minutes; take out the cooked items and continue for another half-hour or so for the chewier parts]. Pieces of fat in that body-cavity, pull them out to lay under the goose, on its breast and/or render down either separately or, if there's room, in a lidded bowl in the oven. Rinse the body-cvity of any old blood-remains in the cavity, and dry it.  Fill the cavity with stuffing, or a whole peeled onion, some celery, or other veg; or leave empty.  Weigh the goose and lay it in a roasting tray; on goose fat if u have any. Turn on the oven to GasMark 6-7 or equivalent, to pre-heat the item. Put some veggies around the goose, if u like. Drizzle cooking oil over all of this to help the cooking. Cover it with aluminum foil. Put it in the oven for about half an hour, then down the heat to GasMark 5-6 for about 15 minutes per pound/half kilo. Or, you can slow-cook it on GasMark 3 for 20 minutes per pound/half kilo. After u've offed the heat, leave the item to continue to cook in the retained heat of the oven for at least another half-hour. Take it out, lift off the aluminum foil, smell the delicious smell and start carving.

 

 A boiled goose-piece will goulash well, if u feel the need to broaden its strong birdy taste. On a hob: a goose-wing with rolled barley, a handful of; root veggies, another handful; (crushed) caraway seeds, two pinches of; 1 bay leaf, (crushed); 7 black peppercorns,  whole, if u like; 1 capsicum; mdf, a little handful of; tinied mushrooms by the handful; (pitted) olives, a soup-spoon or so; paprika-powder by the coffee-spoon; spuds, as stodge, as many as u like to bulk it up. Cook this for a half-hour or more; more like an hour to Really collapse the veggies and soupify the entirety.  In the mwave, on High, 5-10 minutes depending on how much u're cooking. More like 5 than 10. If the pan's full, u'll have to do it on Warm, and it'll take the larger part of an hour; if not more.

 

 A good way to deal with goose-bones is to make goose broth:  Boil the bones with a handful of rolled barley,  a root veg, a pinch of sage, a cupful of raisins, a tea/soup-spoon of paprika, a pinch of caraway seeds, a couple of cloves. In a deep glass in an mave, half-full on High, not more than 10 minutes. Then add a little flour if it still needs thickening and stir it. Give it another minute or so on High; then take it out, add coolant and drink the liquids, eat the solids & recycle the bones [if u may].

 

 Stuffing. A way to cook veg and stodge when u're short of pans...put them in the bird. This takes longer to cook, 'cos there's more there, and there's no heat-access from its insides.  Basicly, tiny the veg and spuds; then either stuff the bird or cook them yr way: surrounding the roasting bird, or in a bowl or few around the roasting basin, or in an mwave for 30-ish minutes, lidded, with cooking oil over @ a medium-ish heat. It's good-enough to eat on its own. But u can stuff it into the bird or beast, re-weigh the item, and roast/bake/mwave to the new weight.

 
13 c III) A duck breast got mwaved in 20 minutes on High, in a glass lidded casserole dish; with a bay leaf, garlic, mdf, mushrooms, a chopped white onion, sweet potato, tomatoes, cooking oil, and hot water.  Once cooked, I took it out of the mwave and added plain flour which absorbed the fat and water and got cooked in the heat that was still there as I stirred it into a thick consistency,  I’d put it in for 30 minutes, but it was doing so well after 20 that I thought to have a look. And it was Cooked! . 

Other parts of a duck are equally good to eat ! ; its legs and wings are even tastier, and chewier. Its offals' ok too. Do them the same way: in a caseroley dish. U can make duck soup with the carcass, a bay-leaf, rolled barley, root veg. Cover with water/Guinness/red wine. Mwave on Simmer an hour or hob it the same. Spuds in halfway-ish; depending on size/age. Drink the stock and eat the solids. Delicious.

13 d) Why no fried eggs, No omelettes? 'cos they both are hot-fat spitting items creating lots of cleaning-up after, and smells now. Too much work, even after the cat's checked it out. Poached eggs?....there's So much mess, fuss, and extra items to the process of poaching. Poached eggs don't taste so incredibly tasty, neither. Life's too short.

13 e) Eggs:   Looking at the pic on the right, the biggy is a goose's. The littlest is a bantam's, the other, a hen's. **the pic is by kind permission of www.webopus.co.uk***. (Alas! as of the first week in September 2011 my most excllent software house Kudos Web Design, has lost this pic and shows no desire to put it back. Sorry!!! . As of Sept 22nd, they decline to work for me. They've done nothing helpful, but have taken £252 off of me. Their ultimate boss Mr Tien Trinh says that he'll email me the entire file, yet I'm doing this update via Pixel8Ltd. Who has the base-file of this site?.)  Hens' eggs are the most usual. Per person, often two. Or one goose egg 'cos they're bigger; or several bantams', 'cos they're smaller. Duck eggs are about the same size as hens'. Folk say that duck eggs tend to go "off" if left out; so, keep them in the fridge. Keeping eggs: broad end up, 'cos the air-pocket is there, so it's ok from the egg's pov. Cooking hen's eggs....

13 e I) Boiled eggs are ok. First, have a hob because **it's physically and chemically impossible to mwave a boiled egg.***  Why? 'cos eggs have in them, in their yolk, sulfur. When agitated by the mwave- radiation, this turns into a gas which explodes dramatically. Don't think that putting in an airhole will sort it, It Will Not ! ! . U'll be scraping egg off of the inside of the mwave to eat it, instead of out of its shell. But it Will be cooked ! . So, why doesn't it happen with scrambled eggs?...'cos we've spread the sulfur with the white of the egg and the milk, which calms it. It'll explode if u try to fry an mwave egg, with all of the yolk in one piece***.  If u're boiling an egg in a pan on a hob, that mebbe has in it already noodles or spuds, U Do need to put in an airhole, above the egg's airpocket. Where's the air-hole to be? At its highest point when u float it in cold water. How to make the airhole? Using something with a sharp point, like a nappy-pin or ordinary pin, sort of twist its point. Breaking thru one little point very easily spreads all around so u have to scramble it, instead [Which is why I don't bother with boiled eggs.]. Into boiling water put the air-holed egg and let it be boiled-around for about 5-6 minutes. If u like the yolk solid, do it for longer or boil a smaller older egg. If u like it less cooked, use a bigger younger egg, or boil it for less time.

Long-cooked eggs, air-holed and baked: put in the sun; or lay on a rag on a hot radiator top or hotpipe. Or both. If it's on a radiator, then cover it all around, like in a sock folded under as a cushion against a hotpipe's power. Both ways of doing it: Turn the egg so that it gets maximum heat-benefit, and eat in an hour or so.

13 e II) Scrambled eggsPreparation: Have a mixing bowl. Have a saucer to crack open each egg in. Do it in the sink, then if the egg's "Off" it's easily sluiced away. If it's not off, put the egg in the mixing bowl and recycle/waste the egg-shell. Do it again. Two, often; per person. Add to the mixing bowl a finger-width of milk, or so. Stir this little lot until it's as much one color as u're bothered. Add a shot or so of hot sauce, if u like. Either drink it like that, or cook it before eating; this is more usual. If u Do drink it cold, u could follow with a warm-enough hot drink to cook it in-tummy as u rush off to work or play.

Cooking scrambled eggs: On a hob: on their own or with veggies, with or without stodge. On a hob: in a fry/sauce-pan on a low heat fry beforehand tomatoes and mushrooms, as yr bread gets toasted and u mix the eggs. Halt the toasting heat and pour onto the cooked veggies the eggmix. Stir stir and stir again until it's about half-cooked. Break in the toast to absorb any left liquid, keep stirring till all of the egg is solid yellow to look at, off the pan's heat, put the pan on a cool surface (without its lid) and eat its contents as soon as it's cool-enough to do so comfortably.

An mwave way with scrambled eggs, with veggies and stodge. Melt ghee in a biggish lidded mwave bowl on Simmer, as u tiny some easy-cook veg like a capsicum, zucchini, or a tomato or two. Add this to the now-hot fat, stirring the veg into the fat. Return to the mwave for about 10 minutes as u tiny some mushrooms. Add the tinied mushrooms to the bowl and continue the mwaving for about another 10 minutes as u deshell a couple of eggs, put them in a mixing bowl, add some milk, and stir this to one color. Break up some bread: toasted, or naan, or as is; as u like. Add the tinied bread to the mwave bowl, stirring it in so that it absorbs lots of the ghee. This'll bring down the bowl's heat so that the egg-mix won't stick to its sides as u stir it all in most thoroughly. Return the bowl to the mwave for a further 10-ish minutes, still on Simmer. Check for cookedness, leave until cool-enough to eat and do so. This is fine as is. With a spicy naan, u get spices for u. Or, add some, whenever: ground black pepper, sage, rosemary, thyme, paprika, yarrow, salt. Fresh parsley/chives tinied and sprinkled on top at the end. This is very nice indeed lo-maintenance easy-cook food.

13 f) Fish fillets/whole, fresh, to be cooked. Lightly simmered in winey water is often nice. 20 minutes on a hob should be enough. In an mwave, on High. half that or less...u'll see when it's color is white thru the mwave's glass door. Almonds are a nice light nut, ground bits laid on a Dover sole; only a few. Parsley often goes with fish. And olives. The bright yellow (powdered) herb turmeric downsizes the smell of fish.

13 f  I) Fish'n'chips. Bought hot, with salt'n'vinegar; wrapped in newspaper. Deelicious! By the time that u're home, they'll have cooled at least on the outside for instant easy eats as you spread out the item on a biggish plate to max the cooling, if that's where u're at. Could be that it's been so long that u decide to Re-heat the item in the mwave, ok. Mayo instead of/as well as the salt'n'vinegar.

13 f II) Fish cakes/fingers, just add them and break them as u stir them till opaque white, then they're cooked. Fish are late additions to a cooking pan, 'cos they're quick-cook items. It's best to cook fish thoroughly if u are cooking it 'cos it goes off easily if raw; and can give u worms and retching and worse.

13 f III) Mussels. From a tin, cooked, delicious. Fresh, alive mussels, in their shells; also delicious but lots of work... Since they're alive, there's damp and water, so be sure either that their bag is water-proof (rare), or that its drips won't matter on its way home. Once home, blast-fill a bucket with cold water, and put in the mussels. On their way in, u can scrub them clean, find and throw the loose seaweed and the dead ones. How to tell a dead mussel? Push each of its two shells softly against one another. If they firm up in a "GetOutOf Here!" kind of a way then they're alive. If the two shells shift easily and stay shifted, then the item's likely dead. So, lift it cautiously away from the waterbucket and towards the sink to take the mud that'll likely be in it; waste the shell as u're allowed. The living ones will thank u for the breather in their bucket of air-filled water and continued chewing-time on their seaweed, as u prepare their stewing pan. This is often a fry-pan with a thumb-width of hot water in it and a lid on. Put in the mussels on low then lift to a rolling boil heat. Lid it, watch it, and wait for the boil to resume. Then drop the heat to simmer and wait for each mussel's shell to open...it's a sure sign that it's dead. Leave them simmering a while longer, until the fleshy surround of the item is the rich yellow/orange that u see on the pickled ones in jars; then, they're cooked. About 15 minutes.

The opened mussel-shell is quite elastic along its seam, so u can use one as tweezers to lift the others out of the pan and then get the food out of each shell. Or, lift each on the back of a knife, as a saddle; the water drips off as u do so, neatly. Mussels sometimes have pearls in them, so either check before or/and have a care for yr teeth as u chew. They also might still be chewing seaweed; so eat it for them or throw away.

**Cooking mussels in sauce in their shells leaves lots of sauce on the shell. Saaad: u either waste lots of sauce, suck them clean, or clean them in a pan of hot water, lifting out the shells to leave u with a mussel-sauce soup; big deal. Plus, u heat the shell which u neither eat nor get juice from, so u waste heat. This is So non-21st century Green, that I hardly dare to mention it. It is also , Alas!, the presently-standard way to make "moules marinières"; in some places. Oh dear! . But You now know a better way :-))) ***

What are the cooked mussels to go with? a going stew in another pan is most likely. Or, let them cool in hot weather and add to a veggie salad, to noodles, put in a sandwich. Or, make a salad on their own with mustard paste, cooking oil of yr sort [say spiced with mint], and lemon juice. So thoroughly well-dressed the mussels might be that they get pureed; if u stirred them with scissors. And as u added sliced cucumbers, mdf, and croutons.

13 g) Meat: re-heating and eating store-bought cooked meats. Delightful: cooked cold kebabs, slices of lamb/chicken. U can tiny them into the veg-stodge mix as a coolant-protein. Same with pies and haggis; sliced salami, spam.

Meat that u need to cook: tiny it for quickest cooking and eating. Quickest is mince, takes minutes; even on a hob. Then diced, tens of minutes hobbed. Then chops, the same. Slabs of steak, they take time, hob-fried in a covered pan; could be 20 minutes+, depending on its thickness and the hotness of the hob.  Mwaved sirloin steak, covered with cooking oil, in a pan with veggies set around, my cookbook says 8-10 minutes; and it could be right . Burgers, tiny them as u put them into the stew and they'll be as quick as mince. Bacon, the smaller that u tiny it, the sooner it's cooked. Buy bacon bits and they've done it for u. Either way, its quick: minutes and parts of minutes, only.

13 g I  Game such as rabbits, pheasant, pigeons.  **beware!  If this is real wild [non-fish] game, it’ll likely have in it some lead pellets from a shotgun that killed it. It’s no big deal if u eat them, u’ll waste them out and yr gastric acids will have hardly noticed them. But yr teeth will notice them badly if u bite on a pellet, so eat game with care against the gunshot pellets; and bits of the animal’s broken bones. Find these nastinesses to remove them, and do so; before having some really happy eating***

13 g II a)  Rabbit.  U can buy rabbit from shops, already skinned, but if u’ve got one that’s still furry, here’s how to skin it and remove its giblets. This could get messy, so do it on a clear worktop next to a sink unit, wearing a waterproof apron and kgloves.  Spread the rabbit on its back, butt end over the sink, Spread its back legs with one set of fingers as the other aims a scissor-point at the rabbit’s bum hole, which could squirt turd at u so Do be careful. Its bum-hole found, slide in the sharp point of the scissors and run it against the inside of the hide, as far up as u can; snipping as u go. Aiming up before snipping so u don’t break the rabbit’s body sack containing its digestive system, heart and lungs, which lie within and u mostly want to dump. Cut up to the neck and under the jaw to back of teeth. The skin will lift quite easily and u’ll see where any shot went in, if it’s a wild one. Remove the shot and broken bones.

 As the body sack appears, drop it into a dish to look for the kidneys, liver, heart. Liver and kidneys small but tasty; wash first. Sort the bladder and bowels to throw away with the grass-filled tummy and intestines.  The lungs are very bloody and rich for gravy by adding flour and rolling them in kgloves then frying in ghee, lower the heat and add water/stock/ milk to ease into broth. When u get to the legs in the defurring, just cut up the softest line and peel the skin from the limb with yr kgloved finger-ends. The head and ears: lots of  work for little food, But there’s the brains too, which are edible; assuming that u can find them. They’re white and squidgey: spoon them into scalding hot water and they’ll cloud when cooked.  Also their cheeks, and eyes. Small and edible.  How long to cook it for? The rabbit: An hour @ gm4/180ºC if u’re oven-stewing it with veg and/or alcohol in with the water. (Rolled) barley is popular with rabbit. So’s celery, spuds, carrots, swedes and such. As it cooks, if u’re stir-stewing rabbit limbs, the rabbit will progressively fall apart, helped by scissors not only thru joints but also across its meat. Pressure Cooker takes half an hour on High; but Watch it!. Mwaved rabbit takes 15 minutes on High, stirring halfway; and leaving it for 5 minutes after to completely finish its cooking. 

13 g II b)  Pheasant are so dim [bird-brained] that they get hit by traffic and lie dead by the roadside. If u’re on a bicycle or walking by a trunk road thru country, u’ll be noticing them from time to time. Is it looking at u from the sidewalk? or Is it  frisbeed by traffic on the highway?  Is there so much traffic that u risk being flattened yrself?; it’s not worth it. There’ll be others....In the gutter, in the grass by the hedge, When and where there’s no traffic, y’know [Bought from a store].  If the whole feathered pheasant is to go with u, be sure that u’ve got something to put it in, like a stout placcy bag.  No point otherwise; 'cos u can’t bicycle around with dead pheasant hanging out of yr panniers, 'cos the smell of it will get the interest of dogs. Wrap it up like u mean it, so that the pheasant and u are home whole; alone.   What to do with a whole pheasant, brought home?. Respect this guy’s state of health so fridge it in the placcy bag straight from the pannier so that any tiny wildlife that stayed with the bird after u’d shaken it, they stay with it for now.    Prepare for the plucking, yrself and the equipment. Take the bird out of the fridge still wrapped up. Unwrap it and clean it in the sink; removing all insects and other animals, slowed by the cold, by lifting feathers and washing them out.   Pluck it as follows....Have a sink-unit and its surroundings cleared free, 'cos feathers fly but are trapped by water, and then are easily bagged to throw away. U're wearing an apron or a water-proof top with the helmet-string tied tightly around yr face if u're a bit nervy.  And kgloves. Do it safely...clad is better than wet is better than feathery. After, vauum up the feathers that got away. Take the bird from the fridge, and unwrap with care against dirt and little animals. Wash away any cold-stunned fleas and other insects with all of the dirt. Leave the bird in the sink, below a lightly dribbling tap; and wrap up and throw away the wrapping that it came in, with any smallest wildlife and dirt. Remove its feet because its claws are sharp and not eaten: using pliers or wire-cutters to cut straight thru a leg; or, cut the muscles' tendons just by and in the joint where u can see them sliding over. Their feet will fall into yr hand.  Neck and head, either pluck and cook and eat; or chop off and throw away, 'cos lots of effort for not much food. Pluck the bird by holding the to-be-plucked bit by the nearest joint above and pulling out a few feathers or one at a time. Let the water catch them rather than fly around. Store the feathers in a sink-corner; then bundle and squeeze them less wet and put them in a bin-bag, Or put them aside to be dried and used as pillow-fill. To open up the bird and empty it of its body sack, have handy a pair of scissors. Hold the bird by the neck on its back with its legs apart. Spread this part with a finger-bridge as u source its bum-hole. Once found, skewer it thru its bum-hole and up with the pointy scissor-blade. Keep on snipping up to its neck. The body will open, leaving its body-sack clear to view. Scoop this up and pop it in a bowl, rinse the inside of the bird's body-cavity and then lay the bird in a stockpot gently starting to simmer with a thumb-width or two of water/stock. Maybe some herbs: parsley, (crushed) peppercorns, mint. Honey added at the end; a small spoonful of. Redcurrant jelly a favorite extra here, on the side. The body-sac, open and search for its lungs, heart, liver and kidneys; which, u wash and add to the stew. Throw away the rest; except the stomach if u like..it's chewy, and there'll maybe be food in it that it was eating when it died. Open up the stomach and either share its last meal or throw it, before u add the stomach to the stew.  Pour on a bit more warm/hot water. Start tinying veggies. Put them in. Add more water with a few herbs of the juniper or ginger sort. Garlic always a favorite. Just about cover the bird with watery liquid and let it Simmer away as u slice into it, every thumbwidth or so, opening up legs and wings across the muscles.  How long for?.  People say about half an hour in a braising pan, 10 minutes each side and the bottom, in a going lidded stir-stew.  More like 45 minutes, to truly cook this strong food. The meat’ll lift off of the skeleton and the joints will loosen and fall apart. Or, Mwave it for 10-15 minutes on High in a stew.

13 g II c)  Pigeons. Dead, not always plucked and gutted. Do the plucking and emptying as above section 13 g ii b) and as above rinse the insides clean. If the bird is wild, look where buckshot entered, follow the line, find the shot and remove it/them. Then put the item in a stockpot in the usual way: with lentils, before quick-cook veggies. Or,  mwave for 10 minutes tops, on medium or High. Munch with care for yr teeth because of the bone-bits and the lead.  Pigeon breasts: Nicely stir-fried. Check for buckshot by kneading each breast to feel for any lumpy bits; Find and remove (to recycle, with the price of lead these days; I'm not sure if I'm jesting here). 

13 g II d)  All the smallest wildlife is just stock. I’m talking flattened mouse, roadkill squirrel, a pet-caught bird. Made edible as above 13 g ii a & b).  Put it in a wide-necked hotflask with veggies.  Pour in the boiling water, close its lid; and leave.  If u’re cooking on a hob in a simmering pan-load of food, then do it with perhaps onions, leeks, rolled barley to thicken it up, an apple or plum for sweetness, mdf. Then u add herbs; or not, and go for the animal’s taste. How long for? How long u got?. A half-hour for a mouse should be plenty in the hotflask or added to a simmering stew.  The little imp’s bones, they’ll get boiled to nothing. In the mwave, 10 minutes or less on High. 

13 g III) Venison. If it’s wild it’s totally free-range. Cook it as little as u like. U can chew it raw, if u like; but probably yr jaws won't thank u and nor will yr tummy.   Call me civilized, if u like, but I prefer my venison cooked....

13 g III a) Venison lightly fried in ghee is nice. First: start lightly frying the onion, as u add the mushrooms, on the usual low heat.  Then add the venison which’ll spit at u even on a low heat so cover the pan and shake it about a bit so everything gets cooked nicely. The thinner that u slice the venison before/during cooking it, the faster it cooks and u have the least work in the eating, ok! . Eaten with a soft bread roll. Yummy. Half an hour; plus preparing it, half that. From start to finish it could take u an hour; with the washing-up.

13 g III b) Sun-cooked venison, thus....Have a drinking glass or bowl or jug which u can lid.  Have some venison; about 100-150gms per person is quite a meal.  Slice it long and thin, so that it’ll most easily feel the sun thu’ the liquor that it’s bathing in. Like, fruit juice, or spiced up water, or a little alcohol added to speed the cooking. Or just straight red wine heavied or not with spirits or fortified wine (with crushed juniper berries); or a strong brown ale. And a lemon: juice, rind and flesh [omit its pips].

  Recipe time:  Put a small amount of water, a fingerwidth or two, hot or cold, in the (freshly washed so) warm glass. Add the herbs, add the meat, add more liquid to cover the contents enough, Cover it and leave it in the sun. Go silly if u want and add lentils and mdf. But Do find a sunny spot to put it in and keep it in for all of the day. Give it a stir or a shake every hour or three. If it’s cooked by teatime, eat. If not, risk it for a second day, or sit it in hot water in the sink to fake the sun. Or mwave it for like another few minutes on Medium. Or, u can leave it on a hot radiator/pipe with a cosy atop and around. When it's cooked and cool-enough for comfort, Drink its liquids and Eat the solids, yummily!.

13 g IV) Offal [=kidney, liver, usually; stomach and heart are tougher so less-used, unless it's cooked tripe which is beef stomach; ok. ] It needs cooking, so rinse it thoroughly then tiny it around any fat-lumps as u add it to a going stew. Their fat and gristly centers are acquired tastes. Take less time than rice and spuds. If u're frying onions, add the offal when the onions are nearly cooked.

13 g v) The sausage is **Not an easily fried food,** 'cos its shape is wholly wrong....one thin arc of meat taking the weight of all. And that's the only place that gets the heat; Doh! . Plus, they're often full of water which explodes in steam as a Banger! ! , Ba a d . The hamburger, happily has exactly the right shape for quick full frying or stewing or (sun-)baking. When it's brown all thru, it's cooked. U can just about boil sausages; same as u can hamburger-shapes but slower.

13 g vi) Smoked food is already-cooked, so heating's for (pleasant) effect. The same with tinned meat such as luncheon meat and Spam. These are often fried for effect, or added to a stew. As a coolant food is best?. 

Chapter 14. Sweet foods: apple pie, eggnog, sherbet, sundaes, pancakes.

14 a) Apple pie.  Apples in pastry. Works for rhubarb, too.  Making short-crust pastry: equal parts butter and lard to be folded into twice their weight of flour, wearing kgloves. How?: Chop small the fats and add a few bits at a time to the flour, mashing it all between yr fingers. Or use a wooden spoon.  Carry on until it's done.  Then add a little water or fruit-juice, bit by bit, to solidify the mix so u can make shapes with it that stay. Old recipe-books say that u should then let this lot mature in the fridge overnight to get perfection, lidded. Few folk have time for that these days; but even half-an-hour would probably help it. Make the topping pastry-shape first; u could mix in tinied candied peel to the top-pastry in its last folding. Then roll it flat on a floured surface [so that it doesn't stick] about 3mm thin or less, with a rolling-pin or a jam-jar; and shape it to fit on the dish by putting the dish on upside down, and cut around. Then, lift off the dish; perhaps using the flat of a knife to separate the dish top-edge from the pastry. Lay the dish right way up and butter its inside to stop the pastry from sticking to it. Now, put all the rest of the pastry in its bottom and sides by rolling the pastry flat beforehand and cutting shapes to fit. Any with candied peel in is just there, ok.                                                                               Next, cover the dish's pastry with a thickish layer of the washed, decored and tinied apples, then scatter over it a little sugar and lay on more apples; and so on to the top. Apple and rhubarb are juicy-enough to not need any water added; so, nothing extra is ok. Or, mdf, a few ground cloves, a teaspoon of cinnamon powder, the same of allspice, or another herb u like, some citrus rind for zest. How many apples/rhubarb? Enough to solidly fill but not over-fill the dish. Cover this with the pastry-shape u made to fit on top. How? Perhaps, lift it on the flats of a couple of big knives and/or spatulas, carrying it over the dish, lowering it onto the dish and pulling out the knives, one at a time, by their easiest route.  A pie-dish about 15cms diameter will need about 240gms of pastry: say 40gms of butter and of lard, and 160gms of flour. There might be pastry left over, after u've got neat edges all around, maybe make a little design of it for the center of the pie-top. U could use the extra pastry to line a cup or mug, fill with some jam, cover the very last of the pastry and put it in the oven with the other bowl. U can seal the pastry top-layer by painting it with glaze; or else vapors will escape and decorate the insides of the cooker/mwave: ~~baaad~~; u'll not be able to eat them, and u'll have to scrub them off, after.  To be doubly-sure to keep in its flavors, encase the item: in ally foil, shiny side in for the oven; or in cfilm for the mwave. If u use self-raising flour, it will rise; and likely scorch or burn; oh dear. So u're better off with plain flour.  If u'd like the pastry sweet, add sugar to the mix as u fold it. Now, bake/mwave so that all is cooked nicely: In an oven, on gas-mark 3 for about 20 minutes, leaving the pie in the oven's heat to completely cook.  Mwave Simmer 20-25 minutes; or a bit less. 

14 b) Blancmange. Flour and milk, with sugar and flavors. In the ratios of 1 pint/half a liter of milk, 60ml plain flour or cornflour, 45 ml sugar, some lemon rind. If u dare, warm the milk with the lemon rind in, and add the flour. Or, wetten up the flour in a separate bowl with a little of the milk, then gently pour on the hot lemony milk, stirring as u go;  to a smoothness. Pour it all back into the heating pan, add the sugar as u stir stir and stir again. Add flavor such as a shot or two of fruit cordial, jam, and/or chocolate flakes; stirring for smoothness. Then, remove the lemon rind and pour it all into a jelly mould to cool and set. Eat, with whipped cream and rusks.

 

14 c)  Christmas pudding. Also known as plum pudding, although there are no plums in it; nor even prunes [dried plums], generally.  Keeps longtime. Very nice indeed. With(out) clotted cream in the eating. {Upping the superstition: u gotta make it beforehand to let it mature after cooking and before eating, in October or November, on the Sunday before Advent, on "Stir-it-up Sunday" when each member of the family stirs the pudding-mix in an anti-clockwise direction and tosses in a good-luck charm as they do so. Silver charms and rings are the favorites, silver coins too. But don't try it with brass and copper ones, for they will taint which creates a nasty taste; plus, modern UK copper coins are copper-plated iron and will rust, and rust tastes not very nicely. So, best not to use them. It happened around 1992, so older ones should be OK}. 

  Recipe time: Foods: Sugar as brown or white as u like 225-250gms;  Dried citrus fruit: u need about a kilo, and lots of  it is sold in 250gm bags, so buy the ones that u like and can be bothered to tiny. Mdf is small-enough already! so is an obvious good choice here. But there's dried bananas, dried dates, dried figs, prunes, all to tiny; raisins, sultanas, and citrus peels; to do it differently.  Breadcrumbs as stodge, 250gms-ish; stale ones are ok. As granary or white as u like; but leavened, since pumpernickel or matso is not advised. Nor is flatbread, much, it hasn't the frothiness needed.  Meat such as Suet, about 250 gms.  Eggs to stick it together and for their protein: 2 large or 3 ordinary-sized hen’s eggs. Or have different: 1 duck’s, 1 hen’s, 2 bantams’; Or 1 goose’s.  Liquids, 500ml more or less; made up 2/3 beer [Milk stout is a popular beer choice here] 1/3 milk for its healthiness; or all one, or all the other..  Beer will curdle milk so u’ll have curds [going on yogurt] and whey if u put in both; it’s fine. Spices such as powdered allspice, a spoonful of; or a teaspoon, pudding spoon, it's up to you. Juniper berries say 5-10 of, cloves 3-6 of; all crushed. Fresh ginger sliced thinly and/or pulled apart, about 30x5 mm in size. Or pickled ginger pieces, tinied, 4no coin-sized; choose yr coin.  Fresh citrus peel from an orange that u’ve just eaten, or something; about a thumbwidth a side, tinied. Powdered Cinnamon goes well here, a pinch of. (Powdered) black peppercorns less so. Put one or two in whole to add shocks to the taste, if u like. Add salt to taste, a finger-pinch or two. Add a shot or two of whisk(e)y or other spiritous liquor as a health item, it's a medicine; and will help it to keep for even  longer.

What to do? Wearing kgloves, mix into a paste the breadcrumbs with the wet ingredients, by stirring the eggs in a measuring flask, and pouring that onto the pile of breadcrumbs.  Re-use the measuring flask for the measured liquids: the beer will dissolve the milk and eggs and so clean the bowl; so measure the beer last for least washing up.  Then mix in the dry ingredients; thoroughly. Put the mix into mugs or glasses up to about 50 mm of their top, else it will boil over. Cover with cfilm, and mwave on Medium for about 20 minutes.      That’s one of the basic recipes.   And is very nice indeed. Some folk say that, before u cook it, u should leave the mixture, covered, in a cool place overnight to let everything seep into everything else to get an even fuller flavor; and they are right.

 Or, cooked on a hob, in a bowl: cover the bowl with greased grease-proof paper, and tie this on securely. Either simmer it in an ordinary pan for several hours. Online recipes vary from 4-8 hours, so it's Not a quick food to prepare. !Stick the pan on a hotpipe with plenty of water around the pudding, and let it cook while u're at work all day!.   In a pressure-cooker, it'll take considerably less time: but we're still saying almost 2 hours on High for a 450gm pudding.  

**Plus!! To very young diners its glistening black look is oddly new; and its steamy hot smell has the new odd aroma of alcohol. It often out-faces kids. Christmas pud is quite an item to get yr head around,  when first met. It can cause tears, so bring it to children, gently***. 

   Serving: the hot pudding, turned out of its bowl, sits on a deep plate upside-down. A sprig of holly is put on top, some spiritous liqur such as brandy is poured on top and set aflame, and the pudding is now presented to the diners. The alcohol burns off, the pudding's cut into pieces and served, and is accompanied by custard or whipped cream or brandy butter. [brandy butter will be in ch 18 quite soon].

   Here are some other versions:  some web recipes add fresh veggies. They don't keep as well as the "preserved  fruits only" versions. The web goes for grated carrot, fresh fruit such as apples; Go check for yrself.  Apple adds lightness so u really have to tiny Everything Very Small Indeed:- more work but even more and fresher taste ! . They'll be softer, so won't keep shape so easily if turned out of their pie-dish; and they'll be lighter of color. Put the fresh fruit 'n' veg  in instead of some of the dried fruit.  This makes a rather quieter introduction to the food ! .

 

 14 d) Crumble is baking a sweet pastry top on already-cooked food, whether stew or fruit. In the ratios 1:1:2 of butter or margarine:sugar:flour which u fold together until smooth: like, 50gm:50gm:100gms. U can clever-up the crumble mix if  u add tinied (wal)nuts, or mdf, or chocolate powder. Then, lay this mix on top of the cooked food and bake on gas mark 2 for about half an hour/mwave on High for <10 minutes.

 

 14 e) Eggnog.  It's raw scrambled eggs with extras. Contents: a soup-spoon of (full-fat) cream; all of 2no eggs; a tea-spoon of light brown sugar; a thumb-width of milk; spices such as a finger-pinch of one or more of all-spice, cinnamon, nutmeg, salt.    

Mix this lot together with a vigorous fork. Drink with relish, ok!.  Or, if u think to caramelize its sugar, do the stirring in a warming pan on a hob until it's cooked and Then eat it. Or, have the mix in an mwave-friendly bowl and mwave as hotly as u can so it doesn't boil over. For a minute on High should be ok.  

   Some web-recipes insist that u only use the egg-yolk; right. Sadly, egg-white's almost only use is for meringues, which are tricky to prepare and to cook, and are not That popular. So pop the egg-white into the eggnog with the egg-yolk, ok; u'll be ok.

  Many web recipes say u should add alcoholic spirits for their taste. But, since the milk will knock out the alcohol and alcohol is taxed heavily by the government, adding alcoholic liquor is giving money to the tax-collectors without u even enjoying it; some folk suggest that this is silly. Many folk think that u might be better drinking the spirits on their own,  by the glass. 

 

14  f) Flan. A pudding that has totally changed since the 1950s: then, it was an open fruit- or cheese pie on a pastry base. Now, it's  a wobbly item with separated eggs and caramelized sugar. Not bothered about either. But caramelized sugar is nice. 

To make caramelized sugar: put sugar granules in a warming fry-pan on a lowish heat and watch as it melts and goes brown. Immediately take it from the heat and lay on a cooling surface to stop the item carrying on into black burnt nasty bitter smelly. This gleaming brown liquid sweetness is an excellent extra, poured over cold fruit pies to warm them and sweeten them; or onto porridge, or into coffee.

 

 14 g) Sherbet {said "shur but" or 'shurb't", slurpily}, 

Sherbet is a British fizzy soft drink, made by adding fruity crystals [from a bought cone of], to cold water and stirring.  Or, u just eat the fruity crystals which can be taken from the sherbet cone with a liquorice stick. The sherbet will color yr tongue.

   Or, it's an American frozen dessert, with lots of ways to make it, according to the web.  Perhaps the simplest is: a medium egg-white, 100gms sugar, 250gms of fresh fruit. Mix them together, chill in the fridge, eat. [from cooksunited.co.uk].

Or, it's six cans of carbonated fruit juice, poured into a bowl which has the contents of a small tin of tinied pineaple-chunks in it. Stir in the contents of a small can of condensed milk. Stir all; chill in the fridge. Eat. [from sulekha.com]. May twist in some mint leaves.

Or, it's ice-cream soda. Which has many variants. Simplest is ice-cream, soda, mixed together. Add chocolate syrup/drinking chocolate powder, (brown) sugar, lemon juice. Stir, chill, eat.

  Or, it's a largely Muslim invention, a totally cool cool drink devised by teetotallers, made of the essences of various flowers' tastinesses; often drunk by the stoned when conscious-enough to manage it. It's fruit juice with attitude. Basicly fruit squash made with soda; prettified as u like.

Sorbet [=water-ice] {said "sore bay", not 'sore bet'}: Sorbet is frozen fruit juice. It's kinda diet-ice-cream, because milk-free. Ice lolly without the stick. Cold; nice.

 

14 h) sundae {said "sunday", it's an intentional mis-spelling of Sunday, for historical reasons}. Basicly, ice-cream with extra calories: (hot) chocolate sauce, &/or fruit sauce, whipped cream; and maybe roasted nuts and a glacé cherry or two, one a side. Chocolate nut sundae has crushed burnt almonds,  hot chocolate sauce, cream on and around chocolate ice-cream with bits of chocolate in it; or something like. These items are fairly easy-go about what u put in, amounts of, and flavors.

Ice-cream soda dates from when soda was thought to be medicinal, and alcohol was either illegal [prohibition USA], or not buyable between 3.30 and 5.30pm [UK, 1915 to 1980s]. Ice-cream with soda poured over it. Seems silly to me. The soda melts the ice-cream, everything gets sloppy, and u likely lose some. Soda's full of burp-gas anyway, so What's the point?; have them separate, and stir the soda gas-free, ok?.

 

14 i) Ice-cream, Too much hassle to make, best bought ready-made and fridged until eaten. If they're left out until liquid, they may be drunk; with(out) a dash of sherry mixed in. Very nice indeed, lots of different flavors, some with added solids like chocolate flakes and (rarely) [salted] peanuts.

 

14 j) Jelly. To make: Have some gelatin cubes. Do what it says on the packet, and u'll be ok. If it doesn't say, have a pint-ish sized bowl or glass; lightly-warmed ['cos u just cleaned it?]. Put in a jelly-cube; half-fill with hot water. Prod and stir it with a fork's tines until it's dissolved. Suck clean the fork. Let the jelly cool and solidify and eat it with a spoon; or only half-cool and drink it warm. Very nice indeed.

 

14 k) Knickerbocker glory. The knickerbocker glory's baseline is tinied fresh fruit in the bottom of a tall glass; such as crushed raspberries. If the eater is old enough and desires it, the fruit may be flooded with one or more strongly-flavored spirits such as cherry brandy or peach liqueur. On top of this, drop a dollop of ice-cream of yr desired flavor, squeeze over the top some peach melba sauce, scatter on some flaked burnt almonds and/or crushed walnuts and (half of ) a glacé cherry; finish it with whipped cream. Eat it with a straw to suck up any alcohol before it gets wasted by the milk in the ice-cream; then continue with a long spoon, and feel yr waistline expand as u do so; with great relish,'cos it does taste nice.

 

14 l)  Custard is delicious to many folk [including me. With prunes, especially], but is Seriously hard work to make. It's probably Best to buy custard powder and cook that. Just follow the instructions on the packet.  Or, u buy yr custard ready-made ! : custard tarts are Nice!. On their own, eaten with a tea-spoon. Custard is good with stewed fruit: like, from a tin; or freshly cooked apples, pears, Christmas pudding, and and.

 

14 m) Milkshakes require preparation and explanation. Some places call it a frappé if there's ice-cream in, others call it a milkshake; on the basis that that's Italian for milkshake. My web dikko says that it is. But web-searches show that there are two or three other Italian words also meaning milkshake, so speak warily in Italy when asking for one. And know what u're expecting; perhaps learn some Italian, to describe it. 

  If it's just milk with flavoring, some places call it a milk-shake, others call it flavored milk.

 The general run of opinion seems to be that a milkshake is ice-cream, (coconut) milk, fruity &/or chocolatey flavoring, and maybe tinied fruit(s), jelly,  chopped nuts. Best to read the menu before ordering; or, domestically, ask.  Nice, however.

 

 

14 n) Treacle tart . Buy a tin of it. Do what it says. Eat. Good with

                                                                                     custard.

 

14 o)  Waffles. To make them u need baking powder, baking soda, separated eggs, a waffle-iron, and I don't know what. Buy them, ready-made, and heat them in an mwave or oven for a few minutes. Their in-out grid-iron deeply 3-dimensional bulky shape is hard to warm thru evenly: Their outsides get brown to burnt before their middles are warm-enough. A total waste of time, money and energy. 

 

14p) Pancakes. Lotsa work, but they taste really nice. Into a bowl with a half-pint of milk in it, drop two eggs out of their shells. Stir to a smoothness. Slowly sieve into the bowl 100gms of plain flour, stirring the bowl's contents for continuing smoothness. Add one or more of a little salt/pepper/paprika and keep stirring. Warm a frypan on a hob not too hot to burn butter; add some butter. With a ladle or little cup, or straight from the mixing-bowl, pour onto the fairly hot pan enough pancake mix to cover its bottom not too thickly, but all over. Shuffle the pan around to keep the pancake moving, instead of sticking to the pan. When one side is cooked, either flip the pancake up off the pan so that it flops back, raw side down, to continue cooking, or use a spatula to get the same result. Have a warmed plate handy, lightly dusted with flour, to put the cooked pancake on. Do it and lightly dust this pancake's top with flour to easily take the next pancake. Repeat until all the pancake mix is cooked. It doesn't matter if the last one is  a bit small; or hardly there at all. Finish emptying the mixing bowl either with a to-be-sucked finger, or a crust of bread which u either fry before eating or eat like that. Then, let yr pet cat/dog be disgusted that u left so little, yet they'll give it a licking anyway; and the ladle. Only then, wash up the mixing bowl, and ladle.

 Now, dressing the pancakes and eating them: To start with the first-cooked, put a warmed plate on top of the pile of lightly-dusted pancakes, upper face down. Flip the pile, remove the plate that's now on top; with its nearest pancake, if u can.

This, dress before eating. How? So many ways, with a knife and a spoon:

A sprinkling of sugar, a dribble of lemon juice, roll up and carve with cutlery before eating daintily. Or,  Add some creamed  mushrooms (with fried bacon), roll up, carve, eat; daintily. Or, With a knife, apply jam/marmalade/ Bovril before the roll, carve and eat; daintily. Or, Do it with salad and/or grated cheese with mustard. Or, Put one back in the pan, lay on some cheese, pop it under the hottish grill and liquify the cheese before u add a little mango chutney paste, roll it, carve and eat; with a massive grin, daintily. U can do this in an mwave, too; using a big glass plate, so easily found. Or, Have the pancake on its own, folded into a quarter or eighth and picked up by some of yr kgloved fingers.                                                       Pancakes are very nice indeed.

 

14 q) Semolina pudding. Put a pint of milk into an all-metal pan with a lid/a liddable mwave bowl, with a bay-leaf (& a crushed clove or 2). Bring to the boil/High it for 45 seconds. Stir in a soup-spoon and a half of semolina-powder. Stir gently for 10 minutes on the low-heat hob/return it to the mwave for 3 minutes on High. Add a teaspoon or so of sugar u like, which'll dissolve easily in the hot fluid as u break an egg into a little mug or glass and lift out its yolk which u drop into the mix. U will have to stir this in. Then, be vigorous, and whip the egg-white into a stiff froth in its mug, then add it to the mix.  Put all this, lidded, in a hot oven on 5 for 25 minutes/return it, lidded, to the mwave on High for about 5 minutes, stirring it once or twice if u like.

  Variations: Only use 3/4 of a pint of milk or the coking, so it's a bit too solid so u stir in the last 1/4 pint cold to thin the item and cool it to an eay-eat heat.  And/or Add mdf at the end to cool it; or @ the start, to bulk it out in the cooking. Add tinned fruit pieces, the same. Maybe Add thin slices of apple at the start, to cook with the semolina. Add really ripe plantain, after, for the fun of it; if u like. Add jam, for more fun of it. If u fancy it crunchy, add salted peanuts, after the cooking.

Tap on a little cinnamon powder, if u like.  Help it cool to a comfy heat,     & eat.

 

14 r) Banoffee pie. [according to the guys who invented it, it's now spelt banoffi; done @ The Hungry Monk restaurant in east Sussex, England, in 1972. Wikipedia also gives 'banoffy' as a variant spelling]. I like the "ban" 'cos it's made with banana, and I like the "offee" 'cos it's made with toffee. This version is not a straight copy of the Hungry Monk now-version [findable on "hungrymonk.co.uk/banoffi_pie/"]; but it is based on it and a few others taken from the web: the BBC, Steve Lee, Nestlé Carnation, Phil Vickery, Banoffi pie recipés. U'll need too a pie-dish [for the mwave] or a saucepan [for a hob] to make it in, about 20cms/8" across.

Made of?: The pie-base is either finely-crushed biscuits [digestives and/or ginger nuts/hobnobs, about 250gms of] solidified with mixed-in melted butter.  Or, it's a ready-bought pastry-mix, or it's made-by-u pastry. These last two are too much fuss to be worth it, but are basic to the original recipe.

 For the biscuit version, about 100gms of butter should be enough. Into this pie-base goes either caramelised condensed milk, which takes hours to make, or about 400gms of tinned caramel. [Carnation makes it]. This is where the "offee" part of the item's name comes from; from the toffee-ish caramel.

 Different recipes have different numbers of bananas, but an average seems to be 3:- 2 of them quite ripe to mix into the toffee and the cream, 1 slightly firmer to slice and lay across the top &/or across the caramel. Coolness and ease suggest that 1 or 2 is quite enough. About 300gms of cream; either the whipping sort or double-cream. {This IS a high-calorie dish.} U can enliven the cream by mixing in instant coffee &/or drinking chocolate powder &/or mdf &/or peanuts, &/or sugar. But, if u add too many extras, the cream will collapse instead of being whipped; it can't take the weight. [So, put the extras on top].  U can sprinkle on top of the finished pie some sugar of the sort u like with/or some grated (dark) chocolate or drinking chocolate powder. A Very little, or u'll collapse the cream.

What to do?....Tiny the biscuits: either in an electric blender, or by hand with the help of a rolling pin over the biscuits in a stout placcy bag, or in the saucepan with the back of a spoon or by hand-crunching them then knuckling them [wearing kgloves, of course]. When they're as tinied as tiny can be, we gotta add glue to stick it together so it can be the the base and sides of the pie: butter will do it....

  For mwaving, put the butter in slices into the dish, cover with a lid/cfilm, put the dish in the mwave and heat on High for about a minute. Remove from the mwave. On a hob, Clear a space in the middle of the saucepan,  put the butter there, put the pan on a hob that's on a very low heat and stir the whole item as the butter melts. Once the butter's melted and thoroughly stirred-in, off the hob-heat and cool the pan's bottom by sitting it on something cold and inflammable like a draining board.

   Either way,  mix the butter into the biscuit-crumbs until u have a smooth fine paste. Press this paste into the floor and sides of the dish/pan; and put the item in the fridge for about half-an-hour to an hour, to re-solidify the butter.

  While that's happening, whip the cream: either in a blender, adding the banana (and sugar) as u go, and any instant coffee/drinking chocolate powder. Or, pour the cream into the mixing-bowl and whip it by hand, with a whisk. Add a banana, tinying it in, and the spice; as with the blender-method. Whipping cream into a froth is NOT easy when there's extras such as a banana or drinking-chocolate powder.

  Next, when the base has set, pour the caramel into the base and spread it around . Add a ripe banana, tinied before into half or quarter circles; or, perhaps, mashed. 

   Lay the whipped cream on top of the caramel, and decorate its top with some sliced banana &/or (dark) chocolate gratings or drinking chocolate powder. This is easier than trying to mix them into the whipped cream. 

   The pie is now made. Cut it into convenient sizes and serve. The dish/pan easily can be the storing-vessel for the pie, so we needn't try to remove the pie as a unit; 'cos it might crumble if its base isn't quite solid-enough, 'cos the day's warmth melts the butter. 

Chapter 15 Flapjacks, Biscuits & cakes.

15 a) Flapjacks. Easy to cook, easy to keep, taste nice. How? Weigh an easy weight of butter, such as about half a packet, 250-ish gms. Slice it thin and let it melt on a low heat in a broad saucepan or a frypan as u stir in the same weight of sugar u like. U can caramelize the sugar by raising the butter's heat slightly. I've not done it 'cos u could brown the butter and scorch the sugar {bad}. But it's there for u. Stir in twice the butter's weight of oats until it's as smooth as u like. Eat it like that with a fork or spoon, tastes nice; or bake it a bit. (Many web-recipes for flapjacks have more butter and more sweet items like syrup per weight of oats; but u'll get stickier fingers, and the flapjacks could shed syrup-lines as u lift them. And there could be quite a set of butter-marks where they were. Mine are drier, longer lasting, less mess; They taste fine :-))) .

Baking flapjacks: In an oven: have a baking tray that fits in yr oven, have some ally foil to put over it. Smear with butteror similar fat the tray and then add the flapjack mix, patting it down quite firmly. Cover it with the ally foil and put in a prewarmed oven on Gas mark 4 = 180℃ for about half an hour, mebbe a bit longer for more solidity in the item. Off the oven, leave it in until cool-enough for cutting. In an mwave, u'll need a broad shallow earthenware dish. Grease it like for the oven. Fill it about a finger-width high with the mix, cover with cfilm and mwave on High for about 3 minutes. Either way, after cooking Take it out using hotgloves, likely; and lift the ally foil/cfilm while sniffing its escaping aromas, and set down the foil/cfilm. With a sharp knife, get between the tray and the food all along the sides, working yr way in a bit. Then cut them into easy-eat pieces, working the knife a bit at the tray. With luck, many of the flapjacks will by now have lifted from the tray. Any that haven't lifted, get the flat of a flexible knife between the two. Let them cool, eat the scraps and scrapings from the tray; and those that u don't eat now, store them in an airless tin having a ktowel at its bottom.

15 b) Biscuits, crispbread, cake. Still wrapped, in an airless tin; last longtime. Even once opened, in an airless tin they could last months....it's worth sniffing them and if they smell stale, then at least waft them free of smell and probably still don't eat them. If they smell fresh as in nice to yr smile muscles, it's edible.

15 c) Filled biscuits and cake are not so much foods as luxuries. But plain ship's biscuit takes the biscuit for hardness, long shelf-life, and indigestibility. To be dunked in tea, like the digestive....How much of a digestive can u dunk and still get all of it into yr mouth instead some of it dropping off?.

The easiest cake to carry and to eat and to keep seems to be either the solid fruitcake such as a Christmas cake; or, the Battenberg. The Battenberg's square shape and solid marzipan coating give it solidity in the carrying, and ease in the cutting and the keeping :-))); it has a nice fresh almondy taste, too. The Christmas style of cake, heavy with mdf; With icing to seal its top. If it's still in its tin, or made airtight around the sides, it'll keep a while; like for years, man. Aery light shop-bought sponges last for days, unopened. Opened, in an airtight tin, it'll stay edible for a week, likely. Then, into a stew with it when stale, as sweet stodge.

Little savory biscuits and spicy biscuits' extra tastiness often(?) gets in the way of eating a whole packet in one go. This depends upon How big is the packet?.

  Baking cakes (Not in singleton sizes):   

 15 c Ithe coffee walnut cake. 200gms self-raising flour; 200gms butter; 3 large eggs, beaten; 200gms fine sugar; 3tsps of instant coffee granules dissolved in100ml of water, or 100ml of very strong black made coffee; 50+gms chopped walnuts, 15 walnut halves.  Mocha coffee walnut cake needs 50-ish gms of chocolate sprinkles: light, dark, or mixed. What to do? Break each egg in a saucer and put it in a mixing-bowl.Whisk them one color.Add the water & instant  coffee granules/coffee,       sugar. Combine to a smoothness. Add the flour thru' a seive, little by little. Spread in the butter and go for smoothness. Tiny in the chopped walnuts. [Add the sprinkles, if u're going to]. Keep on stirring till all be smooth. Leave it to settle for an hour. Have a deep 20cm diameter baking dish; like the one on the right. This one has a quick-release spring on the side, and they do work; but, the extra iron there raises its heat slightly, which can be diffused with double thick ally-foil inside in a 10-15 cms length, full height.   Line the baking dish with greaseproof paper that stands proud of the tin, which u grease. Add the cake-mix. Fold over the g-proof paper and lid it. Let it settle for another 10 minutes as u pre-heat the oven to Gm 4. Put in the cake, centrally, for 30-ish minutes, to bake it. When's it cooked? If u press its top with a spoon and it springs back, it's cooked; else, keep on cooking it.  When it is baked, off the heat, have a heatproof place to put it, take it out and  put it there.. Off its lid, smell its delicious aroma and run a knife around between the dish and the cake, inside the paper, if u can.                   Now: Separate the cake from baking-dish: if it's metal and not a sprung one, the bottom will lift, so rest it on something narrower but taller, like a few jam-jars. Drop the sides and slide the cake onto a plate. If the baking-dish is ceramic, u must turn it all upside-down and tap its botom until it drops free; then turn the cake rightway-up and let it settle on its plate. Next, cut the cake horizontally into three pieces of equal height. When the cake is cold,  Spread the icing with the flat of a knife onto the top of the slices and put them one atop the others. Spread icing around its sides. To make icing, for this-sized cake: 400gms sugar [icing-sugar is merely finer than superfine & granulated, U could use brown if u like]; 1 tbsp of honey or golden syrup; 2 tsps of instant coffee grounds [with 4/5ml drinking chocolate powder if u're mochaing it]. Dissolve in 35ml cold water; or use black made coffee and omit the instant coffee granules.  The walnut halves: on the top, twelve around the edge and three in a cluster around the center. Ones around the sides, center with the ones on top, or they might spall off in the cutting process for slices.  

15 c II Christmas cake, fruit cake. Christmas cake is just fruit cake with marzipan and icing. Icing is as above. Marzipan: slice it thin, roll it for further thinness, then stick it on the cake with glaze [see glossary for details of glaze].  The fruit cake's contents: 500gms mdf; or, for instance 300gms mdf + 50gms tinied glacé cherries + 50gms of halved sultanas + 50gms tinied dried pitted dates + 50gms tinied pitted apricots.   Brandy or other spirit liquor or fortified wine 50-ish mls + 300 chocolate milk/fruit juice; or leave out the alcohol and up the other liquid's amount. The milk will chemically react with the alcohol to remove them both. Perhaps, either a strongly-flavored liqueur like the apple brandy calvados & apple juice, or kirsch & mango juice, or sherry & orange juice, or have it all just chocolate milk.    250mls self-raising flour of the sort u like. U see that there's more fruit than flour in this item.  What to do? Put the dried fruit in a deep bowl or screw-top jar, cover with  alcohol/milk and leave for about 8 hours for the dried fruit to bulk up; stir it from time to time/shake the jar. Combine the 250mls flour with the liquid that's not with the dried fruit; add that liquid, too. Mix in the dried fruit. Have a baking dish and line it as for coffee walnut cake. Add the cake-mix. Cover. Pre-heat the oven @ only Gm 2, put the cake into its middle and leave it to be baked for about 45 minutes. Test it for cooked-ness as with the coffee cake above, and carry on as above. Once that the cake is cool, either ice it or glaze it to keep in all of its delicious aromas and dampness. Eat it all now, or keep it in a sealed dark cool place. 

III) Light Sponge Cake . A different sort of cake from the two above. Containing only 2 eggs, 75 gms self-raising flour and 75gms sugar, it's a frothy mix of delicious nothingness, and will last only for a day or two; 'cos there's no additives nor preservatives. Frequently filled with fattening cream and jam. Weigh to go !.What to do?. Break each egg in a bowl, against badness and egg-shell, then pour it into a mixing-bowl. Whisk them until they're light and frothy: a half-hour by hand, 5-10 minutes with an electric egg-whisk. Mix in the sugar. The smaller its granules, the easier that they'll melt. Fold in the flour. Fold?. To add flour little-by-little so it doesn't clump. Turn on the oven to gm4 or 180℃, find a baking tin like the one soon to be shown in 15 c I) above. Grease its sides and bottom; even of a non-stick pan, to be sure. Add the cake-mix, lid the dish, and put it in the middle of the oven to bake for about 25 minutes. To use less heat, check the cookedness of the cake as in 15 c I) at about 20 minutes. If it's nearly cooked, u could off the heat, leave the dish in the oven and expect the cooking to finish in the held-in heat. But, to be surer, leave it for more like 30-35 minutes. If it's still not quite cooked, turn on its power again, and give the cake another 5 minutes heat. Leave for another 5-10 minutes, and again test for cookedness. It really should be cooked by now. Take it out of the no-longer very hot oven and rest the hot dish on a heat-safe surface to let it cool some more. If u've an easily-removed cake-tin, unbuckle it and lift it off. Slide a knife beneath the cake to separate it from the baking-dish's bottom, and put the cake on an open-grille to finish cooling. Then put it on a plate, and store it in a cake tin. How? an upside-down tin is is often easiest: cake on plate in lid of cake-tin, put body of tin on top. Cake sealed in. Keep the tin upside-down and u'll have easiest cake-cutting, since the lip of the tin's top catches cake-crumbs as they try to escape.     As said above, sponges are often filled with a layer or two of cream &/or jam: Cut the cake horizontally into three. Add jam to the bottom layer, lay cream on the middle layer and re-assemble. Or, have maramalade and lime jam; peanut butter and jelly. There's options.

c iv) Carrot-cake. This delightful item is easily prepared, cooked, and eaten. There's many different ways to make it.    Here's two: one has carrots only, but a few spices.   The other has two other veg in with, and a fruit; but no spices.

Version one. With carrots as the only fresh vitamin item. The fresh veg, even tho' cooked in sugar, means that the cake will rot unless fridged or chilled within a day.

Of What?: 250gms of grated carrots, 150gms plain flour, 150gm of sugar for u [white caster thru to dark brown muscovado, as u whim], 150ml of light vegetable oil, 100gms of crushed nuts: one or more of walnuts, (roasted) crushed peanuts, brazils, sunflower seeds;  2 beaten eggs [perhaps 1 duck's, 1 hen's], 1 tsp bicarbonate of soda, 1 tsp of baking powder, 1 tsp of cinnamon powder, 1 tsp vanilla essence.

Made how?:  Sieve the flour, sugar [assuming that it's not too granular], bicarb of soda, baking powder and cinnamon powder into a mixing bowl and stir them well. 

Grate in the carrots and break in the nuts and keep on stirring till it's all the same. Mebbe further tiny the carrots and nuts with scissors, as u go. 

Measure the cooking oil in a measuring jar and add the eggs and vanilla essence.

Beat them into one. Stir this into the solid items.

Turn on the oven to Gm4, 180°C and grease the sides and bottom of a big-enough baking dish which is liddable. Add the cake-mix to the baking-dish. If the dish has a removable bottom, it might leak, so it could be a good idea to rest the baking-dish on an enamelled or plain iron tray; to catch drips.

  Lid it and put in the middle of the oven for the better part of an hour. If it's an oven with its heat source on one side only and no fan, turn the baking item every 10 or so  minutes to max the heat impact: 180º, then 45º, then 180º. Check for cookedness with a sounding pin after half an hour, and again @ 45 minutes. Some cookbooks favor less baking-time than I do.  When the pin comes out clean, off the heat and leave the cake in for a good five minutes, as u clear a place for it and wash up the utensils, if not yet done. Take out the cake, doff its lid, smell its lovely smell, and leave to cool on a rack.          Eat some when it's safe to do so.

 

Carrot cake, Version two. With a few fresh fruit and veg in, this carrot cake has a very front-of-tongue taste, but, because of it, can't last more than a day [or two in cold weather] unless fridged. Even with all of that sugar in.     Of What?:  500gms grated carrots, 400gms plain flour, 250gms sugar for u, 150ml of light veg oil, 30gms pulverized walnuts, 20gms sunflower seeds, 3 beaten eggs [2no hen's, 1no duck's; as u like], 2 tsp baking powder, 1 tsp bicarbonate of soda, 1 tsp table salt, 1 ripe banana, 100gms tinied tinned pineapple chunks, a handful of sultanas/mdf.   Made how?: Grate the carrots into a large bowl. Add the sugar and mix together. The sugar will leach carrot juice and be dissolved by it; easily, if u stir it a lot.  Break in the walnuts, add the sunflower seeds, sieve in the flour, baking powder, salt, and bicarb of soda. Mix them together. Add the sultanas. Carry on stirring.  For ease, in a separate bowl, tiny the pineapple chunks.  Scissoring is easy, as is squelching each between kgloved fingers; then add them to the big bowl's mix. Pour the veg oil into a measuring flask, add the shell-less eggs and stir into one. Add this to the bowl of cake-mix and keep on stirring, with tinying scissors if u like, until all is one.

 Turn on the oven to Gm2/160°C and butter the bottom and sides of the cake-baking tin. This should be a good 20cms across and 10cms deep, liddable. Sit the tin on a heat-strong plate. Pour in the cake-mix, lid it and settle it in the middle of the oven.

Leave it untouched if its heat is fan-spread, but if the heat comes from only one side, after 20 minutes, turn the item 180°; leave for another 20 mins, turn it 90°; leave another 20 minutes, and turn 180°; after another 20 minutes turn it 45° to the side that's had least heat; it should be cooked-enough to not need more turning, but do it if u like for a good 2 hours. Check the cake with a sounding pin for cookedness. Off the heat when it comes out clean and let the cake sit in the remaining heat for as long as u care to. Take it out and put somewhere heat-safe if it's hot.  When safe, lift the lid and smell its delicious aroma. Push up the tin's bottom and rest it on a plate with the cake resting on top. Either let the cake stay on the cake-tin bottom or slide a knife between the two to separate them and shuffle the cake-tin bottom out of the way; perhaps restraining the cake with a kgloved hand. Wash the cake-tin surround, and bottom if u're going to. Cut the cake and eat as u whim.

 

15 d) Bread. Baking:                                                                                               I) Unleavened . The most basic bread. Stir water into flour until the mix stays the shape u left it in; this can take a while, to remove all of its flour-lumps and to have it smooth. Take a handy piece of it, flatten it with yr [kgloved] hand till it's as thin as a pitta bread, drop it onto a Hot surface and it'll bake in a very few minutes; maybe less than a minute.  Hot surface? Think a fry-pan on an electric hot plate @ 225℃ or in an oven @ Gm 7, or in an mwave on a glass pan-lid for minute or two on High. Or, in emergencies on a hot rock, on the Cleaned! hot hood/roof of a motor vehicle, afv, the top of a water-tank. Be sure that it doesn't burn, by moving it a small amount, often. Flip the flatbread to do its other side. That's the basic. Extras? A pinch of salt, pepper, a little butter or cooking oil in the mix, spicy powder like paprika/chili, tinied spam, a mixed-in whisked egg. But not much in the way of extras, or it'll fall apart. If u Fry the flatbread, it's another way to do it.  Mebbe finish by frying, 'cos the sun's gone in.

15 d II) Beer bread . A bit of a minority interest, u might think; but it seemed like fun.   Made of?: 750 gms of self-raising flour, 45 gms sugar for u, 350 mls beer/ wine/fruit juice. There is no butter nor other fat here, for that would drop its alcohol content; unless u're on the fruit juice instead, when u could add 20gms of butter or cooking oil. How?In a large bowl combine the flour and sugar by stirring it in gloved fingers, with a wooden spoon. Like, wholemeal high-protein s-r flour, with darkest muscovado sugar. Add heavy dark beer, and keep on stirring. [Or, go for lager/white wine and white flour and white sugar; y'know]. When it's as smooth as smooth, leave it covered against insect-attention for half an hour for it to fully settle into itself. The rising agent will start into action and should double the size of the dough. Do not be alarmed ! This is what it does. In bread-speak it's "proving". [perhaps proving that the yeast works]. It'll double in size again in the oven. Have a deep baking tin which you can lid; grease with butter or similar its bottom and sides; or line it with grease-proof paper which also must be greased on its inside.  **Deep tins keep the loaf''s shape neat., 'cos they don't bloom out of its top***.                      Add the mix to almost halfway, lid the tin and leave it for another half-hour. Then put it into the middle of a pre-heated oven [it could have been cooking a meal!] @ nearly Gm 4 [176] for 50-ish minutes; turn off the heat and leave it in for another 10 minutes. Take it out carefully for it will still be very hot, put it down somewhere heat-safe, and lift the tin's lid and smell the lovely aroma of the bread. Then tap the tin's bottom; if it sounds hollow, the loaf is cooked; else, not enough, and its bottom will be doughy. Put it back to bake it some more. When its bottom sounds hollow, run a knife around the sides, remove the loaf [ if it's a metal baking-bowl, run it as per 62 f) below] and put it on a sturdy tray, plate, board, or rack, to finish cooling; and look if there's anything to eat in the tin before u wash it up. Put the cool bread in a bread bin on a ktowel to absorb its fat.  Wipe off and eat the remains in the mixing-bowl. Wash the mixing-bowl.  Or, before that, cut a slice, lift it out of the tin on a knife or two, and Eat !; with a fork or spoon, to keep clean cool fingers, for the bread might still be hot; and it will be sticky to touch and to eat.           Extras? are one or some of sultanas/mdf; chocolate sparkles; sunflower seeds; nuts; (pitted) olives; dill; sliced garlic; glacé cherries; tinied (smoked) bacon/ham, a rasher or two of.

15 d III) an Ordinary loaf. Made of: 500ml self-raising flour [so no need for yeast] of yr sort, 325ml milk/water, 15 ml cooking oil, 5 ml sugar for u [if u like]. U're doing this @ home to eat quite soon, so there's No preservatives. Put into a mixing-bowl the flour, pour in the oil, and stir it in. Add the sugar, and stir it in. Add the water, bit by bit, stirring away; it's called kneading, and takes a while to get it all completely smooth. If u're doing it by hand, wear kgloves. When that's done, leave it to rise for about an hour. This is necessary. Roll it some more to lose all the air-pockets that should've developed. Have a deep baking dish. Smear it with butter. Line its sides and bottom with grease-proof paper. Butter this, too.  Add the flour. If u don't want it crusty, lid it but have a Really deep pan. Pre-heat the oven to Gm 7= 220° C.   Put into its middle the bread in its baking-dish. Leave it to bake for about 35 minutes. To check it's cookedness, either tap its top which should sound hollow, or prod it with a long pin/piece of clean copper wire which should come out clean. When it's cooked, off the oven's heat, take out the hot dish and put it on a heat-safe surface. Let it cool a bit before lifting its lid if there is one, and sliding a knife between the dish and the bread, if the bread-crust doesn't stop u.     Fancy bread: add one or more of sunflower seeds, mdf, pitted olives, tinied spam/ bacon. Not too much, or it'll physically overwhelm the bread, which'll fall apart.

Chapter 16 Marmalade & Jam.

16 a) Marmalade.                                                                                                           I) Eating marmalade. This delicious excuse to eat fruit-flavored sugar mixes well with many foods :-))). Traditionally, it’s eaten on buttered toast. The toast should be broken beforehand to prevent it from cracking up in yr hand as bits fly everywhere and decorate yr clothing or hurt yr gums and u drop the marmalade. So, have in one hand a toast-bit; held on the plate. Knife onto that toast a little butter and a little or more of the marmalade. The butter acts as a sealant on the bread. Eat. Or, use no butter, for the marmalade to dissolve the toast. Goose fat fits here, over butter. Inside a warmed pitta-bread is even nicer and lots easier. Or, Have a marmalade toast sandwich by toasting both sides of two slices of bread. Put butter and marmalade on the inside of one side and on the inside of the other piece put something sharp and different like mustard or Marmite with lettuce or Spanish onions in between. Put together the two, and let all settle by pressing down firmly yet gently on the plate. Then, cut the sandwich diagonally both ways and eat!. Or, u can eat marmalade and jam straight from the jar with a spoon, with bread in yr other hand; Only if u’reSure that the jar will not be shared, or u Don't eat from the serving spoon: to not spread spit-carried diseases .

Add marmalade to porridge, stirred in at the end as a coolant food; instead of the sugar. Marmalade is interesting with smoked mackeral, and kippers;. As the garnish, giving u the sweet and sour together. It’s a sweet chutney, sort of.

16 a II) Making marmalade. Ingredients in metric: citrus fruit, 1kilo ; sugar, of yr sort(s), 1 1/2kgs; water 1/2 liter; a fairly ordinary extra is cloves, a few little buds of, lightly crushed; and sliced root ginger. Traditionally, Seville oranges are the thing, because they’re bitter if eaten raw....try it!. Mix with or use grapefruit, lemons, more ordinary oranges. All are nice. It takes a while on a hob, unless we use a Pressure cooker! as in 30mins+ on a hob boil, but only 10 minutes on High in the pressure cooker. Pressure-cooking on a hob lets u make an easy 2.5 kilos of marmalade. It’s worth having a pressure cooker for the marmalade alone. And it’s worth spending that much time watching that it doesn’t explode on u. They don’ Wanna explode ! Ease their heat so that it’s just above Medium. It’ll take a little longer, but be safer. How to do it? Wash the oranges while two finger-widths of water come to the boil in the pressure cooker, with its lid on, but the p-valve isn’t on its hole which will shoot out water vapor. Put in the fruit, add the rest of the water to cover the fruit, refit the lid, put on its valve, bring to Medium-High, curb the heat and keep an eye on all for about 10 minutes. Off the heat and let it coool in its own time. If everything went ok, we now chop up the citrus fruit rind into easy-eat sizes, wearing kgloves against the heat and stickiness. Keep the pips, by putting them in a small square of best cotton [a bunched rag tied with string in a semi-bow], to tie up and boil in the mix for 5 minutes; ‘cos the pips have setting agent in them. This is the next thing to do. Take out the pips and Only then add the fruit, all neatly tinied. Start to stir and continue stirring as the mix simmers away and very easily boils over at setting point. What with the pan being by now nearly full, we’ve gotta keep On our toes OK! for at least half an hour. How to tell, in case we missed the setting point or we’re impatient and want to Know, if it’s Ready Yet?!!! Put a cold spoon into the mixture to remove some, and let the mix-in-the-spoon cool. If a film forms on it, it’s ready for putting in jars. Cooking’s over, heat Off. If u left it to go cold because there wasn’t time, and if that spoon stands up in the cold mix, we’re Sorted. Else, it’s back to the heat and stirring.                                                                                                                                                                       Mwaving  Remove any rosettes as u wash the fruit, then Mwave it on High for 5-ish minutes without much water; not even half way up, a thumbwidth or two. If it's soft to the prod, it's cooked. Else, do it for longer.  Tiny it as above. Do the pips-boil only 1 minute on High, then cool it to add the fruit, and add only an equal amount of sugar. On High for 20-ish minutes, and u should be ok. Add setting agent if it refuses to set.

16 b) Jam. Boil-times of less than an hour are ordinary with fruit. Different fruits go together: apples & blackberries, plum & ginger & apple; just about anything with apple, or on its own when u can spice it with cinnamon, cloves, tarragon; preserve it with brown sugar, and fun it with mdf and lemon rind. Sliced root ginger is another nice extra.  Hob-heat  jam-making. How to? Amounts: equal weights of fruit and sugar: Half a kilo of each will make about four or five jars of. A scoop of butter, enough water to cover the fruit. Often with a squeeze of lemon and/or its rind. What to do: Let a little water come to the boil in a deep pan as u clean and tiny the fruit and put it in. Adding more water as needed. Stir it as it simmers away, lidded. Add extras such as mdf, spices, lemon(juice). When the fruit is simmered to a puree, add pectin powder, or other (homeopathic) setting agent in the amounts that it specifies. Carry on simmering. How to tell if thesetting-compound's set the jam?. Put a dab of it on an ice-cold plate. When/If it sets, prod it lightly with a finger-end. If the dab wrinkles, it's set. Off the heat, add the jam to jars, securely put a lid on each jam-jar and store all in the cool and dry, where the heat that's left will continue to set the item.     Mwaving:  Only small amounts, 'cos the mwave is small, but it works! . On High for 5-ish minutes to puree the fruit(s).  Add equal weight of sugar u like, and the setting-agent like it says. On High for 20-ish minutes. How to tell if  the setting-compound's set the jam?. Put a blob of it on an ice-cold plate. When/If this blob sets, prod it lightly with a finger-end. If its skin wrinkles, it's set. Off the heat, let it cool a little for yr ease, put the jam in its jars, securely screw a lid onto each jam-jar and store all in the cool, dark and dry, where their warmth will continue to set the item; nicely.

Chapter 17 Alcohol

   As a responsible adult it's my duty to remind the young that if they're too young to drink where they are, they should be reading this chapter for information rather than personal use. In the UK the minimum drinking age is 18, in the USA 21, in Saudi Arabia alcohol is illegal. In Italy there might be a minimum age, which could be 16 if u're with an adult, but they have a relaxed approach. It's definitely 16 in Belgium and Germany.       In Holland, 18 for spirits, 16 for the rest.                                                       To check me out, and to learn more, there's the website named here....                     http://www2.potsdam.edu/hansondj/LegalDrinkingAge.html

 17 a)  Antidote: milk, yogurt, cheese. Think smoothie lite; in Chapter 1. Suck an aniseed ball to lose its smell on yr breath. Except, yr breath'll smell of aniseed, so they'll Know.

17 b) What sort of alcohol to buy? the cheapest with a drinkable taste. Per unit of money, check Alcohol By Volume [ABV, or abv] on the label. The bigger the abv, the better for the same price.                            And, How much are u buying? The more alcoholic drink at the same cost and abv, the better ;-))) !.

 How much alcohol in what drink? and How many calories? . Ginger beer has the least alcohol in it: most has none; often a lot less than 2% abv; Crabbie's is @ 4%.  It is Not to be confused with ginger wine which typically is around 17.5% ABV; don't know the calories but, since it's sweet, they can't be few.  Beer has next least: usually < 10% abv, or even less than 5%. It's made of barley and hops and sugar and local extras, fermented with yeast. It has the most calories. Barley wine [abv 4-12%] has strength. Bitter is or was a favorite in England, generally < 4% abv; <200 cals per 568mls/pint.  There's yr lager, which tends to abv 3.8-5.5% (Red Stripe Jamaican lager is 4.7%); and specialist ones are often of a higher abv. 150+ cals.  Mild beers have even less alcohol in them than bitter, dating from when tap-water wasn't drinkable; so it was drunk instead of water. 130-140 cals.  Porter seems to start at 5% abv and rise to the mid-teens; mostly craft-brewed so expensive. Stout, from 4% abv  to the low teens; 170-210 cals.   Cider comes next, up to 10% abv; 190-240 cals, from dry to sweet.

Wine has the next least amount of alcohol, and fewer calories per abv and per size, than beer: 10-20% abv and 480-530 cals per 70cl bottle, depending on its sweetness. That's 120+ cals per glass. 

Fortified wines 20-35%; they're wines but with spirits added for alcoholic strength; and herbs for flavor. There's sherry, dry medium and sweet: about 17+% abv and 29-38 cals.  Madeira, marsala are not only for cooking with but for drinking, too; very nice.  Often cheaper than sherry.    Port with its different colors and sweetnesses. All three, 80-ish cals for a 50gm shot. Vermouth is either dry (French), or sweet (Italian); 15-22% abv & about 27-30 cals. Folk often drink larger measures of fortifed wines, 70+mls, so there's more calories, too.                        Baileys, abv 17%, a popular drink of 44% whiskey with antidote of cream, has 144 cals per 1.5 oz serving. 

Spirits 35% upwards, calories per 25ml shot: u have to enjoy the taste of alcohol to drink spirits above 70% abv, because u notice it at that strength and above. Or u dilute it; so what's the point?. And u really have to like the spirit’s taste over its alcohol to drink it as dilute as 35%; a good idea. Spirits are made by distilling wine or beer. And adding tasty extras, often; such as juniper berries to make gin [abv 35-60%].      Absinthe [abv 53-75%]. Diy absinthe to dilute has a 95% abv. It's a killer spirit; banned in some places for its lethality.     Amaretto is an almondy sugary spirit of only 28% abv, yet 388cals.     Angosturas bitters' abv 44+%, 40 cals.   Baijiu is a fairly generic term for Chinese sprits, typically of abvs from 40-60%. Some rough, some smooth; that's the way of it.    Brandy,  abv 37.5-95%; Most brandy is 40-50% abv; about 56 cals.    Everclear is a neutral pure grain spirit, made by Luxco of Missouri [in 2010 ce]; 75.5% and 95% abv; 170-190 cals, according to the web.  Banned in 10 states of the USA @ the higher strength, it's weaker version is mostly legal all over. Its webbed taste is almost not there, like vodka; But, as u swallow it, its alcohol rasps yr throat like a cheap Scotch; and will bully yr stomach into ulcers. Highly flammable; so, blow over a lit candle and yr breath will catch fire...which might lay it onto someone's clothing or curtains. So, watch yrself, even burping when holding a lit ciggie. This is a dangerous drink.          Galliano is an Italian spirit, 42% +, yellow, fruitily-flavored, to up the cals 80+ .   Rum is 35-58% abv, mostly; colored black/spiced/white. About 60 cals.Wood's Old Navy Rum @ 57% is not bad at all; Pusser's Rum @ 54.5% is not bad. Both have a round full deep taste. They're OK.      Schnapps abv 15%-50.5%; that's a range. Ice101® peppermint schnapps is web-found @ 50.5%. Mostly its abv< 40%.  Schnapps in the  USA has added sugar, the web says. Schnapps has many varieties of taste from many fruits. 68-ish+ cals.     Tequila [abv 38-46%] is another one that gets banned; ~~can't think why~~. The original is hallucinogenic as well as intoxicating, but this secondary effect is removed by some modern makers of the drink; so it's getting less banned. About 54 cals.  Tia Maria claims to be a liqueur but is only 20-26% abv; coffee-based, from Jamaica. Not cheap. 75 cals.     Whisk(e)y's abv 35-55%.  American whiskies are either Bourbons or ryes, tend to be smoky-tasting and rougher rather than smoother; unless u're paying.  Canadian whisky such as Canadian Club is as smooth as Irish; very OK.  Irish whiskey tends to smoothness, yet isn't so pricey.  Of the well-known brands, Jameson's is cheaper than Power's or Paddy's; and all are not too heavily-flowery to taste; as Bushmills' sadly is, to some tastes. As good as Jameson's and cheaper is the Co-operative own-brand by Delaney's; which is also 40% abv. Cheaper than the Co-op's and still @ 40% abv is Morrison's own-brand; worth buying to drink, since it's quite as smooth as Jameson's and Delaney's; and cheaper than both, even when Jameson's is on special offer (correct in 2010 ce, August). About 60 cals. Japanese whisky such as Yamazuki Single Malt, 10 years old and 40% abv is Very smooth, but as herby as Bushmill's.  Cheap Scotch whisky tends to not be smooth; more, rough. But their malts are Ok, though pricier: Jura 10-years-old, Glenfiddich and that. Bell's is cheap and nice.  There's also a Welsh whisky called Penderyn; 40% abv.  Not cheap per bottle, but as smooth and flavorful as Irish :-))) .

17 c)   Some cocktails.....Cocktails are often not merely cold but are often icy-cold in recipes: ice is added all over, 'cos they're invented for hot weather conditions. Which might be silly, 'cos u lose its taste and it'll hurt yr tooth-nerves thru any metal fillings which are in yr teeth; unless u leave the ice to melt so u drink a weaker drink.                     An Alabama Slammer/Slamma has equal shots of amaretto [a liqueur @ 28-30%  abv], sloe gin [@ 26% abv] Southern Comfort [most @ 35% abv; up to 50%], and vodka [abv 35-70%], (& some orange juice and ice). It's a "Highball" cocktail; seems ok.  An Ass Whipper is 4 shots of absinthe + 2 shots of gin + 1 shot of (peach) schnapps + 1 shot of vodka. It was taken off the web, so could be an invention. There's so much alcohol in this that it'll probably kill u if u drink it in even two or three, or at least it might knock u out. Let alone trying it in one. Write yr Will before u try one; I'm not joking [it's a useful item to have sorted, anyway; especially if u're a drinker].                        A Black Russian is a vodka double & a single of coffee liqueur[25-35% abv]. These are drinks, aren't they?. [White Russian has cream in, to kill the alcohol. For teetotallers; like some Irish coffee, when it has cream in it.]  A Bloody Mary is vodka and tomato juice, and a couple of shots of hot sauce if u like; some red wine too, for a pose-on.                 A Cosmopolitan is 3 fingerwidths of lime juice, one and a half of cranberry juice, the same of Cointreau, and four of lemon vodka; very refreshing; and also very alcoholic so could render u horizontal if u drink it in one, or even just speedily. A Harvey Wallbanger is a few shots of vodka with a few more shots of Galliano, a taste of orange juice and a little cool from ice-cubes.      Ginger wine and brandy is well drunk...with the extras of angosturas bitters and a twist of lemon peel it's a "horse's neck". The web says that the bitters are optional, and I can't see the point of the lemon. I mean "Go suck a lemon" is for winners with a smirk, ok?. Some folk use bourbon and still call it a "horse's neck", Too much choice for a single name; d'u not reckon?.Tastes ok, every which way.   A Long Island (or Iced Tea) is half a shot of each of heavily-flavored Cointreau, of vodka, of rum, and dry gin; all, poured over ice and tasted up with a shot of lime juice, as it fattens you with half a shot of cane sugar syrup.  So I've invented the Long Island Sound, which is a shot of each of brandy u like, vodka for u, spicy dark rum, gin. Sniff a twisted lemon rind, and do the squats in front of the cane sugar. Stir, (share with a friend), drink; enjoy. Smile .  A Mai Tai is four rums, Cointreau, pineapple juice and lime juice, some amaretto. Not quite as lethal as an Ass Whipper, but be prepared before u drink one.  A Manhattan is a double or more of rye whiskey [<=80% abv], a single of sweet vermouth, about the same or less of angosturas bitters, and a cherry on a cocktail stick if u feel like it.  A Margarita is a fancy cocktail. The fancy stuff first...lay on the rim of the glass some lime juice to stick on some salt {Truly!}. Then, add a fingerwidth of lime juice, and some ice if u like. Now, the alcohol. A margarita is a vehicle for tequila: First, the low-alcohol version: add a fingerwidth of triple sec @ 30% abv to the lime juice; and a fingerwidth of tequila. Stir, drink.   Now, the worth-drinking version: leave out the silliness with the glass's rim, and the ice. Pour in a little finger's width or less of lime juice, if u feel like it. Add a middle finger width of Cointreau @ 40% abv, followed by a thumbwidth or two of tequila, @ up to 50% abv. Swirl it around in its glass, sniff its aroma and drink it; OK .   Mixed with gin, vermouth makes a Martini; ok !, ratioed about 2 or 3:1, poured over lumps of ice; with a thimble of lemonade and maybe a stuffed anchovy on a cocktail stick, a half of a lemon- or lime-slice rubbed around and perched on the glass's rim, with a little squeezed in; and a shot of lime-juice if u like, There's a little umbella on it as a shade; and it's drunk from a straw. Isn't that wonderful?. There's vodka martinis if u don't care for gin. A mojito is rum, white or spiced, with a little lime juice cordial, some ice-cubes, soda water, 1 or 2 teaspoons of sugar of yr sort, mint leaves to decorate it or twisted and added. I mean, it keeps barmen employed: sugar is fattening, soda water gets u to burp, ice-cubes costto make, lime-juice is non-alcoholic, mint leaves get in the way. So, drink the rum, chew a mint leaf, have a glass of water to press on yr forehead to cool yr body, then drink it if u like. A piña colada is rum with coconut cream [which hits on the alcohol] and pineapple juice; a Staten Island Ferry omits the coconut cream, so it's rum and fruit juice. A Sidecar is Courvoisier & Cointreau, with lime juice against its sweetness, and sugar syrup for yr waistline.  A Singapore Sling is Plymouth gin, cherry liqueur; lime juice, sugar syrup, soda water. A Snowball is equal parts advocaat, lemonade, & lime juice. Stir, sniff, drink. Tequila Sunrise is a double of tequila, a single of grenadine [non-alcoholic], orange juice for the Sunrise bit, ice if u need to chill.     Ginger wine goes well with Irish whiskey, [like sherry and Scotch].   Since a whisky mack is ginger wine and Scotch whisky, a whiskey mick could be ginger wine with Irish whiskey.  With fruit juice, a whiskey mick becomes a Sunbeam; with coffee, it's a Comfort.  U can dilute spirits, like vodka and orange juice; if u like; called a Screwdriver . Websites like http://cocktails.about.com/od/cocktailrecipes/u/popular_cocktails.htm  have these; and more, with names too rude to mention on a website such as this. So does http://www.cocktailmaking.co.uk/cocktaillist.php . I also got help on the cocktails from the "Electrik" bar, in Chorlton-cum-Hardy, Manchester 21, UK; thanx.

Guinness & a shot of blackcurrant cordial, to ensweeten the item yet further. Lager and a shot of lime cordial does it, too; called a 'lager and lime'.  And there's mixing yr beers:  mild and bitter are often mixed. A Black & Tan is Guinness and bitter, a half-pint of each. Black Velvet: Guinness and either cider or champagne, half a pint of each. Takes ages to pour, takes seconds to drink; outasight.

Putting spirits into beer or wine seldom works, tastewise; unless as a part of a mulling or punch, as below.

 

Mulled wine; punch. Seem to be about the same as cocktails: alcoholic or non-alcoholic. Most mullings and punches are hot.....Mulled wine is alcoholic. Recipe-ish time: to the (sun-) warmed dark red wine, add crushed cloves, cinnamon powder, some fortified wine such as madeira, marsala, sherry, ginger wine; richly flavorful spiritous liquor like brandy, gin, rum, tequila, whisky, or whiskey. Dollop in a spoonful of (brown) sugar/honey. Stir it a little to spread the flavors. If its lid is on, sniffing its aroma will be amazing as u part-lift it. Dole out the fragrant liquid in not-very-big mugs or glasses and watch its immediate effect! ;-)))~~~.  Fruit juices and fruits get in the way of the alcohol; have them if u like them. 

17 d) Drinking alcohol. To not get drunk so fast, line yr stomach with milk before u set out/eat milk puddings at the dinner. And, @ a cheese-and-wine party, eat some of the cheese as the cure for the alcohol in the wine. Cottage cheese is pre-shredded for fastest response-time, so go for it!. Warm the alcoholic drink if u like, chill it if u like, sniff its aromas, add honey or spices, but get it in yr mouth and swallow it. If it's too frothy, then swirl it in the glass to lose the gas; or, if u must, swirl it in yr closed mouth and breath out the gas thru yr nose before u then try to swallow it without having hiccups. Else, u'll burp and farrrtt; baaad-ly, perhaps.   Welsh rabbit made with milk is a good meal before a night out:- totally in there with antidote. To not get so fat, drink wine or spirits more than beer.

**Alcoholic drink’s effects upon drinkers are often far more visible to everybody else than they are to the drinkers. Drinkers tend to doubt others’ views of the largeness of their drunkenness; and they tend to doubt it with vigor. That’s how alcohol is, quite a lot heavier than it usually seems to be to the drinker *** . 

17 e) Cooking with alcoholic drinks. Many ways: Add a dash of spirits or fortified wine traditionally to anything at the winter feastings {fruit salad, salad, stuffing, pudding, pies, mince pies, yrself} . Cook with wine by simmering. The alcohol will go. So maybe it’d be cool for teetotallers?. Maybe not, if not all of it goes. Oh. Simmer meat in beer as u like: Sun-cooked liver in stout/lager/cider with peppercorns and onions, or lager with lamb and mint leaves. Really nice.  Cheese and wine or beer cook well together: the cheese removes the alcohol, leaving the flavr of the drink mixed in with that of the cheese. This is nice, usually. Alcohol cooks veggies too, such as mushrooms: Tiny them into a glass with wine, crushed juniper berries, garlic, and other stuff u like, like lentils/mincemeat and u’ve got mushroom soup/broth, once it’s cooked in the sun/mwaved; or a bit of both. Drunk separately, White wine or lager with fish, ’cos both are light in flavor and folk often like to easily taste both. Red wine or stout or brown ale with meat, ’cos all are heavy; if that’s what u like together. Maybe sometimes u’d like a change; or That’s all that there is in the house and I’m not going out [I say to myself]; but alcohol is Needed.

Recipe time: Onions steamed in lager: the lager cooks the onion into a delightful sweetness. Horseradish sauce or its sliced root is a popular extra. Done with rolled barley, and u have yr stodge. Mwaved or hobbed. Hobbed for 10 mins simmer; Mwave Medium, the same. In a lidded bowl. Carrots will get soggy as they’re stewed, and provide color and taste; and they Do get cooked by alcohol. Tinned beans for veggie-protein, in at the end as a coolant. Chicken breast for animal protein: in with the onions. Plaice fillets, in after the onions; @ 5 minutes. Processed/ tinned/packeted prawns in after cooking, as a coolant. All go well with alcohol.

17 f)  Alcoholic drinks, To keep: in the cool and dry; ok. In the  fridge for coolest drinking; Popular, Go for it :-))). In the freezer, Baaad, 'cos all water-based drinks will likely freeze and, since the (alcoholic) drink’s water is bigger frozen than it was when it was water, its glass or placcy bottle or aluminum can will likely break/burst open from the pressure of it; yet still be stuck to the frozen liquid, if u’re lucky. U only take this  embarrassment out of the freezer After u’ve arranged for it to be put into a vessel, to melt into and to be drunk/poured out of. U could open an ally can’s ringpull and put it in its drinking glass upside down. Same with the placcy bottle’s stopper, if it’s that small a bottle. But I’m thinking 2 and 4 liter cider and beer placcy bottles. Wipe each clean in case it’s picked something up. And Then put it in a jug, upside down; with the cap off, if u can.   A glass bottle’s 70-75ish ml....Off the stopper if u safely can, and put the bottle    in a jug upside down. After meltdown is complete, Carefully lift the glass bits that u can, draining them of liquid as u do so, and put them somewhere safe to wash and recycle. Use a gloved hand gingerly, or a fork with more ease. Pour out the liquid thru a ktowelled tea-strainer, and into a drinking mug/another jug. And don’t do it again. U’ll probably recycle the bottle's paper label, too. It’s the same with all water-based liquids....Don’t freeze them !! !! ! except in a bowl with a bit of an angle up its sides, to let the water expand as it cools.                Bottles with corks. A bit of a pain. Bottles with corks are lain on their side so that the cork keeps being wet from the liquid within; to keep it bulky-enough to stopper the bottle. Another reason to not bother with corks, 'cos u have to do it not only to spirits-bottles that u don't finish in the one night, but also u have to lay on their sides bottles of fortified wines such as sherry, port, cinzano, and madeira that have corks and not screw-tops. And, dare I mention them? [yup], any wines with a cork that u didn't finish.....Shove the cork back in and lay it on its side, poor darling, in the cool and dark.   Gargle with it to clear yr throat before work the following day; and follow it with a smoothie lite. ~~~U might suffer a little from Wind~~~.  

17 g) Instant Irish coffee: Put instant coffee in a drinking vessel, add the Irish whiskey, add hot tap water, stir, sniff, smile; and drink. This tastes delicious.  And, it'll be an excellent seller in bars, and popular with the staff, 'cos it's easier to make than "real" coffee, but it tastes as good. !!! Instant Irish coffee is a cool item . U can do it, too, with brandy/gin/ spicey liqueurs.

17 h) Hangover cures, to an extent. Drink less alcohol. Or, the morning after    17 h I) Tomato juice with two eggs and maybe a shot of hot sauce. Get the eggs out of their shells and into a mug or glass. Follow on with the tomato juice and the shots of sauce. Mixed or not before drinking. Do a few squats.                                                                   17 h II) a Smoothie lite. U know it. Have two or three. + Touch yr nose with a finger-end, eyes shut; every digit (As u do 10 squats)  .                                                                 17 h III) Or, just do some housework and have a nice cup of tea.                                     17 h IV) Cucumber as is, eaten from the item. Or, sliced into a bowl with lots of vinegar against the acid of a morning-after tummy. When that's dealt with, add some veggie oil to complete a delightful dressing !. Or, add mayo which is a bit tangy 'cos of the vinegar u added before; and after further eating to settle yr stomach, add the salad-oil.                                                                                                                                                              17 h V) Full country of choice/English breakfast. Some or all of the following fried foods: bacon, baked beans, black/white pudding, bread, soda bread, eggs, french fries, kidneys, kippers, liver, mushrooms, sausages, mashed spuds. tomatoes, left-over veg. The cooking fat deals with any alcohol still in yr system, and everything else gives u the protein, stodge and vitamins u need for a day's hard work. Excellent. Some versions have oatcakes, pancakes, grits on the side as extra stodge. Also excellent. Liquids to drink to go with: one or more of fruit juice, coffee, tea. Truly excellent.           17 h VI) A Cold boiled egg. Still in its shell. Terrifying. U know that inside its shell is a very slippery round glistening white item, with a sharp feel to it when u bite in. Inside that is the light-yellow sphere of yolk, discolored into gray where it meets the white; and of an almost crumbly nature. U must break open and remove the egg's shell, without leaving any fragments in the white of the egg; and without it escaping: crack the shell, lift a piece with a fork-tine or tweezers, carry on. Then, u must succeed in holding the egg firmly-enough to be able to eat it. U could try to pierce it with a fork's tines, before tine-cutting it into coin-shaped slices for easy spoon-lifting. Or, u could slice off a larger piece and put that in yr mouth to chew and swallow. Or, forkless, u hold its ends between kgloved fingers and thumb, and press down on its highest bulge with a sharp knife, which u rock into the white and yolk, splitting the egg into two easy pieces. Or, u could pop it into yr mouth in one, and either swallow it straight down or mash it in-mouth with tongue and teeth before u swallow it in bits. Only to be done alone, or u'll be asked about the party. Quite an operation all in all. Or, tap it on its little end, peel off the top of the shell and dip the egg's end into salt or mayo, if u like; or sprinkle/spread onto. Bite in, chew, swallow.  Then carry on down. 

Chapter 18. Spices, relishes, chutneys and sweeteners.                          a) Spices and herbs.  Allspice is the name of a West Indian tree's spicy fruit; eaten either whole or ground up with fruit, meat, cottage cheese. It isn't lots of spices mixed together.  So it's often called pimento. Angelica, grows wild and is cultivated. Up to 3 meters tall, green, with a spray of green flowers from a stem end. The roots of many of its varieties are poisonous raw. Yet, if dried thoroughly and then rewettened, they're entirely edible, as is the rest of the plant. Its seeds and roots being the strongest-flavored: liquorish-like, like juniper.  Often used to flavor vermouth, chartreuse, gin, Benedictine brandy instead of.as well as juniper. Also used as a flavor for sparkling and soft drinks. **  Its bad-vibe is that, according to botanical.com, drinking it when pregnant can cause abortion. Plus, it's quite sweetly sugary, so heavies diabetics***. Apart from that, it cures bottom-wind, is a laxative, sorts stomach cancer; eases cramps in all muscles, especially the stomach and uterus; and so cures insomnia. It destroys indigestion, eases circulation, and improves yr blood. A dilute tincture of it, lightly dropped once or twice onto an inflamed eye, will heal the badness. It helps the liver combat bacteria, fungi and virusses; including bronchitis and colds. That's what the web says. If even half of the above are true, it's little wonder that it called "Angel"-ica. How to get its goodness inside u?. Dried root, wetten in a fish/meat/lentil stew, in a boiled tea, in porridge; tiny further and eat ! . Fresh stem, stalk, flower: tiny into salad to eat raw...only the tenderest parts, such as leaf-ends, flowers; tiny into stews, as per the root; same with tea-making. Plus, u can chew it raw for totally green/cheap/idle/instant eating. Or, have candied stem, frequently found as decoration on cakes. Or, drink vermouth, gin, chartreuse, Benedictine brandy after u've checked that their flavor is of angelica; and it often is. This last is not really recommended since the alcohol involved will get u drunk; which might be nice, but impairs consciousness.                  Aniseed: Sucked aniseed balls take away the taste of alcohol from yr mouth. Tastes ok. Helps the digestion and thus yr sleep; so they invented aniseed-flavored spirits such as anise, to drink at the end of supper; to help yr digestion of fats.   Basil, a mint. Best fresh. Very fragrant; the main herb in pesto, which also has pine nuts, Parmesan cheese, olive oil and garlic; started in Italy.  Basil's ok.     Bay leaf: It looks like a small laurel leaf [ but laurel Alas!, is poisonous]. Chewed raw; Or, made into tea when u also might chew its leaf. In a stew, sucked clean and maybe chewed. A light-tasting herb, lifts barley. Or u just go with its smell and taste in the stew; don't chew it at all.   Camomile:  It's a type of daisy. The flower is the power part. Very nice taste and smell.  It Soothes all the body cramps, including the menstrual ones, if stewed, brewed in tea, or eaten raw; easy, nice.  Capers, like small green pitted olives. OK.       Caraway seeds, they  help to clear a stuffy nose, as well as tasting nice. In bread in its dilutest form; at strongest, u can chew it for the nose-clearing.  Often, 10 or so in a lidded stew is quite sufficient and nice; uncrushed. Caraway cheese also ok.    Cardamom. Best kept in its pod to hold in its goodness. Chewed raw, baked in bread, added to stews, curries. Spicy, aromatic; ok. Brown is more common, green is more pricey.       Cayenne pepper:  a middling-strong chili having 30-50,000 Scoville units of hotnesss.  Chili: a central American veg and spice, with varying degrees of hotness. From zero hotness in a capsicum thru cayenne as above, habanero and Scotch bonnet with 150-300,00 Scoville units; to Naga/bhut jolokia with a million + units of Scoville hotness. Details in http://www.chiliwonders.com/chili.scoville.table.htm.  Added to all sorts of foods.  A success if not overdone too often. They'll cook into sweetness, in time.  Milk is an antidote, along with yogurt and cheese.  If u’re thinking of chilis in a milk pudding , Don’t ! , the milk will win .  And yr chilies will whimper and hide and try to pretend that they’re not there. But they Are, being sweet; and they’ll still be almost a little bit hot .   Chives: Easily grown outside or inside. U eat its spikey dark green leaves. Plucked from and chewed, or added to cold food, or cooked before eating. Sharply tasty, onion-ish. They die back in the cold and regrow in the spring; a perennial.  Cinnamon: Very nice, light, aromatic. Usually powdered . Unpowdered, it's a stick about 10cms long or longer.   Cloves: Brown, aromatic. They are dried flower buds with a  coronet around. Very nice, brewed in hot water for sniffing the smell of. This'll help to clear a blocked nose. 'Specially if there's honey in there too for u to sniff the goodness of. And then drink, as heavenly smiles of total joy burst forth from yr lips to beam across yr happy face, so that yr body's wreathed in grins; or something like. Plus, u can add cloves (crushed before, or scissored half-cooked; or tapped from a packet of  ready-ground) to stews, jams, puddings, and hot drinks !.  Nicely!.     Cumin seeds are Rich in iron, so a tea of it helps to cure a cold and tummy upsets. It's a bit antiseptic so a mash-up put on wounds and boils helps the healing.  A tonic herb. U can chew the seeds, too. They're ok.    Curry, From hottest vindaloo thru madras to the quiet birianis and kormas.  Outasight tastes ! And it delays decay in the food by frightening off the microbes [It's a hot-country invention , right? ]. I've never felt the need to make any, buying mine ready-made in powder or paste: in jars packets  tins and tubes.  Deelicioso! !! .  Too-ot curries may be subdued with dairy products.  Dill smells/tastes like caraway. A tea of it helps the digestion (after a heavy meal), so it is also medicinal.  Nice, added to stews, teas, soups, fish.     Garlic grows in a bulb. All of it is edible, except for the crinkly skin of each clove.  Not just the underground bulb of cloves of garlic, but also its pretty starry flowers and their stems, its bursting-out shoots if u’ve left it in the warm, and its leaves.  If u’re growing it and u only crop the above-ground stuff, it’ll keep on giving it to u for  years!, books say  [check the web/reality]. The bulb is separated into separate parts, over a dozen is usual, each called a clove.  Garlic keeps well in the dry and cool, in bulb and clove. U use garlic, maybe; for sure. How?  Garlic-crusher? Never:  It always still has stuck on/in it some garlic after even the most tediously careful proddings and scrapings, so that u seldom get everything to eat; and they need lots of complicated washing-up with a long-bristled brush to remove the very last of its bits; Baaad. So, How to tiny garlic?Finely slice the garlic between the tines of a holding fork; or squeeze, twist, and crush each piece in kgloved fingers; or pop the piece in whole and bite it once it's cooked. Add some crushed bits of garlic to a bottle of vinegar; This spiced vinegar goes on yr hot french fries, in Perfect world. The lovely aroma is amazing ! but it might make yr eyes water, so watch out. Show-offs who don’t do housework, HotFry the garlic at the start on a Bit of a Heat to Feel Groovy, and mess up Everything so it’s like So much like hard work, that it’s best to always slowfry/boil garlic in a lidded pan. To Crush garlic, if u must, use a thimble in a mug. If u want garlic to do u good, people say, then u gotta eat it nearly raw or raw....such as: To chill a head-cold, twist-break a clove of it beneath yr nose to deep-sniff garlic-juice as it sprays free; wearing kgloves against sniffy fingers. Or, No kgloves?....Sniff it up yr nose from a mug, sliced in and with hot tap-water poured on. Or, Add a crushed clove of garlic as a tea-item.  When u cook it, garlic responds sweetly. Very sweetly indeed, sometimes :-))) .  Garlic has these two styles of raw sharp medicinally powerful; and cooked subtle sweetly delicious also medicinally powerful which is as greenly good for u as is raw, and differently. Garlic is also a nice heavy if its juice is rubbed onto warts and such. Eating parsley takes any garlic smell from yr breath, throat, tummy: an antidote.       Ginger! A pick-me-up taste and smell. Fresh root: sliced coin-shaped and into salad, porridge. The dried root of ginger, pull length-wise the piece that u're eating. Its center might still have some softness  [which is nice to nibble]. Let the strips soak quite a while. Then snip them small with scissors. If it's "only" Powdered ginger-root, from a cute little container, it's still ok; tap on. Goes well in marmalade.    Horseradish is a root, much like ginger; with a similarly sharp taste. Eaten raw; grated and mayoed or in vinegar.  Or, cook it in Christmas pud, or a mushroom stew.    Jerk as in jerk chicken is the Caribbean way to keep germs at bay by hotting-up the food.  A digest of 5 websites suggests that it's jerk seasoning that you buy in a jar or tube. Or, it's mixing together spices either before adding protein; or added as u cook these.  As a basic u use allspice, chili, black pepper [corns or ground], soy sauce, thyme [fresh or dried], vinegar [white wine, red wine, malt].  To these u can add cinnamon [powder or stick], garlic [whole or sliced or crushed], ginger [root or powdered], lime juice, powdered nutmeg, orange juice, dark rum, sage, salt. U can, it's said, preserve raw meat & fish by rubbing it with jerk mix, but it's probably better to let it lie in vinegar infused with the herbs and juices, in the sun; so it's slo-cooked and then hung out to dry and keep.   Juniper: Dark little berries: fruit and kernel are different browns. Eaten, juniper eases digestion, soothes joints, and stimulates the uterus. Tastes bitterish raw, thru to sweetness when cooked. How to eat? Crushed, in coffee/tea; added to porridge, curry, stew, marmalade-making. Drunk in gin. **The web says that pregnant women should not use juniper because what they need down there is relaxation, not stimulation. Juniper berries, sadly, badvibe kidneys; so if yrs are weak, omit juniper berries ***.   Lemon balm tea, drunk for depression, headaches and anxiety; helps longevity. Its crushed leaves give a fresh smell to a room. Added to stews, it's a nice lemony taste.   Marjoram is  the same as Oregano, from a fragile perennial plant. Tastes minty. So is popular with lamb and shellfish; or twisted under yr nose and sniffed. The web says that its oil is a sedative if drunk in a tea; and is antiseptic if brushed over a wound, or its leaves are bound over the wound freshly every day. Its leaves do keep, but are best fresh. Mastic has many uses: as a chewing gum, as part of frankincense, in liqueurs. As the base of sweets, as the flavor of Turkish Delight, in breads and ice creams. Mixed with sugar and orange blossom water as a dessert flavoring. Strong.    Mint, fresh or dried. stalk, leaf or root. All aromatic to the nose, breathed off its leaf, or u crushed it between 2 finger-ends so that u may smell/taste the item's inner juices. Which turn u hungry, with a smile. Nice.   Mustard seeds, added to stew to give it lift.  Add them at the start, or whenever.  No need to crush mustard seeds unless u want to;  u'll get a little explosion of taste each time that u bite onto one. Made mustard is in different types: There’s rough strong yellow English mustard which is a total when u’re like meeting a hangover. The French do softer cooler dark yellow mustards, from Dijon and Lyon and places. Everywhere makes and sells it. But for truly hot mustard, English mustard is It; right?.    Nutmeg and mace, from the same plant, are sweetly nutty, and help the digestion; usually freshly ground.    Paprika powder looks like chili powder, but smells and tastes much more sweetly; though it still has a bit of a bite. Basic to goulash. Very nice indeed.      Softly fragrant herbs such as Parsley are bung full of goodness in vitamins and minerals, which is why parsley has such a strong taste. Its frothy green leaves are as edible as their stalks and twigs but often need rinsing clean because their frothiness holds dirt, cobwebs, and spider-nests. If u chew some leaf or twig, it will Really be a hit. Chill this hit by mixing it tinied into mayo, or other dressing. Or add (tinied) bits to a tea. Sage is a PickMeUp. Their leaves are long, usually a dull light green thru white. U can chew some leaf or twig, or brew it in hot water/tea/coffee, or add it to a stir-fry of food. Rosemary: A sweetly aromatic herb which improves with keeping and helps memory. Add the leaves, stalk, to yr mouth, a tea, a stew to chew or brew. Or, u prod some into a bottle of vodka/vinegar and leave them for a while, occasionally shaken and stirred. Thyme, very nicely aromatic, leaves, twigs, flowers. Said to bring courage if u eat/drink/wear it, 'cos it's a calming restorative. Bees like it.    Peppercorns chewed fresh will taste explosively hot on the gums; and earthily rich all around; Like eating fire in the nicest sort of a way.  A much broader taste than chili. Countered with lettuce. More usually, we cook them before eating and probably tiny them before cooking. Still cool, as in seriously hot!.  Poppy seeds are Popular on rolls, in bread, in stews. Its tea is a narcotic, much weaker than opium; needs lemon juice to bring out its flavor. Bitter, so add sugar if u like.       Salt is Very popular. We all need it, and get it from foods, or add it neat. Of whatever sort u like. There's loads, all cool.    Sesame seeds make a cool cooking oil. Used as  herb, they've a nutty flavor, put into salads. Ground up they make tahini. You can make wine from them [dunno how].    Sumac, has a tart sour lemony taste. Rubbed onto kebab meat, popular in Arabic cooking; relieves stomach upsets.     Turmeric, aromatic, bright yellow, usually ground into a powder; downsizes fishy smells so is popular with fish. Also in curries, where it minimizes ~~wind~~.            Vanilla: Popular with milky foods, a light airy taste; nice. In sticks or powdered.

18 b)  Pickles, chutneys.  Eaten as a relish to give zest to food, or on their own in a sandwich or from a spoon. Mango chutney, Branston pickle® are majorly delicious. Marmite® is an item on its own:  Stuffed with vitamin B12, very salty, and totally vegetarian; ok. As it's made from the leftovers of beer-making, there's relish in that. Eaten spread on bread, or as a spice in cooked foods; or dissolved in water as a brothy drink to clear colds.  [in Oz it's Vegemite®. In Switzerland, Cenovis®. The German version is called Vitam-R® which has less salt and is less tasty; it's ok.] There's a beef extract called Bovril® which looks and tastes a bit similar, but is a bit runnier, so won't sit on bread as easily; it's ok. Makes beef tea once dissolved in hot water.

Chutney, to make: Basicly, it's preserved fruit and/or veg; with extras as appropriate. It works for all fruits and veggies; so u could mix in pears with the apples; or plums or  mangoes.  If u're not that keen on mdf, use sultanas, raisins, prunes, apricots, what u like.     Apple chutney, as a typical fruit: This is a fairly hot Indian chutney.      Made of? 1/2 a kilo of de-pipped tinied (sour) apples,  <  1/2 a liter of vinegar, a thumb-width of water in a boiling/mwave pan, 1/4 kilo tinied onions, about 400gms of sugar of yr sort,  1/4 kilo mdf, 100-ish gms of salt, 100 gms ground ginger or a 7cm length of tinied ginger root, 50gms mustard powder or 2 tbspoons of mustard seeds, 100 gms chili powder or a tbspoon of tinied dried chilis, 4 tinied cloves of garlic; mebbe a ground clove or two.   What to do?  Simmer the spices in the thumbwidth of water on a hob: mustard seeds, ginger root, tinied chilis, for an easy 1/4 hour to get all of their goodness/in an mwave on simmer for 10-15 minutes....checking it @ 10 minutes. Or, With powdered spices u can omit the previous action, and have no need for the thumb-width of water; so just add the powders to a full 1/2 liter of vinegar in the cooking vessel.  Next, both ways:  Add the apples and onion, sugar, mdf and salt, and simmer away till all is soft/mwave on Warm for mebbe an hour, perhaps longer. Sieve it if u like, once it's cool-enough to do so;  to smoothify the item. U're probably not going to eat it all now, so pour this delight into clean containers such as re-used jam-jars; seal their lids, name them with writing on sticky tape, and tuck them away in the cool and dark until their eating-time arrives.

18 c) Sweeteners. Honey tends to curdle milk so it isn’t that cool as the sweetener of milky drinks. Honey is amazing stuff: Only very small amounts of honey are needed compared with sugar to get the same sweetness. White sugar’s mild taste matches better with that of milk puddings, than brown. The sugar that dissolves the fastest is the sugar that’s in the almost smallest of pieces. That’s generally superfine white sugar; smaller than granulated, ok.  Not quite as easily found as is granulated, the coarser one; which is everywhere. Confectioner's icing sugar is even finer than superfine, but it has in it starch to stop it from clumping. So it's not as pure and the starch clouds any liquid; which is no big deal if u're adding thickener. Not easy to find, nor worth it, confectioner’s sugar.  Brown sugar adds style, quality, taste, to puddings, coffee. The darker, the better. It’s not often put in tea; Some say that their tastes clash. Maple syrup, treacle, runny honey, molasses: fork-lifted on a twirl to hold all, and dropped into the drink/porridge for fastest multi-tined dissolving.

All the artificial sweeteners in tablets...Follow the instructions and u'll be ok.

18 d) If there's any doubt in yr mind about the edibility of the food, the general rule is, If in doubt, Don't. There are lots of poisonous plants in Britain, many of them very common. Don't eat them, don't touch them, nor smell them; for safety's sake. Wash yr hands after touching them: Hold them in gloves. Vomit it up, if eaten, instead of digesting it. Then, drink water or mustard&water or salt&water, to clean yr stomach; and then sick up that, too; to get rid of all of the poisons until u feel relaxed; and there could be quite a few retchings. And out the other end, too in liquid form; if u're unlucky. Drink a couple of shots of strong spirits to medicinally kill the poison.  Don't chew bracken, it's a poison to horses as well as to humans. Most plant bulbs are poisonous; onion and garlic are the exceptions, not the rule. Don't eat the cute-looking buttercup flower, stem, or leaf: it has a nasty taste and is poisonous [to horses, too]. The pretty convolvulus or bindweed with its white trumpet-shaped flowers is poisonous to humans, horses, guinea pigs, rabbits and pigs not only when eating its foliage, but its roots foul the ground. The daffodil's delightful flowers are as poisonous as its bulb...very. The bark & leaves of elderberries are poisonous at times. Leave them; although their flowers and berries are delicious. Foxgloves can be seriously ill-making, all parts of them. The bay leaf is edible, but it looks like laurel which is poisonous in its sap, its leaves and its berries, which look a little like cherries. The lovely laburnum, or golden-rain tree, has very poisonous seeds and bark; with its flowers, flesh and roots. Many mushrooms and toadstools are poisonous, even ones that look so like the ones u buy in food-stores. Most of a potato, excepting its ripe tubers, is poisonous to us. Privet makes u only sick, and tastes horrid. Yew is poisonous all year round; luckily, it's nasty-tasting.  This is, sadly, Not an exhaustive list.  

Chapter 19 Height above and below sea-level for slower and faster cooking .

Yr place's height above and below sea level. Air-pressure drops above sealevel, which means that water boils at at a lower heat, and so our food doesn't get cooked (as quickly or as thoroughly). U start to notice it above 3000 feet above sea level, or a kilometer. Some websites say that it's noticable at lower heights, too. Lots of the world is up there, along with the tops of skyscrapers. How to deal with it? Use a pressure-cooker.   

By contrast, cooking food below sea-level is quicker but uses more heat. Where? By the lower river Jordan, around the shores of the Dead Sea; down a mineshaft; in a submarine. Submarines up their air-pressure a bit above ground-level air-pressure, against the weight of the water around. Rumor has it that sub-cooked food and drink is the world's best.

If yr windows face the sun, u can sun-cook; but u might get overly warm;   sad   .    

If yr ceilings are high, u'll spend most of yr room-warming money on air above head height. d'oh . But low-ceilinged rooms get stuffy more quickly, so must be aired more; doh?. 

Chapter 20. The hardware that goes with cookery

20 a) Work surfaces. U can scissor-slice salad in the bag that it came in, after u've removed any mayo-packet already in there.

An upturned enamel pan lid has the edge of the lid as a little wall all around to stop food from falling off as u tiny away at it. This is neat. U can park the sliced food up against the wall, as u tiny away; which is double-neat. Aand, u can sluice clean the lid into the food-pan for even less waste; which might be triple-neat, if u like .

U can use an old newspaper as a bread-board, if the ink isn't lead; and it rarely is, these days. Check yr cut quality by the depth of cut into the paper. Shake its crumbs into the food pan, ?.                                                                                                                             **Timber chopping boards are hi-maintenance, get deeply dirty easily, and are Big to store away, so no***.  Formica boards are cheap and easily discardable when too scratched to keep on using.

20 b). Cutlery and other kitchen tools. {these items are not alphabetical, but by importance .}                                                                                                                                               Tin-openers, as in 4a above. A spoon, a pudding-sized one and a tea/coffee-sized one seem to be enough for singletons, but serving spoons are needed when serving others. When lifting a spoon, be sure that there's not too much food on the spoon to get it all inside of yr mouth, in one go; 'cos Grazing off a spoon is not considered manners, 'cos it'll attract the flies, and some could drop off before u get to eat it. If the spoon's contents are liquid, a drop of the liquid could form on the underside of the spoon and drip onto u on its way to yr mouth. So, look at the spoon's underside and if it is adrip, wipe yr spoon's bottom by dipping it back in the soup, or pulling it over a lump of food.    knife. Without a hilt, so it's Not a weapon. Dull-looking yet sharp of cut. Sharpen its blade with a proprietary knife-sharpener, or do it on any convenient stone-hard edge....of a brick or a step. Cutting with a knife: if u tuck the handle-end into the palm of yr hand, u get most force. If u hold the knife like a pen, halfway down, u get foody fingers but a more accurate cut if needed.     To make a very thin slice, put the knife between the fork's tines instead of only across the front: outside both, then next in, then central. But beware of yr elbows flying around when u try to hold and cut at that angle.      fork. To carry food to mouth, using it as a spoon. U can get lots in quickly but will be easily upstaged at parties by being then coaxed in dulcet tones to talk in detail about yr most-gricerish hobby; oh sad!. In company, put elegant portions of food on the back of yr fork and raise it gently to yr couldn't-be-bothered mouth. Forks are also for holding the food immobile while u do stuff to it.                                            Chopsticks. **They often have sharp-ish ends, and an over-zealous police-person might arrest u for carrying assault weapons, even if the chopsticks are telescopic; so it is seldom cool to bring yr own to a restaurant; nor to take away the restaurant's as a happy memento of a delicious meal***.  Nor can u cut with them, neither; nor use them much for holding food in place.  Generally, They are Really designed as shovels to move tinied food speedily into yr mouth from a bowl placed directly below, in front; in a kind of paddle-action. U get lots in, fast.                                                                                   At formal functions, u hafta use  them as a fork, and do a grip-action with their ends on tiny pieces of food. U'll eat even less than from an upside-down fork; so Definitely snack up beforehand.                                                                                           How to handle chopsticks? U hold both in the one hand: u curl yr thumb around one, with yr first finger to help, and hold the other stick between two or more of yr other fingers. This needs practice. Each food morsel carried to yr mouth is tiny.  Slicers. The powered ones have far too many corners for easy cleaning. The metal or placcy panels with slicing and grating surfaces and edges that u slide the food on, put one end in the pan to be filled and settle the pan securely. Hold the other end of the slicer securely with one hand, as u move the food (in a holder) with the other .

Scissors of all shapes and sizes are excellent for tinying food.On a board, or in(to) the pan as the main stirrer during cooking. This allows u continuous tinying throughout the cooking.

Spice grinders, also too much cleaning effort, they're too big and too costly. I use a thimble in a mug or egg-cup. Or a biro-end in the thimble. It all works ok. Or, I buy my spices already-ground.

U can seal a packet, of coffee or sugar for instance, by venting it of air then folding over its opened hole a couple of times and sealing it with a spring-clip or two. Very easy, effective, and cheap.

Bottle tops. Screw-top or fliptop or little pull-off corks are the only ones to notice.    Corks are so last century. If u Must use a cork-screw, hold it steady as u turn the bottle; it's easier to do. 

20 c) When dealing with food, wearing kgloves keeps yr hands and the food clean and they mask the heat and cold of the food and juices and water; which eases food-preparation. Spoons get food out of jars neatly.    This is emphasized because cooks on the television Never wear gloves and seldom carry foods in spoons or prod them with a fork....they use their bare hands . This dirties their hands so there's lots of hand-washing and drying to be done; which we don't see.  Doing the washing in smooth gloves is Very much easier and quicker than doing it to creased palms, hairy knuckles, and getting food under finger-nails.  Same as using cutlery to lift and carry food; Very much easier safer and less painful than using hands on hot food, for instance.    We may also prepare our meals in less-than-perfectly-clean-hands, and no-one need ever know ! .                                                                                                             Oven gloves that last: two 12cm lengths, about, of scrap motorcycle inner-tube. Or, a bicycle's for the smaller hand, a quad bike's for the larger. They are the best. Easy to clean, as in u hardly have to, ever; and cheap. They don't scorch at ordinary cooking heats, but they Do get hot.So hold each with a damp cloth, then; to retain their perfection....Except for visually where they are the pits. To hide them: put one inside another and tuck them away. They're called hotgloves.

Chapter 21. Looking after yourself

21 a) Body manners. {not obviously cookery items, but they seem to go with}. Spitting? Don't. Someone might pick it up with a playing card or two, and frame u for a job done clean. Plus, it spreads diseases very easily, so is a self-harming exercise; double don't. It also looks revolting, so treble-dumps any chance of a date. Farting? learn to throttle them with a cramped bum-hole, then work it back; it's doable and worth it. Burping is almost allowed in public if it's silent and u don't open yr mouth, but vent it thru yr nose. Better not done, by applying strength to yr stomach and throat. Yawns should be covered with a hand to stop yr spit from floating out and hungry flies from buzzing eagerly in.

Tooth-brushing is the norm; at the very least, once a day. Up-and-down gets between the teeth to dislodge scraps caught there. Whereas to-and-fro will run along yr gums' top edge; here, food and grime Do tend to stick, so it is worth doing. Tooth-brushing may be best done after meals without paste, just to remove the food that's not quite gone the distance: Brush free the food from around yr teeth, suck any from the brush, finish the chewing, and swallow!. Only then add the paste to get some shine!.

Eat food with yr mouth closed so that u lose none. With the price of food as it is, we can't afford to lose any. Plus, the lost food lands on someone else, with aggravation. Or, it lands on yrself and U have to clean it off or u'll Stink Baaaad. Or, it lands on the table (cloth), the carpet, the pet. Not worth it; so why not practice shut-mouth eating?, if u need to, try watching yrself in the mirror or videoing yrself {dangerous 2 yr street-cred if it gets webbed}. If u only take little bites, then each is easily swallowed to answer some impertinent question. Plus, u'll better exercise yr jaw for easier chewing. U could even practice chewing invisibly, if u like; it's well thought of.

Don't try to talk and eat at the same time: this is an impossible fiction much used in dramas ('cos of a time-lack in the schedules to show both. Watching people eat has few plot lines, although it's often funny. So, don't look at folk when they eat; would u like them looking at u?). If yr mouth isn't shut, u'll >Spray<. Try eating and talking at the same time in front of a mirror, and u'll know. Few folk wish to share yr already-started food, so keep it to yrself, ok.

Always be fed beforehand at formal functions such as dinners and luncheons, 'cos the food is seldom that good, and u can't eat much because u're chatting to the other people. At barbecues and buffets, put yr food in a bowl for easy keeping and watch out for others' meals sliding from their paper plate in yr direction, or already on the floor. The only exception is the cheese and wine party, 'cos the cheese is an antidote to alcohol. So fill up with cottage cheese or cream cheese, then get the alcohol down yr neck; with much less ill-effect.          Hard cheese is for losers here, 'cos it's in bigger bits so u gotta really chew on it to make it small, or there's less to hit on the alcohol in the same eating-time. 

21 b) No time/money to go to the gym?. {It seemed to be a part of it, so it's in; ok?}. Bring the gym into yr home.... If u're feeling fidgety when sitting in a chair, try touching the ground either side a few times each side; alternately, or u do a few a side then change. In front too, if there's space. It''ll perk u up.

Try doing press-ups in bed; with the covers still on, or not. In groups of three works for me. Not only open-palm, but closed-fist, too; one a side and change each time, the same both sides alternate goes, 5 of one then 5 of the other, as u like. Or on yr finger-ends; or on some knuckles, choose a set; on the backs or flats of yr wrists; there's lots of different ways. But be Very careful when u Start these new muscles, 'cos u could over-strain some Very easily with all of the new work that u're asking them to do.  Do some neck-lifts of yr body from yr forehead on yr forearms on the mattress. Mebbe start with just a shoulder-lift and work yr way down. The pressure will fill yr face with muscle-action to finish the feeds from below. It could be surprising at first; what happens to yr jaw-muscles. If u're waiting for the bath to fill and the room smells clean, why not touch the floor with fingers and straight legs? front, left, right, each counted go.

The natural human hand-shape has an oppositional thumb....at rest, it makes a round with the fingers of that hand. Easily promoted by tapping each finger-end on its thumb-end; quietly, whenever. It'll feed thru yr arms and body to yr feet, which'll itch to have arches. Let them have them, with contoured soles of shoes to help.

To co-ordinate body, try doing 10 squats as u button yr shirt, once a day, every day. If u watch yrself in a mirror, u might be surprised and good-vibed :-))) . If u've nothing better to do, u could at the same time look left for two squats, right for two, down for two, straight ahead for two, and up for two; not necessarily together. This last one, looking up, it tends to let u fall over backwards; so be very careful with this one. If u don't do that shirt-buttoning item, try touching yr nose with every finger from as far out-stretched as u feel like; to have all four limbs working with yr spine.

To keep/get fit when travelling, try to sit at attention...touching no side parts of the vehicle. U'll absorb within yrself every twist and turn and lift and drop of the vehicle that u're in, very neatly. It totally firms yr thighs, stomach, chest and shoulders as u let it; thru to limb-ends and head. Plus, if driving, only hold the steering-wheel between 4 and 8 o'clock of an analog dial. Pull-push the wheel between yr solid-gripping fingers. This'll spread along yr hands and arms to spine and up to head and down to legs and heels; as u let it, and u feel the need.                                                                                   It helps u to combat driver's paunch ,  OK! .

If u're a passenger standing, like in a train, stand free and let yr ankles tell the rest of u just where to be to be steady; and to keep both feet firmly on the ground. Yet be ready to not be noticed if there's a sudden change in direction and/or speed. 

Chapter 22. A history of the website

On-line 2009 Nov 23rd, and following:  

Hit-counter in 2010 Jan: 24th 01, 25th 100 + hits;  Feb 05, 300 hits, and I'm still adding items, so quite a few of those hits  are me; But, March 2nd 1500+, 18th 2226, 25th 2500;  April 15th 3020, 27th 3456;  May 18th 3911,  26th 4567;  June 15th 5051, 28th, 5321;  July 30th 5786;  Aug 17th 5959; Sept 17th 6363;   Oct 30th 6987,  Nov 9th 7196, 29th 7606; Dec 16th 7777.  2011 Jan 11th 7888, 17th 7991; Mar 3rd 8732;  Apr 1st 8942;  May 3rd 9200;  Aug 4th 9777;  Sept 6th 10212; Oct 27th 11004, Nov 9th 11111, 

Site-counter added 2010  March: 6th 01, 8th 11, 15th 23, 18th 30, 25th 63;   April 1st 101, April 7th 123, 14th 193, 16th 222, 19th 240;  May 2nd 316, 7th 350, 17th 415, 23rd 458, 30th 500;  June 7th 557, 15th 601, 23rd 642;  July 1st 678 , 15th 700, 30th 752; Aug 9th 777, 17th 801; Sept 16th 888, 17th 900, 28th 949; Oct  14th the chatroom arrived ! 999 thru' 1007, Nov 9th 1096,  29th 1177;  Dec 16th 1200.  {Jan 1421 11th 6088,  17th 6189 weird,; Feb 2nd 1623, Mar 3rd 1821, Apr 1st 2002, May 3rd 2351, Aug 4th 2691, Sept 6th 2796, Oct 27th 3012, Nov 9th 3033.

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This whole item and its parts are copyright © 2009 - 2011 and trademark owned by Gary Sunbeam (Holdings).   Happy Times !

 *** Luckily, the site-counter is no longer out-to-lunch, Feb2.11. Except, April 4th, it went weird again. Sorry! , again. Early May, the site-counter is again cool. Mid-May, we changed the counter company. Late May, the 28th, the hit counter disappeared @ 9000+ hits. My programming company,  Pixel8ltd.com is working on it.  Sorted, June 1st.   The Hit counter fell off its log late August, but is back, smiling; Sept 1.11 . Management has now shifted from Pixel8Ltd to Kudos Web Design, Sept 3rd - 6th 2011, who dumped on me. ****

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A Glossa
ry of new, rare, & short-hand words in here:

an Air-hole is a small hole in an egg-shell, made over its air-pocket to let air escape as it expands inside a heating egg. Make it @ the egg's highest point when floating in water. Done with a skewer point/strong pin by sort of twist-pricking at it. The egg’ll now stay whole when heated. The air-hole won't leak egg, 'cos there's a skin around the egg, keeping it in.

airvent, to let out steam from a lidded simmering/boiling pan. Either it's built-in, or u put cutlery into the pan to its hilt and settle the hilt on the lid.

apu = as per usual, it’s not a vegetable                          [perhaps, yet];

baguette, very popular in France. A long thin white bread roll. It has a crusty crust shedding flakes of itself even before it moves [whilst it yet rests], and the body of it inside is tissue-thin wispy nothings. Worth it?.

bell pepper, see capsicum.

biltong is sun-dried meat, often in strips; [web dictionary says it is also salted. Other dictionaries & my tastings say Not generally so.].

brackets [words in here are an information help] (in here, it's an option) {in here, it's hifalutin'}           **in here is vital stuff to know***

bran = chaff = the husk of seeds such as wheat. It makes brown rice brown.

brie wins over camembert and rocquefort to name a soft cheese, ’cos it’s shortest; although they have Very different tastes and textures: brie is smooth and mild, camembert is rather more acidy going very runny thru to liquid. Rocquefort goes blue, crumbly and soggy, and bitter-ish; so, mash it in brown ale/apple juice and sweet stuff such as brown sugar, mdf, dates.

capsicum is for the little gourdy juicy vegetable; often green or red or yellow. They’re mostly empty, all the flesh being in the skin. They have whiteish pips. Also called bell pepper, paprika, pepper. But these are also the names of spices that are their powdered roasted pips; and capsicum isn’t.      

cfilm is mwave-friendly cling-film.                 Very useful.

clarified butter, or ghee, is butter without water, so is more solid; and without milk solids, so keeps easily. All that remains is the butterfat. It takes quite some heat before burning, so is an OK cooking fat; much used in South Asian cookery. And by me. Tastes ok; including, as a butter-substitute on toast or bread.

a coolant food is one that's cooked-enough and cold and is added after all the cooking's done, to cool the item for easy now-eating.                                    eg:- Curry sauce, much used.

crème fraîche. This is a French invention [u can tell, by the grave accent and the circumflex; which some books don't notice. Not French ones, obviously]. It's from Normandy; and is sour cream with bite, soured.  It's cream heavied with something even more creamy, such as yogurt or buttermilk; in the ratios 50:3.               To make it, u hafta warm the cream on low in a pan [or mwave on Warm], add the other, combine them, and let them cool. It lasts longer than usual cream, yet it is still best kept in the fridge.       Its upside to other cream is that it stays solid longer, if u cook it, before curdling or separating; it's also more solid, and apparently is more the way       cream used to be.
 
a crouton is cube-shaped toasted bread, about 1cm a side. Or it's  broken toasted pieces, or it's toasted broken         pieces; or both or all.

a crumb is a little bit of bread,                 either crust or body.

dhal, dahl, dal is lentils cooked to a fairly solid puree. Tasty, high in         protein; a very ok food.

glaze, in cookery. A sticky sealant made of sugar/honey/apple jelly dissolved in a little (warm) water. Lay it on with a broad fluffy brush. It'll keep marzipan on a cake's sides and seal the top of a pie or quiche or cake.

hotgloves are lengths of scrap motorcycle inner-tube; 10-15cms long should be OK. Heatproof-enough at                        our heats.

jerk as in jerk chicken is the Caribbean way of hotting-up food to preserve it against microbe attack.                               More in ch 18 "Spices".

a kglove is a kitchen glove. Of light rubber. Ideal for manually getting the flesh off of the bones of stewed fish, chicken, game; if the stewing-water's not too hot.

ktowel is short for kitchen towel.                  Of quilty absorbent paper.

mayo is mayonnaise, but                                everyone knows that.

mdf is short for mixed dried fruit, a product sold by many food stores. Very nice indeed: having the sweetnesses of sultanas & raisins with the sharpnesses of tinied peel of lemons and oranges, it's a delight and goes into porridge, muesli, stew, curry, salads. By contrast, currants tend to be bitter.                        Sultanas and raisins are ok on their own, but haven't the variety of mdf. So are not much used, on their own.

mwave = a microwave that cooks.       It waves a warm Hello ! to Zero-upkeep cookery. This is Bliss! .

pimento is a dialect name for a capsicum; which is unnecessary. Some sites say it's also a name for allspice. This is cool, since allspice could mean many spices mixed together. But I'll probably stick with allspice; for now.

placcy is shorter than plastic,                      and sounds nicer, ok?.

a plantain is bigger and a bit more fibrous than a banana. Nicer, too;                                          perhaps.

rarebit was the writing of it so that u knew that it's not a furry animal. But it's always Said "rabbit" , So, for ease in the spelling and the saying, let's have them the same....Rabbiting cheese is dissolving it in liquid with spices; ok?.

a shallot is a sort of onion, more lozenge-shaped than round.

spuds not potatoes, 'cos shorter.

tap is shorter than faucet.

tiny as a verb is to chop, dice, grate, mash, shred, slice, break, pull, tear apart, and otherwise smallify, or tiny, an item of food. A very useful word to have around: to tiny food.

veggies is shorter than vegetables, ok;              veg is just there. 

web for Web, 'cos it is so ordinary.